

























* * '^ « ' 1 

c.- 










\v 



<a (V i ft %** 




^'ae/TTT^^ < J 






^s -*\ 








i&&^ y^rtf. 



THE / 



GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



BOOK OF POLITENESS 



PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT, 



DEDICATED TO THE 



YOUTH OF BOTH SEXES. 



BY Mme. CELNART. 

TRANSLATED FROM -THE "SIXTH TARIS EDITION, 
ENLARGED AND IMPROVED. 



BOSTON. 

ALLEN AND TICKNOR, 

AND 
CARTER, TIENDEE & CO 

1833. 






» 






Entered according to Act of Congress, in 
the year 1833 3 by Allen and Ticknor, in the 
Clerk's office of the District Court of the Dis- 
trict of Massachusetts. 



/■0&7 



BOSTON: 
Kane and Co 127 Washington Street. 



i A 



,9 



PRFEACE. 



The present work has had an extensive cir- 
culation in France, the country which we are 
accustomed to consider as the genial soil of 
politeness 5 and the publishers have thought 
it would be rendering a useful service on this 
side of the Atlantic to issue a translation of it. 

Some foreign visitors in our country, whose 
own manners have not always given them a 
right to be censors of others, have very freely 
told us what we ought not to do ; and it will 
be useful to know from respectable authority, 
what is done in polished society in Europe, 
and, of course, what we ought to do, in order 
to avoid all just censure. This object, we are 



IV PREFACE. 

confident, will be more effectually accomplish- 
ed by the study of the principles and rules 
contained in the present volume, than by any 
other of the kind. 

By persons who are deemed competent 
judges in such a case, this little work has been 
pronounced to be one of the most useful and 
practical works extant upon the numerous and 
delicate topics which are discussed in it. We 
are aware, that a man can no more acquire 
the ease and elegance of a finished gentleman, 
by any manual of this kind, than in the fine 
arts he could become a skilful painter or sculp- 
tor by studying books alone, without practice. 
It is, however, equally true, that the principles 
of Politeness may be studied, as well as the 
principles of the arts. At the same time, in- 
tercourse with polite society, in other words, 
practice, as in the case of the arts, must do the 
rest. 

The reader will find in this volume some 



PREFACE. V 

rules founded on customs and usages peculiar 
to France and other countries, where the Ro- 
man Catholic religion is established. But it 
was thought better to retain them in the work, 
than to mutilate it, by making such material 
alterations as would have been occasioned by 
expunging every thing of that description. In 
our liberal and tolerant country, these pecu- 
liarities will give offence to none ; while to 
many, their novelty, at least, will be interest- 
ing. 

The Translator. 

Boston, May 6, 1833. 



A* 



CONTENTS. 



PART I. 

Page, 
Introduction- 
Of Propriety of Deportment; and its Advantages xiii 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Religious 

Duties - 1 

Sect. I. Of respectful Deportment at Church ibid. 
2. Of religious Propriety in our Intercourse 

with the World - 6 

CHAPTER II. 

Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Domestic 

Duties 9 

CHAPTER III. 

Of Propriety of Conduct in Conjugal and Domes- 
tic Relations - - - 12 

At 



Vlll CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER IV. 

Of Propriety as regards one's self - - 19 

Sect. 1. Of the Toilet - - - - ibid. 

2. Of Reputation - - - -27 

CHAPTER V. 

Of Propriety in regard to one's Business or Pro- 
fession - - - - 32 
Sect. 1. Politeness of Shopkeepers and Customers ib. 

2. Politeness between Persons in Office and 

the Public 38 

3. Politeness of Lawyers and their Clients 39 

4. Politeness of Physicians and their Pa- 

tients - - - - 40 

5. Politeness of Artists and Authors ; and 

the deference due to them - 42 

6. Politeness of Military Men - 46 

7. Politeness of Ecclesiastics and Females 

of Religious Orders ; and the defer- 
ence due to them - - - 48 

PART II. 

OF PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT IN REGARD TO OUR 
SOCIAL RELATIONS. 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Deportment in the Street - - - 50 



CONTENTS. IX 

CHAPTER II. 

Of different kinds of Vis its - - - 59 

CHAPTER lit 

Of the Manner of receiving Visitors - 75 

CHAPTER IV. 

Of the Carriage of the Body - - - 82 

CHAPTER V. 

Of Physical Proprieties in Conversation - 88 

Sect. 1. Physical Observances in Conversation ibid. 

2. Of Gestures - - - - 90 

3. Of the Talent of listening to otheis - 92 

4. Of Pronunciation - 97 

5. Of Correctness in Speaking - - 100 

CHAPTER VI. 

Of the Moral Observances in Conversation - 104 

Sect. 1. Of Formal and Vulgar Usages - - ibid. 

2. Of Questions and frequently recurring 

Expressions - - - - 110 

3. Of Narrations, Analysis, and Digres- 

sions - - - - -111 

4. Of Suppositions and Comparisons - 118 

5. Of Discussions and Quotations - 119 

6. Of Pleasantry, Proverbs, Puns, and Bon 

Mots - 121 

A} 



X CONTENTS. 

Sect. 7. OfEulogiums, Complainings, Improprie- 
ties in general, and Prejudices - 125 

CHAPTER VII. 

Of Epistolary Composition - 130 

Sect. 1. Of Propriety in Letter Writing - ibid. 

2. Of the Interior and Exterior Form of 

Letters - - - - 136 

CHAPTER VIII. 

Additional Rules in respect to the Social Rela- 
tions ----- 146 
Sect. 1. Of an obliging Deportment - - ibid. 

2. Of Presents - - - - 151 

3. Of Advice - - - - 154 

4. Of Discretion - 155 

CHAPTER IX. 

Of Travelling - - - - - 159 



PART III. 

OF PROPRIETY IN RELATION TO PLEASURES. 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Entertainments. - » . - 163 



CONTENTS. 


XI 


CHAPTER II. 




Of Promenades, Parties, and Amusements 


- 171 


Sect. 1. Of Promenades - 


- ibid. 


2. Of Parties and Amusements 


- 175 


o. Little Sports and Games of Society 


- 180 


CHAPTER III. 




Of Brite, Concerts, and Public Shows 


- 182 


Sect. t. Of Balls 


- ibid. 


2. Of Concerts 


- 188 


3. Of Public Shows and Spectacles 


- 189 


CHAPTER IV. 




Of the Dotiss of Hospitality 


- 193 



PART IV. 

OF PROPRIETY AS REGARDS OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES. 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Marriage and Baptism - 196 

Sect. 1. Of Marriage - ibid. 

2. Of Baptism - - - -202 

CHAPTER II. 

Of Duties toward the Unfortunate - - 205 

Sect. I. Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and 

Unfortunate - ibid. 

2. Of Funerals and Mourning - - 208 



PART I. 

INTRODUCTION. 

Of Propriety of Deportment, and its Advantages. 

Propriety of deportment, or bienseance, is a happy 
union of the moral and the graceful ; it should be 
considered in two points of view, and ought there- 
fore to direct us in our important duties, as well as 
our more trifling enjoyments. When we regard it 
only under this last aspect, some contend that mere 
intercourse with the world gives a habit and taste 
for those modest and obliging observances which 
constitute true politeness ; but this is an error. Pro- 
priety of deportment, is the valuable result of a 
knowledge of one's-self, and of respect for the rights 
of others ; it is a feeling of the sacrifices which are im- 
posed on self-esteem by our social relations ; it is, in 
short, a sacred requirement of harmony and affection. 
But the usage of the world is merely the gloss, or 
rather the imitation of propriety : since instead of 
being like that, based upon sincerity, modesty and 
courtesy, it consists, in not being constant in any- 



XIV INTRODUCTION. 

thing, and in amusing itself by playing off its feelings 
and ridicule, against the defects and excellences of 
others, provided that this is done with grace, and is 
never carried so far as to wound the self-esteem of any 
one. Thanks to custom, it is sufficient in order to be 
recognised as amiable, that he who is the subject of a 
malicious pleasantry may laugh as well as the 
author of it. The usage of the world is therefore 
often nothing more than a skilful calculation of 
vanity, a futile game, a superficial observance of 
form, a false politeness which would lead to frivolity 
or perfidy, did not true politeness animate it with 
delicacy, reserve and benevolence Would that cus- 
tom had never been separated from this virtuous ami- 
ableness! We should then never see well-intentioned 
and good people suspicious of politeness ; and when 
victims to the deceitful, justly exclaim with bitter- 
ness, This is your man of politeness ; nor should we 
ever have made a distinction between the fixed 
principles of virtue, and what is fit and expedient. 
The love of good, in a word, virtue, is then the soul 
of politeness; the feeling of a just harmony be- 
tween our interest and our social relations, is also 
indispensable to this agreeable quality. Excessive 
gaiety, extravagant joy, great depression, anger, 
love, jealousy, avarice, and generally all the pas- 
sions, are too often dangerous shoals to propriety of 
deportment. Moderation in everything is so essen- 



INTRODUCTION. XV 

tial, that it is even a violation of propriety itself to 
affect too much the observance of it. 

It is to propriety, its justice and attractions, that 
we owe all the charm, I might almost say, the 
being able to live in society. At once the effect and 
cause of civilization, it avails itself of the grand 
spring of the human mind, self-love, in order to 
purify and ennoble it ; to substitute for pride and 
all those egotistical or offensive feelings which it 
generates, benevolence, with all the amiable and 
generous sentiments, which it inspires. In an 
assembly of truly polite people, all evil seems to be 
unknown ) what is just, estimable, and good, or 
what we call fit or suitable, is felt on all sides ; 
and actions, manners and language alike indi- 
cate it. Now if we place in this select assembly, 
a person who is a stranger to the advantages of 
a polite education, he will at once be made sensible 
of the value of it, and will immediately desire to 
display the same urbanity by which he has himself 
been pleased. 

If politeness is necessary in general, it is not less 
so in particular cases. Neither rank, talents, for- 
tune, nor beauty, can dispense with this amenity of 
manners ; nor can any thing inspire regard or love, 
without that graceful affability, that mild dignity, 
that elegant simplicity, which make the name of 
Frenchman synonymous with amiable, and make 



XVI INTRODUCTION. 

Paris dear, to whatever has understanding and taste. 
If all the world feels the truth of the verse which 
is now a proverb, 

Cette grace plus belle encors que la beaute,* 
every one also is sensible, that grace in conferring 
a favor, affects us more than the favor itself, and 
that a kind smile, and an affectionate tone, penetrate 
the heart more deeply than the most brilliant elocu- 
tion. 

As to the technical part of politeness, or forms 
alone, the intercourse of society, and good advice, 
are undoubtedly useful ; but the grand secret of 
never failing in propriety of deportment, is to have 
an intention of always doing what is right. With 
such a disposition of mind, exactness in observing 
what is proper, appears to all to possess a charm and 
influence ; and then not only do mistakes become 
excusable, but they become even interesting from 
their thoughtlessness and naivete. After the man- 
ner of St. Augustine, who used to say, Love God, 
and then do what you wish, we wo aid say to those, 
just making their debut in society, Be modest, 
benevolent, and do not distress yourself on account 
of the mistakes of your inexperience; a little atten- 

* That grace, which is more beautiful than beauty 
itself.— T. 



INTRODUCTION. XV11 

tion, and the advice of a friend, will soon correct 
these trifling errors. Such a friend, I wish to be to 
you. In undertaking to revise, and almost entirely 
remodel, the Manual of Good Society, I have wished 
and have engaged to be useful to you. A more 
methodical arrangement of the work, more precise 
and varied details, in short, important applications 
to all conditions and circumstances of life, I venture 
to believe, will make this treatise worthy of its 



CHAPTER I. 

Of propriety of conduct in relation to religious 
duties. 

We have said, that propriety ought to preside 
over the sublimest instructions of morality, as it also 
regulates the gayest movements of pleasure. We 
proceed first, therefore, to consider religious de- 
portment. 

SECTION I. 

Of respectful deportment at Church. 

Religious sentiment is the great, perhaps the only 
difference which we find between man and other 
animals. However it may absorb you by its depth, 
exalt you with delight, or withdraw from you in 
misfortune, this mysterious and sublime sentiment 
ought always to command your respect. There- 
fore, without objecting to particular differences of 
worship, never enter a church without submitting to 
1 






2 GENTLEMAN AND LADIES 

the requirements of religion.* Observe silence, or at 
least speak seldom, and in a low voice ; uncover 
yourself; advance with a slow and grave step; stop, 
at the same time making an inclination of your body, 
if any ceremony engages the assembly. Whether 
the church be Jewish, Catholic, or Protestant, recol- 
lect, that in this place men honor the Creator of the 
Universe ; that here they seek consolation in their 
troubles, and pardon of their sins. 

If you visit a church or any similar edifice, from 
curiosity, endeavor to do it out of the time of service. 
Contemplate silently the pictures, monuments, &c. ; 
beware of imitating those vandals, who deface with 
their obscure and ephemeral names those mon- 
uments which are destined to endure for ages. Do 
not like them forget, that the only thing which you 
can expect is a smile of contempt from all enlight- 
ened friends of the arts. Do not wait till the keepers 
remind you of the remuneration due to their kindness 
in conducting you ; offering it to them with your 
thanks on taking leave ; and in order to this, be 
always provided with small change. The respect 

* The directions which here follow, are obviously in- 
tended for those who profess the Catholic religion ; but 
most of them are also applicable to other denominations 
of Christians. — T. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 6 

due to the place requires us to abstain from every- 
thing which resembles the cares of business. 

I have thus far spoken only the language of 
toleration, and of religious worship in general, but 1 
am now going to use that of faith and devotion. Let 
the neatness and modesty of your apparel, and your 
discreet and respectful deportment, show that you 
perceive what is due to the house of God. Incline 
your body on entering ; take the holy water ;"* then 
advance by the shortest way, and without precipita- 
tion, to the place which you are to occupy ; if pos- 
sible, do not change it; neither put yourself in the 
passage, nor carry the chairs to a distance ; take 
two together, to avoid turning your seat as circum- 
stances may require in the course of the ceremony .t 

* This refers to the usage in Catholic churches, in 
which the consecrated or holy water is kept in a vase, 
appropriated to the purpose, near the entrance and in 
other parts of the church. — T. 

t These directions are more particularly applicable to 
Catholic churches in foreign countries, where it is not 
the general custom, as in the United States, to have 
pews. The whole floor is an open area, and supplied 
with chairs ; each person, during service takes two, one 
of which he sits in, and places the other before him to 
kneel upon. This custom of using chairs, however, is 
not universal even in Europe 5 and the author observes, 



4 GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

If the services have commenced, place yourself in 
the rear, in order not to disturb those present by 
your coming. The same motive ought to prevent 
your going away before the end, except from press- 
ing necessity. 

If you are accompanied by a lady to whom you 
owe deference, advance and present to her the holy 
water ; prepare two chairs for her, and place your- 
self near. In leaving church, clear the passage for 
her; carry her prayer-book, present her again with 
the holy water, and hold the door open to let her 
pass. Indeed, these two last marks of politeness 
should be shown indiscriminately by well-bred peo- 
ple to any who happen to be near them, in entering 
or leaving the church. Kind regards towards our 
neighbors are a worthy accompaniment of devotion. 

If on a crowded occasion you have two chairs, it 
is well to offer one of them to those who have 
none ; a man ought even to give up his own to a 
lady who might be standing. Every one knows 
that it is contrary to the sanctity of the place, to 

in a note, that it were to be wished that in all parts of 
France they would adopt the custom observed at Havre, 
Dieppe, and other cities of Normandy, where, instead of 
having chairs, the churches are furnished throughout 
with fixed seats or benches, by which means the service 
is conducted with much more order and decorum. — T* 



BOOK OP POLITENESS. 5 

walk in a church as upon a public promenade ; to 
converse there as in a private house ; to cast on one 
side and the other looks of curiosity ; to have a mien 
which displays uneasiness or weariness ; to bal- 
ance yourself upon the seat, or shake in an annoy- 
ing manner that of the person before you ; to carry 
with you dogs, packets, &c. 

During the sermon, it is necessary to endeavor to 
make no noise, and to bow with profound respect 
every time the preacher pronounces the sacred 
name of Jesus Christ.* 

Whether you give or withhold an offering to the 
mendicants of either sex, they should be answered 
by a kind salutation. 

It is entirely contrary to religious propriety to 
press forward, in going to the altar ; you ought to 
wait in silence your turn, without trying to supplant 
those before you ) however, should you have any 
urgent motives, you can make them known with 
mildness and politeness. Disputes which arise with 
regard to this, are at the same time an absurdity and 
impiety. 

When you take a place at the holy table, you 
should lay aside gloves, book, cane, &c. It is well 

* This latter direction is more particularly applicable 
to Catholic usage. — T. 
1* 



b GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

for ladies to cover themselves with a veil half 
drawn ; it is a mark of reverence as well as modesty. 

SECTION II. 

Of religious propriety in our intercourse withthe 
world. 

If it is a fundamental principle of propriety of con- 
duct not to wound any one in his self-esteem ,- 
his tastes, or interests, much more is it necessary to 
respect his religious opinions. To make sport of 
faith, that powerful, deep and involuntary sentiment, 
before which the law yields ; to deliver to the pain 
of doubting, hearts just become pious and tranquil > 
to awaken a spirit of fanaticism and religious exces- 
ses ; to cause one's self to be considered by some as 
an imprudent, by others an unworthy person, and 
by all as an enemy to politeness and tolerance, — 
are the sad results of raillery against religious obser- 
vances, raillery, too, almost always dictated by a de- 
sire of showing off one's wit. 

These results take place without any exception; 
impious sarcasms in serious people constantly do 
injury ; but they become still more revolting in the 
mouths of females, who, like angels, ought ever to 
show themselves lovely, pure, and free from pas- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 7 

sion ; whom Bernardin Saint Pierre designates with 
much feeling and justice the pious sex. 

We ought not however to proscribe entirely 
delicate and happy allusions, or comparisons drawn 
from the sacred books, and made in a proper spirit. 
It is useless, I think, to adduce instances ; suffice it 
to add, that rigor alone can reprove them, and that 
the occasion sometimes renders them very seasonable. 

As to religious discussions, they above all de- 
mand the most reserve and care, since without our 
knowledge conscience frequently becomes in them 
auxiliary to pride. If then you are unable to com- 
mand yourself; if you do not feel enough of logical 
power, enough of grace, or at least of exactness ot 
elocution, to contend with success, avoid controver- 
sies ; avoid them though fear of committing, in the 
eyes of weak people, that religion which you defend, 
and of exposing yourself to lasting ridicule. But, 
whatever be the skill which you exhibit in eluding 
the arguments of your adversary, whatever be your 
triumph, and although your disposition should urge 
you, never turn a serious discussion into jest; from 
that moment you would lose all your advantages, 
and, although overthrown, your antagonist will 
recover himself with this just reflection, that l noth- 
ing is proved by a jest.' 

Finally, while you manifest on every occasion a 



8 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

sincere and profound respect for religion, beware 
above all things of making a proclamation of your 
piety. Avoid talking with those in your parish, about 
your confessor, and your religious observances. If 
you do not distinguish yourself from the crowd, they 
will take you for a hypocrite, or a person of small 
mind. If you recommend yourself, on the contrary, 
by superior merit, they will think that you take 
pleasure in showing the contrast which exists be- 
tween your exalted talents and your humble faith. 
Between ourselves, would they be in the wrong ? 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 



CHAPTER II. 



Of propriety of conduct in relation to domestic duties. 

Since we admit that there are duties of propriety 
relative to piety, there are also duties relative to 
filial piety, that other worship, that familiar venera- 
tion of the Deity, whom our parents represent on 
earth. The most sublime, the most touching marks 
of religion and of nature unite in commanding us to 
love and honor those from whom we have received 
life. We shall not offend our readers by supposing 
it requisite to insist upon the necessity of fulfilling 
a duty which is felt by all correct minds and all 
good hearts. 

The custom has prevailed of addressing the father 
and mother in the second person.* This mark of 
great confidence, and affectionate freedom, ought 
never to degenerate into an offensive familiarity. 
We ought always to address them in a respectful 
and kind tone ; to anticipate them in every thing ; 

* This is an allusion to the idiom of the French lan- 
guage, and is inapplicable in English. — T. 



10 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

to ask their advice ; to receive their reproofs with 
submission ; to be silent with regard to the errors 
they may commit ; to show them a lively gratitude 
on every occasion ; in short, whatever advantage you 
have over them, be careful to conceal it, and con- 
sider them always your superiors, your benefactors 
and your guides. 

Besides the daily marks of deference which we 
should show to our parents, there are other particu- 
lar attentions for which our affection should seek 
every occasion. At certain periods, such as the 
new year, the birth day or day of baptism, we should 
offer them tender congratulations, or ingeniously 
devised presents. We are not allowed to dis- 
pense with these delicate attentions. If you have 
success in the sciences or arts, make appropriate 
presents to those from whom you have derived the 
benefits of your education. 

If you are separated from your father and mother, 
write to them frequently ; let your style be impressed 
with a devoted affection ; repeat more particularly at 
the end of your letters the sentiments of respect and 
of love with which you should be inspired. 

As to what your uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, 
and cousins require of you, you will know what 
are the duties of propriety in that respect, if you 
feel how dear family ties are ; you will show to- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 11 

wards some a respectful, and towards the others 
a friendly politeness. They should claim on ev- 
ery occasion your first visits and your first atten- 
tions ; you should identify yourself with them in 
all their prosperity or adversity ', invite them above 
all others to fetes and meetings at your house, 
unless when you assemble a party on a special occa- 
sion, at which they would be entire strangers. 
You should always take care to invite your relations 
by themselves from time to time, to prove that you 
have no intention of slighting them. You may be 
more intimate with some of your family, and give 
them particular proofs of affection ; but in these 
meetings you will do well to abstain from every 
act of preference. 

Without being at all wanting in cordiality, a little 
more ceremony should be used towards your rela- 
tions by marriage, to whom you indeed owe as 
much respect as to your own relations, 



12 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



CHAPTER III. 

Of propriety of conduct in conjugal and domestic 
relations. 

If any thing can render politeness ridiculous, and 
even odious, it is the disposition of certain persons, 
who in society are moderate, amiable, and gracious, 
but in private show themselves morose, rough and 
ill-natured. This fault, much too common, is one of 
the greatest inconsistencies of the human mind. 
You use all your exertions to please the world 
which you only see cursorily, and in which you 
have only power to procure a few moments of plea- 
sure, and you neglect to be agreeable to your hus- 
band or wife, from whom you expect the happiness 
of a whole life. Perhaps it would be better to be 
continually capricious or harsh, for the contrast of 
your politeness in the drawing-room with your 
impoliteness at home makes you appear still more 
odious. Conjugal intimacy, it is true, dispenses 
with the etiquette established by politeness, but it 
does not dispense with attentions. In the presence 
of your wife or husband, you ought never to do 
those things which carry with them an idea of dis- 
gust, nor perform those duties of the toilet, which 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 13 

before any one but yourself offend decency and 
cleanliness.* One ought never to permit disorder 
in his wardrobe under the excuse that he is just up, 
or at his own house. To dress with neatness, and 
elegant simplicity is important, even at home. 

The conversation of husband and wife cannot be 
elegant, and sustained in the same manner that it is 
in society ; it would indeed be superlatively ridicu- 
lous that it should not have interruption or relaxa- 
tion, but it should be free from all impoliteness 
and indelicacy. If at any time the society of your 
husband or wife causes you ennui, you ought 
neither to say so, nor give any suspicion of the 
cause by abruptly changing the conversation. In 
all discussions you should watch yourself attentively, 
lest domestic familiarity raise itself by degrees to 
the pitch of a quarrel. It is especially to females 
that this advice is addressed, and to the impressive 
words of Scripture, i woman was not created for 
wrath,' we may add these, ' she was created for 
gentleness.' 

To entertain with a politeness particularly affec- 
tionate the friends of a person with whom you are 
connected by marriage ; to respect inviolably the 
letters which she writes or receives ; to avoid pry- 

* As washing the feet, cutting the nails, &c. 
2 



14 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

ing into the secrets which she conceals from you 
through delicacy ; never to act contrary to her in- 
clinations, unless they are injurious to herself, and 
even in this case not to oppose her, but to endeavor 
to check them with address and kindness; to 
beware of confiding to strangers or to domestics the 
little vexations which she causes you ; to dread like 
poison marks of contempt, coldness, suspicion, or 
reproaches ; to apologize promptly and in an affec- 
tionate manner if you have allowed yourself to run 
into any ill humor ; to receive her counsels with 
attention, and benevolence, and to execute them as 
quickly as possible — these are the obligations of pro- 
priety and love, to which husbands possessed of gen- 
tleness bind themselves, by the sanctity of the 
vows which they have taken before God. There 
is a still more rigorous duty for a new hus- 
band, and for well married persons; they must 
abstain in public from every mark of affection too 
conspicuous, and every exclusive attention. Mar- 
ried persons who, in society, place themselves con- 
tinually near one another, and who converse and 
dance together, do not escape the ridicule to which 
their feelings blind them. In society, we ought 
above every thing to avoid being personal ; for a 
a husband or a wife, is another self; and we must 
forget that self. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 15 

Mothers, in particular, spare no caresses towards 
your children, occupy yourselves entirely with 
them, unless perhaps you fear to render them proud, 
difficult and insupportable ; if you fatigue people by 
having them always present, if you encourage or 
repeat their prattle and their sports ; if, on the 
other hand, you treat them with severity before 
strangers, if you reprimand or punish them, be 
assured every one will consider you importunate as 
well as ridiculous. 

Domestic propriety, which is at once a duty of 
justice, religion and humanity, is also a source of 
peace and pleasure. Servants treated with suitable 
regard, are attentive, zealous and grateful, and con- 
sequently every thing is done with propriety and 
affection. Who does not know the charm and value 
of this? 

Duties of this class require that you should never 
command your domestics with hauteur and harsh- 
ness. Every time that they render you a service, 
it claims an expression, a gesture, or at least a look 
of thankfulness ; it requires that you should be still 
more affectionate towards the domestics of your 
acquaintances, and especially towards those of your 
friends, whom you ought always to treat kindly. 
As to your own domestics, you should carefully 
beware of addressing to them any confidential or 



16 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

even useless conversation, for fear of rendering them 
insolent or familiar ; but propriety requires you to 
listen to them with kindness, and give them salutary 
advice when it is for their interest. It commands 
us also to show them indulgence frequently, in order 
to be able, when there is cause, to reprove them 
with firmness, without being obliged to have re- 
course to the false energy of anger. 

The ton of domestics ordinarily announces that of 
their masters. Never suffer them to remain seated 
while answering distinguished persons who ask for 
you. Take care that they do it always in a civil 
and polite manner; let them lose no time, if there 
is occasion, in relieving your visitors of their over- 
shoes, umbrellas, cloaks, &c.j let them go before, 
to save your visitors the trouble of opening and 
shutting the door. When an announcement is 
made, let them inform themselves respectfully of 
the name of the person, and pronounce it while 
holding open for them the door of your room. If you 
are not there, let them offer a seat, requesting the 
guests to wait a moment while they go to call you. 

When visitors take leave, domestics ought to 
manifest a promptness in opening the outer door ; 
they should hold the door by the handle, while you 
converse with the person whom you reconduct; 
they should present them respectfully with what- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 17 

ever garments they may have thrown off, and aid 
them in again putting them on ; and should, if occa- 
sion requires, light them to the door, going slowly 
behind them. 

Accustom your domestics never to appear before 
you too poorly, or too much dressed ; never to sit in 
your presence, especially while waiting upon the 
table ; not to enter into conversation ; never to an- 
swer by signs, or in coarse terms. 

It is only among the badly educated people of the 
small towns that they say, the i maid,' the 'boy, * 
the 'domestic,' the ' servant;' and among the 
proud, ill-bred fashionables, who ape grandeur; the 
'lackey,' the 'valet,' 'my people;' well-bred 
persons simply say, the ' nurse, ' the ' cook, ' the 
' chamber-maid, ' &c. and what is still better, they 
designate their domestics by their christian names. 

If you have ever met with those merciless house- 
keepers who give you a whole tariff of the commo- 
dities which they have been to market to purchase, 
attended by their maid; who entertain you con- 
stantly with the insults and unfaithfulness of their 
domestics ; who fly into a passion before you on 
account of a glass broken, of which they require the 
value, and make you witness and judge of pert 
discussions occasioned by servants' mistakes; if 
you have had the misfortune to dine with such per- 
2* 



18 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

sons, and have seen them hand reluctantly to their 
sullen maid-servants one key after another, to 
arrange the dessert brought by them with a good 
supply of ill-humor; if you have seen them go to 
the cellar themselves, and when they have just left 
the table, to arrange in a surly manner the wine, 
sugar, and delicacies, tell me, poor guest, if, turning 
your head away with confusion and disgust, you 
have not an hundred times said to yourself, i Oh ! 
what living and disgusting models of upstarts or 
provincials.' 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 19 



CHAPTER IV. 

Of propriety as regards one's self. 

Attention to one's person and reputation is also 
a duty. If vanity , pride, or prudery , have frequently 
given to these attentions the names of coquetry, 
ambition, or folly, this is a still stronger reason, 
why we should endeavor to clear up these points. 

SECTION I. 
Of the toilet. 

Propriety requires that we should always be 
clothed in a cleanly and becoming manner, even in 
private, in leaving our bed, or in the presence of no 
one. It requires that our clothing be in keeping 
with our sex, fortune, profession, age, and form, as 
well as with the season, the different hours of the 
day and our different occupations. 

Let us now descend to the particulars of these 
general rules. 

The dress for a man on his first rising, is a cap of 
cotton, or silk and cotton, a morning gown, or a 
vest with sleeves ; for a lady, a small muslin cap, 



20 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

(bonnet de percale,) a camisole or common robe. It 
is well that a half corset should precede the full 
corset, which last is used only when one is dressed ; 
for it is bad taste for a lady not to be laced at all. 
The hair papers, which cannot be removed on rising 
(because the hair would not keep in curl till eve- 
ning,) should be concealed under a bandeau of lace, 
Dr of the hair. They should be removed as soon 
as may be. In this dress, we can receive only inti- 
mate friends or persons, who call upon urgent or 
indispensable business ; even then we ought to offer 
some apology for it. To neglect to take off this 
morning dress as soon as possible, is to expose one's 
self to embarrassments often very painful, and to 
the appearance of a want of education. Moreover, 
it is well to impose upon yourself a rule to be 
dressed at some particular hour (the earliest possi- 
ble,) since occupations will present themselves to 
hinder your being ready for the day ; and you will 
easily acquire the habit of this. Such disorder of 
the toilet can be excused when it occurs rarely, or for 
a short time, as in such cases it seems evidently 
owing to a temporary embarrassment ; but if it oc- 
cur daily, or constantly ; if it seems the result of 
negligence and slovenliness, it is unpardonable, 
particularly in ladies, whose dress seems less de- 
signed for clothing than ornament. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 21 

To suppose that great heat of weather will author- 
ise this disorder of the toilet, and will permit us to 
go in slippers, or with our legs and arms bare, or to 
take nonchalant or improper attitudes, is an error of 
persons of a low class, or destitute of education. 
Even the weather of dog-days would not excuse 
this; and if we would remain thus dressed, we must 
give directions that we are not at home. On the 
other hand, to think that cold and rainy weather 
excuses like liberties, is equally an error. You ought 
not to be in the habit of wearing large socks (this is 
addressed particularly to ladies,) as socks of list and 
similar materials ; much less noisy shoes, such as 
wooden ones, galoches lined with fur, shoes with 
wooden soles, socks, &c ; this custom is in the worst 
taste. When you go to see any one, you cannot 
dispense with taking off your socks or clogs before 
you are introduced into the room. For to make a 
noise in walking is entirely at variance with good 
manners. 

However pressed one may be, a lady of good 
breeding should not go out in a morning dress, 
neither with an apron nor cap, even if it is made of 
fine cloth and trimmed with ribbands ; nor should 
a well-bred man show himself in the street in a 
waistcoat only, a jacket without sleeves, &c. We 
said before that the dress should be adapted to the 



22 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

different hours of the day. Ladies should make 
morning calls in an elegant and simple neglige, all 
the details of which we cannot give, on account of 
their multiplicity and the numerous modifications 
of fashion. We shall only say that ladies generally 
should make these calls in the dress which they 
wear at home. Gentlemen may call in an outside 
coat, in boots and pantaloons, as when they are on 
their ordinary business. In short, this dress is proper 
for gentlemen's visits in the middle of the day. 
With regard to ladies, it is necessary for them when 
visiting at this time, to arrange their toilet with more 
care. Ceremonious visits, evening visits, and espe- 
cially balls, require more attention to the dress of 
gentlemen, and a more brilliant costume for ladies. 
There are for the latter, head-dresses particularly 
designed for such occasions, and for no other, such 
as rich blond caps, ornamented with flowers, bril- 
liant berrets and toques, appropriate to the drawing- 
room. 

The nicest cloth, new and very fine linen, an ele- 
gant but plain waistcoat ; a beautiful watch, to which 
is attached a single costly key, thin and well polished 
shoes, an entirely new hat, of a superior quality — 
this is a dress at once recherche and rigorously 
exact, for gentlemen of good taste and ton. One's 
profession requires very little modification of this 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 23 

costume; we should observe, however, that men of 
science (savans) and literary men and those in the 
profession of the law, should avoid having a fashion- 
able or military costume, which is generally adopted 
by students, commercial men, and exquisites, for the 
sake of ton or for want of something to do. 

Situation in the world determines among ladies, 
those differences, which though otherwise well mark- 
ed, are becoming less so every day. Every one knows 
that whatever be the fortune of a young lady, her 
dress ought always, in form as well as ornaments, 
to exhibit less of a recherche appearance and 
should be less showy than that of married ladies. 
Costly cashmeres, very rich furs, and diamonds, as 
well as many other brilliant ornaments, are to be 
forbidden a young lady ; and those who act in defi- 
ance of these rational marks of propriety make us 
believe that they are possessed of an unrestrained 
love of luxury, and deprive themselves of the pleas- 
ure of receiving these ornaments from the hand of 
the man of their choice. 

All ladies cannot use indiscriminately the privilege 
which marriage confers upon them in this respect, 
and the toilet of those whose fortune is moderate 
should not pass the bounds of an elegant simplicity. 
Considerations of a more elevated nature, as of good 
domestic order, the dignity of a wife, and the duties 



24 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

of a mother, come in support of this law of propriety, 
for it concerns morality in all its branches. 

We must beware of a shoal in this case ; frequently 
a young lady of small fortune, desiring to appear 
decently in any splendid assembly, makes sacrifices 
in order to embellish her modest attire. But these 
sacrifices are necessarily inadequate ; a new and 
brilliant article of dress is placed by the side of a 
mean or old one. The toilet then wants harmony, 
which is the soul of elegance as well as of beauty. 
Moreover, whatever be the opulence which you en- 
joy, luxury encroaches so much upon it, that no 
riches are able to satisfy its demands ; but fortu- 
nately propriety, always in accordance with reason, 
encourages by this maxim social and sensible 
women. Neither too high, nor too low ; it is equally 
ridiculous either to pretend to be the most showy, or 
to display the meanest attire in an assembly. 

The rules suitable to age resemble those which 
mediocrity of fortune imposes; for instance, old 
ladies ought to abstain from gaudy colors, recherche 
designs, too late fashions, and graceful ornaments, 
as feathers, flowers, and jewels. A lady in her de- 
cline dressed in her hair, and wearing a dress with 
short sleeves, adorned with collars, bracelets, &c. 
offends against propriety as much as against her in- 
terest and dignity. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 25 

The rigorous simplicity of the dress of men estab- 
lishes but very little difference between that of 
young and old. The latter, however, ought to choose 
grave colors, not to follow the fashions too closely; 
to avoid garments too tight or too short, and not to 
have in view in their toilet any other object but 
ease and neatness. Unless the care of their health, 
or complete baldness, requires them to wear a wig,* 
it is more proper that old persons should show their 
white and noble heads. Old ladies, whom custom 
requires to conceal this respectable sign of a long 
life, should at least avoid hair too thick or too full of 
curls. 

If they would not appear ridiculous and clothed in 
a manner disagreeable or offensive, ladies ought to 
adopt in summer light garments, and delicate colors, 
and in winter, furs, thick and warm fabrics, and deep 
colors. Men till lately were almost free from this 
obligation \ they used to be constantly clothed in 
broadcloth in all seasons : but now, although this may 
form the basis of their toilet, they must select 
stuffs for winter or summer, as may be suitable. It 
is in good ton for gentlemen to wear a rich cloak ; 

* Young people who become bald, should not hesitate 
to have recourse to wigs. Nothing more saddens the 
appearance, than those bald skulls, which seem always 
to invite the observations of the anatomist. 
3 



26 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

an outer garment over the coat (especially one of 
silk,) is left for men of a certain age. It only belongs 
to septuagenarians and ecclesiastics to wear doublets 
or wadded outer coats. 

To finish our instructions relative to the toilet, it 
only remains for us to make a few observations. 

It is superlatively ridiculous for a lady to go on 
foot, when dressed in her hair, or attired for the draw- 
ing-room or a ball. If one dwells in a provincial town 
where it is not customary to use carriages, they 
should go in a chair. Who does not perceive how 
laughable it is to see a lady who is clothed in satin, 
lace, or velvet, laboriously travelling in the dust or 
mud. 

Vary your toilet as much as possible, for fear that 
idlers and malignant wits, who are always a majority 
in the world, should amuse themselves by making 
your dress the description of your person. 

Certain fashionables seek to gain a kind of reputa- 
tion by the odd choice of their attire, and by their 
eagerness to seize upon the first caprices of the fash- 
ions. Propriety with difficulty tolerates these fancies 
of a spoiled child : but it applauds a woman of sense 
and taste, who is not in a hurry to follow the fashions, 
and asks how long they will probably last before 
adopting them; finally, who selects and modifies 
them with success according to her size and figure. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS- 27 

It would be extremely clownish to carry dirt into 
a decent house, especially if one makes a ceremoni- 
ous visit ; and, when there is much mud, or when 
we cannot walk with skill, it is proper to go in a car- 
riage, or at least to put in requisition the services of 
a shoe-black at a short distance from the house. 



SECTION II. 
Of Reputation. 

Among the cares which propriety obliges us to 
take of our person, to please is but an accessary cir- 
cumstance ; the principal end is to indicate by clean- 
liness, and the suitableness of apparel, that good 
order, a sense of what is right, and politeness in all 
things, direct our thoughts and actions. Inthispoint 
of view, we see that a regard to reputation is the 
necessary consequence of the duties of propriety to- 
ward one's self. 

To inspire esteem and consideration, is then the 
grand object of propriety of conduct; for without 
this treasure, the relations of society would be a 
humiliation and punishment. They are obtained by 
the accomplishment of our obligations of family and 
of our profession ; by our probity and good manners , 
by our fortune and situation in society. 



28 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

Consideration is not acquired by words ; an article 
so precious demands a real value ; it demands also 
the assistance of discretion. So that we must begin 
by fulfilling exactly our duties towards relations ; 
but we must beware of making public those petty 
quarrels, and little differences of interest, of ill 
humor or opinion, which sometimes trouble families 
most closely united. These momentary clouds, soon 
dissipated by affection and confidence, would be en- 
graven on the memory of others as a proof of your 
domestic discords, and in the end, of your faults.* 

Probity, that powerful means of obtaining consid- 
eration, by its elevated and religious nature, is not 
within our investigation of the principles of polite- 
ness. 

This is not the case with that consideration 
which is attached to purity of morals. The proof of 
probity is in probity itself ; but, thanks to the deli- 
cate shades of reputation, in regard to chastity, there 
exists, independently of good conduct, a multitude 
of cares, and precautions, which, however minute 
and embarrassing at times, ought never to be neg- 
lected. Ladies, to whom the advice contained in 

* As to the means of obtaining consideration, in per- 
forming the duties appertaining to our station in life, see 
the following chapters. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 29 

this paragraph is particularly addressed, know how 
the shadow of suspicion withers and torments them. 
This shadow, it is necessary to avoid at all hazards, 
and on that account to submit to all the require- 
ments of propriety. 

Young married ladies are at liberty to visit by 
themselves their acquaintances, but they cannot 
present themselves in public without their husband, 
or an aged lady. They are at liberty however to 
walk with young married ladies or unmarried ones, 
while the latter should never walk alone with their 
companions. Neither should they show themselves 
except with a gentleman of their family, and then 
he should be a near relation or of .respectable age. 

Except in certain provincial towns, where there 
is a great strictness in behavior, young married ladies 
receive the visits of gentlemen ; they permit their 
company in promenades, without suffering the least 
injury to their reputation, provided it is always 
with men of good morals, and that they take care 
to avoid every appearance of coquetry. Young 
widows have equal liberty with married ladies. 

A lady ought not to present herself alone in a 
library, or a museum, unless she goes there to study 
or work as an artist. 

A lady ought to have a modest and measured gait ; 
too great hurry injures the grace which ought to 
3* 



30 GENTLEMAN AND LADIES 

characterize her. She should not turn her head on 
one side and the other, especially in large towns, 
where this bad habit seems to be an invitation to the 
impertinent. If such persons address her in any 
flattering or insignificant terms, she should take 
good care not to answer them a word. If they per- 
sist, she should tell them in a brief and firm, though 
polite tone, that she desires to be left to herself. If 
a man follow her in silence, she should pretend not 
to perceive him, and at the same time hasten a little 
her step. 

Towards the close of the day, a young lady would 
conduct herself in an unbecoming manner, if she 
should go alone; and if she passes the evening with 
any one, she ought to see that a domestic comes to 
to accompany her, if not, to request the person whom 
she is visiting, to allow some one to do so. But 
however much this may be considered proper, and 
consequently an obligation, a married lady well edu- 
cated will disregard it if circumstances prevent her 
being able, without trouble, to find a conductor. 

If the master of the house wishes to accompany 
you himself, you must excuse yourself politely from 
giving him so much trouble, but finish however by 
accepting. On arriving at your house, you should 
offer him your thanks. In order to avoid these two 
inconveniences, it will be well to request your hus- 



BOOK OF POLITEKE8S. 31 

band, or some one of your relations to come and wait 
upon you ; you will in this way avoid still another 
inconvenience ; in small towns, where malice is ex- 
cited by ignorance and want of something to do, they 
frequently censure the most innocent acts ; it is not 
uncommon to hear slanderous and silly gossips ob- 
serve, that madame such-a-one goes to madame such- 
a-one's for the sake of returning with her husband. 
The seeds of such an imputation, once sown, quickly 
come to maturity. 

The care of the reputation of ladies further de- 
mands that they should have a modest deportment ; 
should abstain from forward manners, and free 
speeches. 



32 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'g 



CHAPTER V. 

Of propriety, in regard to one's business or profession, 

Besides general politeness, that ready money which 
is current with all, there is a polite deportment suit- 
ed to every profession. Interest, custom, and the 
desire of particular esteem, the necessity of moderat- 
ing the enthusiasm which almost constantly animates 
us, — are the motives which determine the differ- 
ent kinds of politeness that we are going to consider 
as regards shopkeepers, people in office, lawyers, 
physicians, artists, military men, and ecclesiastics. 
As all this politeness is mutual, we shall necessarily 
speak of the obligations imposed upon people who 
have intercourse with these different persons. 

SECTION I. 
Politeness of Shopkeepers and Customers. 

Politeness in shopkeepers is a road to fortune, 
which the greater part of them are careful not to 
neglect, especially at Paris, where we find particu- 
larly the model of a well-bred shopkeeper. It is 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 33 

this model that we wish to hold up even to some 
Parisians, and to the retail dealers of the provincial 
towns, as well as to those who are unacquainted 
with trade, bat are destined to that profession. 

When a customer calls, the shopkeeper should 
salute him politely, without inquiring after his health, 
unless he be intimately acquainted with him. He 
then waits until the customer has made known his 
wishes, advances toward him, or brings forward a 
seat, then shows him, with great civility, the articles 
for which he has inquired. If the purchaser be diffi- 
cult to suit, capricious, ridiculous, or even disdainful, 
the shopkeeper ought not to appear to perceive it ; 
he may however in such cases, show a little cold- 
ness of manner. 

The part which shopkeepers have to act is fre- 
quently painful, we must allow ; there are some peo- 
ple who treat them like servants ; there are some 
capricious fashionables , who go into a shop only to 
pass the time, to see the new fashions, and who, 
with this object make the shopkeeper open a hun- 
dred bundles, show heaps of goods, and finish by 
going out, saying in a disdainful tone that nothing 
suits them. There are some merciless purchasers 
who contend for a few cents with all the tenacity of 
avarice, obstinacy and pride ; however, under all 
these vexations, the shopkeeper must show constant 



34 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



urbanity. He waits upon such imperious purcha 
with readiness, but nevertheless in silence, for he 
must be convinced that the more complying we are 
to people of this sort, the more haughty and difficult 
they show themselves. 

With capricious fashionables, his patience should 
never forsake him ; and although he well knows what 
will be the result of their fatiguing call, he never- 
theless should show them his goods, as if he thought 
they really intended to buy; for sometimes this 
tempts them to purchase. Even though his polite- 
ness should be all lost, he should still express his 
regret at not having been able to suit the lady, and 
hope to be more fortunate another time ; he should 
then conduct her politely to the door, which he 
should hold open until her carriage leaves it. 

A shopkeeper who wishes to save time, words and 
vexation, who even feels the dignity of his profes- 
sion, ought to sell at a fixed price, or if he does not 
announce that he sells in that mode, he ought at least 
to adopt it, and not to have what is called an asking 
price. If however he has to do with those gossips 
who think themselves cheated unless something is 
abated, or who design to impose sacrifices on the 
shopkeepers, it is necessary to carry on this ridicu** 
lous skirmishing politely, and to yield by degrees, 
without exhibiting any marks of displeasure at these 



BOOK OF POLITENESS, 35 

endless debates. But the dealer ofbon ton abstains 
'from those lofty assurances, those laughable adjura- 
tions, declarations of loss, and of preference, as, Hose 
all profit, it is because it is you, and other foolish 
things, which make a lackey's office of a truly re- 
spectable profession. 

The clerks should carry the articles purchased to 
the desk, whither they should politely conduct the 
purchaser ; they then should make up the bundle 
which they should not deliver until the bill is set- 
tled, and the purchaser is ready to depart. If the 
latter is not on foot, the bundle should not be deliv- 
ered until he is seated in the carriage, and the door 
is ready to be shut. If, on the contrary, the purcha- 
ser is not in a carriage, he must be asked whether 
he wishes to have the bundle carried home. This 
politeness is indispensable if the bundle is large, 
and especially if the purchaser is a lady. 

It is further necessary that the person at the desk 
should offer small change for the balance of the 
purchase, and should apologise if he is obliged to 
give copper or heavy money ; he ought to present a 
bill of the articles, and not show any ill-humor if 
the purchaser thinks proper to look over it. 

There is one circumstance which tries the polite- 
ness of the most civil shopkeepers; it is when an 
assortment is wanted. It is indeed irksome enough 



36 GENTLEMAN AND LADY ? S 

to show a great quantity of goods, and give patterns 
of them, with the certainty almost that all you do 
will avail nothing. But it ought not to be forgotten, 
that like all other qualities, politeness has its trials, 
and that perhaps the person who has thus chanced 
to call at their shop, will be induced by this amenity 
of behavior, to continue always a customer. 

We trust that the shopkeepers' clerks, in the rec- 
ommendations which we are now about to give them, 
will not see any silly attempt to address them with 
smart sayings. 

By enjoining upon them to avoid volubility — a 
disrespectful familiarity toward ladies — extravagant 
praises of their goods — an affected zeal in serving 
rich persons — an impolite tardiness, and disdainful 
inattention to people of a diffident manner — the 
ridiculous habit of wishing to make conversation — 
to urge people to buy whether they wish to or not — 
to stun them with the names of all the goods in the 
shop — by enjoining upon them to avoid these things, 
we intend less to join in than to preserve them from 
the reproaches of fault finders. 

Every civility ought to be reciprocal, or nearly so. 
If the officious politeness of the shopkeeper does 
not require an equal return, he has at least a claim 
to civil treatment; and, finally, if this politeness 
proceed from interest, is this a reason why purchas- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 37 

ers should add to the unpleasantness of his profes- 
sion, and trouble themselves little at violating the 
laws of politeness ? Many very respectable people 
allow themselves so many infractions on this point, 
that I think it my duty to dwell upon it. 

You should never sa.y,Iwa?it such a thing, but, have 
the goodness to show me, or show me, if you please^ 
that article, or use some other polite form of address* 
If they do not show you at first the articles you de- 
sire, and you are obliged to examine a great number, 
apologize to the shopkeeper for the trouble you giv© 
him. If, after all you cannot suit yourself, renew 
your apologies, when you go away. 

If you make small purchases, say, I ask your par- 
don, or J am sorry for having troubled you for so tri- 
fling a thing. If you spend a considerable time in* 
the selection of articles, apologize to the shopkeep-. 
er who waits for you to decide. 

If the price seems to you too high, and that the 
shop has not fixed prices, ask an abatement in brief 
and civil terms, and without ever appearing to sus- 
pect the good faith of the shopkeeper. If he does 
not yield, do not enter into a contest with him, but 
go away, after telling him politely that you think, 
you can obtain the article cheaper elsewhere, but if 
not, that you will give him the preference. If the 
clerk ends by asking whether you wish for any other 
4 



38 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

article, answer always in a manner to encourage 
him that you will call again. We should never neg- 
lect to be agreeable. Thank him always when you 
go out. 



SECTION II. 
Politeness between Peisons in Office and the Public. 

This is not very conspicuous ; nor can it be, 
since in this case, the desire of pleasing and the 
expectation of gain, have no influence. Besides, as 
we remain but a moment with these gentlemen, and 
as they have business with a great many people, the 
observances and forms of politeness would be mis- 
placed. The following are points to be observed by 
them, and are by no means rigid ; the greater there- 
fore the reason for conforming to them. 

A man in office is not obliged to rise and salute 
people, nor to offer them a seat; it is enough for 
him to receive them by an inclination of the head, 
and make a sign with the hand, to intimate to them 
to be seated. The business being finished, he salutes 
them on leaving, as before, and never conducts them 
back to the door. It would be ridiculous to be of- 
fended with these bureaucratic forms, and still more 
so, to wish to enter into conversation, to make inqui- 



BOOK OF POLITEiNESS. 39 

ries concerning the health, &c. In proportion to 
their official habits, those in office ought to watch 
themselves with care in society. 



SECTION III. 

Politeness of Lawyers and their Clients- 

Politeness is a very difficult thing for this respect- 
able class, who see constantly before their eyes peo- 
ple always animated with a feeling which renders 
them little amiable, namely, interest. Besides, being 
in the habit of refuting their adversaries, and being 
obliged to do it promptly, they acquire, in general, a 
kind of bluntness, a decisive tone, a spirit of contra- 
diction, of which they ought to be distrustful in so- 
ciety, and also in their places of business. The fa- 
miliar usage of common inquiries after the health is 
not customary between attorneys or advocates and 
their clients, unless they have before been acquaint- 
ed with them. They are however bound to observe 
attentions which are not practised by persons in 
office. They rise to salute their clients, offer them 
a seat, and conduct them to the door when they 
take leave ; they observe what is due to sex, rank, 
and age. 

As to clients, they ought to conform to the ordi- 



40 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

nary rules of civility ; they ought, moreover, not to 
exhibit any signs of impatience while they are wait- 
ing until they can be received. They should take 
care to be clear and precise in the narration of their 
business, and not to importune by vain repetitions 
or passionate declamations, the counsellor who is 
listening to them. They should also consider that 
his moments are precious, and should retire so soon 
as they shall have sufficiently instructed him in 
their business. 



-SECTION IV. 

Politeness of Physicians and their Patients. 

The observances adopted in the offices of lawyers, 
are likewise practised with consulting physicians; 
but sympathy should give to the tone or manner of 
the latter a more affectionate character. Patients 
well educated will beware of abusing it, and will 
keep to themselves all complaints which are useless 
towards a knowledge of their malady. They will 
answer the questions of the doctor in a clear, brief, 
and polite manner ; and when these questions do not 
embrace the observations which they may have made 
on their own disorder, they will say so, at the same 
time observing some excuse like the following; 1 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 41 

ask your pardon ; this observation is perhaps idle, but 
being myself ignorant, and wishing to omit nothing, I 
submit it to your good judgment. 

You ought to give frequent and heartfelt thanks 
to the physician who affords you his advice or atten- 
tions. The circumstance of his being unsuccessful 
does not exonerate you from these testimonies of 
gratitude ; it renders them perhaps more obligatory, 
for delicacy requires that you should not appear tac- 
itly to reproach him on account of his having been 
unfortunate in his efforts. 

Being obliged to speak of different wants, and of 
different parts of the body, for which politeness has 
no appropriate language, the physician ought to 
avoid being obscure or gross, particularly when ad- 
dressing ladies. A forgetfulness of these forms often 
renders insupportable even a meritorious and learn- 
ed man. 

Every one knows, with what delicate precautions 
a physician ought to speak before the patient and 
his family, of the nature of the illness and of the 
probable consequences when there exists any danger; 
in what guarded terms he should at last disclose to 
them a fatal termination, if unfortunately it has be- 
come inevitable. Every body knows, also, that how- 
ever poignant may be the grief of parents, they 
ought never to let it appear in their conversations 
4* 



42 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

with the physician, that they regard him as the 
cause of their affliction. 



SECTION V. 

Politeness of Artists and Authors, and the Deference 
due to them. 

Do artists come under the common rule, it will 
perhaps be said ? and I shall ask, in my turn : Do 
they live like others, — these men, always absorbed 
in one strong and single conception, with which 
they, like the Creator, wish to animate matter ? — 
who seek everywhere the secret of the beautiful 
which goads, infatuates, and evades them ? — pas- 
sionate, absorbed in thought, ingenuous, almost al- 
ways strangers to calculation, to pleasure, and to 
the occupations of the world ? No, they have a sep- 
arate existence, one which the world does not com- 
prehend, and which they ought to conceal from the 
world. 

If, as we shall see hereafter, one should avoid 
speaking of his profession, and of his personal affairs, 
for a still stronger reason, an artist ought to be silent 
about his own labors, his success, and his hopes. 
People will accuse him of arrogance, of vanity, and 
perhaps even of madness ; for enthusiasm is not in- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 43 

eluded in, nor admitted into society, because there 
the ridiculous is feared above everything, and from 
the sublime to the ridiculous there is but one step. Let 
him, then, reserve only for his friends, for true friends 
of the arts, his noble and striking bursts of inspira- 
tion. 

People are also generally prone to suspect artists 
of jealousy. In order to escape this accusation, and 
at the same time preserve the right of telling their 
thoughts, they ought to commend warmly what ap- 
pears to them good, and criticise with much modera- 
tion and without any raillery what is defective. 

These observations are addressed equally to au- 
thors, with this important addition. Besides the 
charge of arrogance, people are much disposed to ac- 
cuse them of pedantry. Let them therefore be care- 
ful, and check constantly the desire of entering into 
conversation upon the interesting subjects with 
which they are continually occupied. Let them al- 
ways be in fear of obtaining the name of a bel esprit, 
a name which calls up so many recollections of ped- 
antry and affectation. 

A graceful simplicity, a happy mixture of eleva- 
tion and naivete, should characterise authors and 
artists, but particularly female authors and artists. 
Ladies who handle the pen, the lyre, or the pen- 
cil, ought to be well persuaded that any vestige 



44 GENTLEMAN AND LADl's 

of prejudice raises against them, especially in pro- 
vincial places, a multitude of unfavorable observa- 
tions. And besides, so many half-instructed women 
have had so much the air and manners of upstarts, 
that this opinion is almost excusable. Now this 
prejudice lays it down as a rule, that every female 
author or artist may be known at first sight, by her 
oddities, her want of modesty, or her pedantic folly. 
Do away this unjust prejudice, my female friends : 
it will be both easy and pleasant ; you will have only 
to follow the influence of an elevated soul, a pure 
taste ; you will have but to remind yourselves that 
simplicity is the coquetry of genius. 

But if people who cultivate literature and the arts 
ought to apply themselves without reluctance or ill- 
humor to all the requirements of society ; if they 
ought to strip themselves of all pretension, and for- 
get themselves, others should not forget them. Po- 
liteness requires that we converse with an author 
concerning his works ; that we congratulate him on 
his success ; that we bestow upon him suitable and 
delicate praises. If any of his works are unknown to 
us, we should ask of him the loan of it with earnest- 
ness ; we should read it with promptitude, and prove 
to him by our citations that we have a thorough ac- 
quaintance with it. If he makes us a present of any 
of his productions, we shall owe him a call, or at 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 45 

least a billet of thanks. Handsome compliments, 
and lively testimonials of acknowledgment, ought to 
fill up this visit or billet. Remember, also, that to 
please an artist, it is necessary to flatter at once his 
taste, his self-esteem, and his cultivation of the fine 
arts. Speak to him therefore like a connoisseur, or 
at least an admirer of music, or of painting. Ask the 
favor of seeing his pictures, or of hearing his sym- 
phonies. Contemplate the former a long time ; lis- 
ten to the latter with great attention ; address to him 
lively congratulations mingled with thanks; then, 
by an adroit transition, put to him questions which 
prove your desire to be initiated into a knowledge of 
the arts. 

When an artist or a writer obtains any honorable 
distinction, as a prize, a medal, dramatic success, or 
an academical title, his friends and acquaintances 
should lose no time in offering him their compli- 
ments. Those at a distance, may perform this duty 
of politeness by writing. 

Not only authors by profession, but literary per- 
sons who publish a discourse, a little work, or a 
pamphlet, should send, in an envelope, a copy to 
their family, friends, professional brethren, authors 
who have addressed to them similar presents, to their 
intimate acquaintances, their superiors, and to those 
persons to whom they owe respect — according to the 



46 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

nature of the work, and to the people with whom 
they have relations of pleasure, or of business. It is 
an affectionate and very polite custom for the author 
to write with his own hand at the top of the first leaf 
or of the cover, some kind or respectful words, ac- 
cording to the person to whom it is addressed. These 
words, which are designed to make of the gift a re- 
membrance or homage, are always written under the 
name of the person, and signed by the author. We 
will here speak of a dedication only to observe, 
that we cannot dedicate a work to any one, without 
having previously obtained his consent, either ver- 
bally or by writing. When it is to the king, queen, 
or princes, it is necessary to write to their secretary, 
to know their wish in this respect. As to any oth- 
er person of dignity, we may write to him without 
any intermediate agency. If the members of the 
royal family have accepted the dedication, the author 
is generally allowed the honor of presenting his work 
to them. 

SECTION VI. 

Politeness of Military Men. 

Military politeness has, as we know, some partic- 
ular characteristics. Officers and soldiers do not 
uncover themselves on entering a church, if they are 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 47 

under arms; only, during the elevation of the host,* 
they raise the right hand to the front part of their 
helmet^ cap, or shako. f When soldiers converse 
with their superiors, they constantly hold the edge 
of the hand to their forehead. On entering a draw- 
ing room, an officer lays down his sabre or his sword. 
It is not in good ton for a man to present himself 
before ladies, in the uniform of the national guard, 
unless some circumstance excuses or authorises this 
liberty. 

In a citizen's dress, officers may wear a black 
cravat. 

If we are acquainted with military men, in ad- 
dressing them, we call them only general, or captain; 
but it would be uncivil to give them the title of an 
inferior grade thus we should not say lieutenant. 

* This has reference, of course ; to Catholic countries 
only. 
t A kind of military cap. 



48 GENTLEMAN AND fcADY's 



SECTION VIL 

Politeness of Ecclesiastics and Females of Religious 
Orders ; and the Deference due to them* 

A priest should be considered in two points of 
view ; when he is exercising his holy office, and 
when he is taking part in the relations of society. 
In the first case, he is an object of special respect ; 
and even the title to be given him, the words to bo 
addressed to him, the attitude to be taken in speak- 
ing to him, are regulated by the liturgy. But, al- 
though the ecclesiastic be not now in society an object 
of religious veneration, he has, as the representative 
of God, or as a minister of the altar, a right to much 
respect and deference. Too light conversation, dan- 
cing and love songs, would be out of place in his 
presence. 

Ecclesiastics have two shoals to avoid. Their cus- 
tom of preaching a severe and sacred morality, and 
of catechising or censuring with authority the pen- 

* These remarks have particular reference to Catholic 
countries and forms, but may many of them be applied 
to other denominations. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS, 49 

itent, gives them sometimes a dogmatical and rigid 
tone, a pedantry of morality altogether contrary to 
social affability. Sometimes, also, to guard against 
this result, which they feel to be almost inevitable, 
ecclesiastics, especially the more aged, indulge 
themselves in unsuitable pleasantries, which they 
would not dare to allow in men of the world. A mild 
gravity, a moderate gaiety, a noble and affectionate 
urbanitj r — these are the characteristics which ought 
to distinguish the ecclesiastic, in society. 



50 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



PART II. 

OF PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT IN REGARD TO 
OUR SOCIAL RELATIONS. 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Deportment in the Street. 

Some readers will perhaps be surprised to see 
me commence a chapter with the duty we owe to 
persons passing the street ; but if they reflect upon 
it, they will see^that there are, even on this subject, 
a sufficient number of things proper to be mentioned. 

When you are passing in the street, and see com- 
ing towards you a person of your acquaintance, 
whether a lady, a man raised to dignity, or an elderly 
person, you should ofFer them the wall, that is to say, 
the side next the houses. 

If a carriage happen to stop in such a manner as 
to leave only a narrow passage I etween it and the 
houses, beware of elbowing and rudely crowding the 
passengers, with a view to getting by more expedi- 
te jsly : wait your turn, and if any one of the per- 
sons before mentioned comes up, you should edge up 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 51 

to the wall, in order to give them the place. They 
also, as they pass, ought to bow politely to you. 

If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a 
plank across the gutters, which have become sud- 
denly full of water, it is not proper to crowd before 
another, in order to ^ass over the frail bridge. 

Further, — a young man of good breeding should 
promptly offer his hand to ladies, ev3n if they are 
not acquaintances, when they pass such a place. 

You must pay attention to your manner of walk- 
ing, for fear of throwing mud around you, and spat- 
tering yourself as well as those who accompany you, 
or who walk behind you. Any person, particularly 
a lady, who walks in this improper manner, what- 
ever her education may be in other respects, will 
always appear awkward and clumsy. 

Every one knows that the Parisian ladies are cel- 
ebrated for their skill in walking : we see them in 
white stockings and thin shoes, passing through 
long, dirty, and blocked up streets, gliding by care- 
less persons, and by vehicles crossing each other in 
every direction, and yet return home after a walk of 
several hours, without soiling their clothes in the 
least. 

To arrive at this astonishing result, which canses 
the wonder and vexation of provincial visitors on 
their first coming to Paris, we must be careiul to 



52 GENTLEMAN AND LADy's 

put the foot on the middle of the paving stones, and 
never on the edges, for, in that case, one inevitably 
slips into the interstice between one pavement and 
another : we must begin by supporting the toe, be- 
fore we do the heel; and even when the mud is 
quite deep, we must put down the heel but seldom. 
When the street becomes less muddy, we can com- 
pensate ourselves for this fatigue, which, however, 
in the end, leaves us hardly sensible. 

This manner of walking is strictly necessary when 
you offer your arm to any one. When tripping over 
the pavement, (as the saying is) a lady should grace- 
fully raise her dress a little above her ancle. With 
the right hand she should hold together the folds of 
her gown, and draw them towards the right side. 
To raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, 
is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can be tolerated 
only for a moment, when the mud is very deep. 

It is an important thing in the streets of a large 
city to edge one's-self along ; that is to avoid jostling 
and being jostled by those who are passing. A neg- 
lect of this attention, will make you appear not only 
awkward and ridiculous, but you will receive or give 
dangerous blows. One can edge along by turning 
sideways, contracting his arms, and watching with 
his eye the direction which it is best to take in order 
not to come in contact with the person who meets 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 53 

him. A little practice and care will soon make this 
duty familiar. 

To make our way along, becomes more difficult 
when we have a packet or an umbrella to carry, es- 
pecially if the latter is open. It is then necessary to 
lower or raise it, or to turn it on one side. If you 
neglect these precautions, you run the risk of strik- 
ino- it ao-ainst those who are comino- and jroing, or of 
seeing it twirled round, and of being thrown against 
a carriage, or against some one who will complain 
bitterly of your incivility and awkwardness. 

If you have no umbrella, and find yourself over- 
taken by a sudden shower, and any person provided 
with one is going in the same direction, you may re- 
quest them to shelter you; they should receive your 
request with much politeness, inform themselves of 
the place where you wish to stop, and offer to con 
duct you there, unless it is too much out of the way, 
or they be pressed for business; in this case, they 
should express their regret at not being able to ac- 
company you so far as you wish. 

What we are now about to say, proves that a per- 
son truly polite, will not wait for you to make this 
request, but will use every exertion to anticipate it : 
we must observe however, whether age, sex, or dress 
present no objection ; for sometimes one would be 
treated with ill-humor and contempt ; and if you are 



54 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

a lady, particularly arrived at a certain age, it would 
be extremely unpleasant to accost a person, who, on 
his part, ought never to offer this favor, nor any oth- 
er to ladies, and whose air and immodest manners 
indicate at once his vulgarity. It would, be equally 
out of place to address such a request to those of a 
very low class ; but if such an one asks the favor 
of you, it is proper to receive it with politeness. 

Another not uncommon point of propriety to be 
observed, consists in asking and pointing out the 
different streets. If you have occasion for this ser- 
vice, you speak politely, and say in a kind tone. 
Madam, or Sir, where is such a street, if you phase ? 
You should be careful to give this title to persons 
whom you address, even if they should be porters or 
hucksters. It is particularly to these that you should 
have recourse, for in addressing persons passing by, 
you are liable to meet those, who, as well as your- 
self, are strangers to the neighborhood, or to hinder 
those who are busy ; it is moreover, impolite, to 
trouble shopkeepers in their places of business. The 
direction being given us, we should thank them, at 
the same time bowing. Parisians are justly celebra- 
ted for the politeness and complaisance with which 
they show the way to passengers, and you ought to 
imitate them, ^very time that occasion offers. If 
you are a man, and a lady or distinguished person 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 55 

asks this favor of you, you should take off your hat 
while answering them. 

There are some ill-mannered and malicious per- 
sons, who take pleasure in misleading strangers by 
wrong directions. It will be enough to mention 
such impertinence in order to despise it as we ought. 

As to those young men who entertain a false idea 
that Parisian ladies are coquettes or forward in their 
manners, and besides, that everything is allowable 
in a large city, let them be assured that a man who 
dares (as often happens) to address improper compli- 
ments to ladies, to follow them, to listen to their con- 
versation, or to finish a sentence which they have 
begun, is a model of rudeness, an object of aversion 
to ladies, and of contempt to gentlemen. A young 
man of good manners ought not to look at a lady too 
narrowly, or he will pass for an impertinent fellow, 
who, as the saying is, stares people full in the face, 
(sous le nez.) 

It is especially when there are many persons as- 
sembled in one place that these boors play off their 
rude tricks ; to which they give the name of hoaxes 
for the multitude, at first because they are unper- 
ceived, and afterwards, because the least bad among 
them think that the crowd are out of the jurisdiction 
of propriety. This opinion, which obtains among 
some persons, is an error. Politeness becomes still 



56 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

more indispensable, in proportion to the assemblage. 
Why are crowds usually so disagreeable, and even 
dangerous ? It is because they are composed of 
people without education, who rudely push against 
their neighbors, with their fist or elbow, who neglect 
to follow the movement of going and coming ; who, 
on occasion of the slightest collision, raise loud com- 
plaints, and, by their lamentations, their cries, and 
continual trepidation, render insupportable a situa- 
tion which, without this, would be but troublesome 
enough. 

When we meet, in the street, a person of our ac- 
quaintance, we salute them by bowing and uncov- 
ering ourselves, if there is occasion. Sometimes it is 
not enough to give a simple salutation, but we must 
go to the person and inquire how they are, if we see 
them frequently. While we are speaking, if there 
is occasion, and it be a lady, or an aged and respect- 
able man, we remain uncovered : it is for the latter, 
who see how troublesome this politeness is in win- 
ter, to insist that the person addressing them should 
put on his hat. It also belongs to the person who is 
the more important of the two, to take leave first. 
For example, in a meeting of this kind, a gentleman 
never leaves a lady until she takes leave of him; nor 
is a young lady allowed to leave first a married or 
elderly lady. During this interview, which should 



BOOK OF TOLITENESS, 57 

be very short, the speaker of least importance ought 
to take the lower part of the side- walk, in order to 
keep the person with whom he is conversing, from 
the neighborhood of the carriages. It would be su- 
premely ridiculous to enter into a long conversation, 
and thus detain, against their will, the person accost- 
ed. If we have anything urgent to say to them, we 
may ask permission to accompany them. We will 
add, that at Paris, a young man ought to avoid ap- 
proaching, and even saluting a young lady of his 
acquaintance, out of regard to the natural timidity of 
her sex. 

If there is a stranger with the one whom we meet, 
we must be contented with saluting the latter with- 
out stopping, otherwise we put his companion in a 
disagreeable position. This civility becomes a rig- 
orous duty if they are accompanied by a lady. An- 
cient gallantry required that in this last case, we not 
only should not stop, but still more, that we should 
not salute an acquaintance, or friend who may pass ; 
this is in order not to force her companion to salute 
an unknown person (for one should bow every time 
that the person bows with whom we are ;) but this 
custom may be modified. If it is a friend, or young 
man, one may be content with making merely a mo- 
tion ; but if it be an elderly man, a distinguished 
character, or a lady, it is necessary to salute them, 



58 GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

saying to the companion : / take the liberty to salute 
Mr. or Madam N. 

If a person of your acquaintance is at a window, 
and you are thought to perceive them, you ought to 
address a salutation to them. But it is necessary to 
avoid speaking to them from the street, or of making 
signs to them, for this is a custom of bad ton. 

To enter into a long conversation with common 
and low people, who make their door-step their par- 
lor, is to be almost as ill bred as they themselves are. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 59 



CHAPTER II. 

Of different Kinds of Visits. 

Visits are a very important part of the social rela- 

I tions ; they are not merely the simple means of 

communication established by necessity, since they 

have at once for their object, duty and pleasure, and 

they enter into almost all the acts of life. 

There are many kinds of visits, but we shall con- 
fine ourselves to the principal ones ; as for those 
which only occur under peculiar circumstances, the 
reader will find them mentioned in the course of this 
work. The first are the visits on new year's day ; 
next, visits of friendship and of ceremony: we shall 
not speak of visits of business ; what we have said 
in speaking of propriety in relation to different pro- 
fessions, will dispense with our entering into new 
details. 

At the return of each new year, custom and duty 
require us to present ourselves to our relations first ; 
afterwards to our patrons, our friends, and those who 
have done any kindness for us. 

These visits are divided into several classes ; 
those of the evening or afternoon, which are the 



60 GENTLEMAN AND LiDY's 

most polite ; of the morning, which are the most 
friendly and respectful; by cards, and presenting 
one's-self, and by cards without presenting one's- 
self ; visits weekly, which are confined to acquaint- 
ances with whom we have not very close relations ; 
monthly, which are less ceremonious, but how- 
ever partake of coldness : it is at Paris more than 
any other place, that these visits are permitted ; 
such calls demand much attention to the toilet ; they 
should be as short as possible ; a visit of quarter of 
an hour is long enough, and we should be careful to 
retire when other persons come in. 

We should appear ridiculous to wish persons a 
happy new year, in ceremonious visits. 

I shall not mention friendly calls, except to re- 
mind my readers, that almost all ceremony should 
be dispensed with. They are made at all hours, 
without preparation, without dressing ; a too bril- 
liant attire would be out of place, and if the engage- 
ments of the day carry you in such a costume at the 
house of a friend, you ought obligingly to make an 
explanation. If you do not find them at home, do 
not leave a card ; such useless ceremony would as- 
tonish your friends. Merely remind the domestics 
to mention your calling, and do not leave your card, 
except the servants are absent ; then the card should 
be rolled up, and put in the key-hole. It will be well 
to call again soon. 



BOOK OF POLrWENESS. 61 

With a friend, or relation whom we treat as such, 
we do not keep an account of our visits. The one 
who has most leisure, calls upon him who has the 
least ; but this privilege ought not to be abused : it 
is necessary to make our visits of friendship at suit- 
able times. 

On the contrary, a visit of ceremony should never 
be made without keeping an account of it, and we 
should even remember the intervals at which they 
are returned j for it is indispensably necessary to let 
a similar interval elapse. People in this way give 
you notice whether they wish to see you often or 
seldom. There are some persons whom one goes to 
see once in a month, others once a fortnight, &c. ; 
others, however, less frequently. In order not to 
omit visits, which are to be made, or to avoid making 
them from misinformation, when a preceding one 
has not been returned, persons who have an exten- 
sive acquaintance, will do well to keep a little mem- 
orandum for this purpose. 

We cannot make ceremonious visits in a becom- 
ing manner, if we have any slight indisposition which 
may for the time affect our appearance, our voice — 
which may embarrass our thoughts, and render 
our company fatiguing; such for instance as a 
swelled face, a cold, a slight headache ; in that case 
it would appear impolite and familiar. On the 
6 



62 GENTLEMAN AND LADv's 

contrary, make visits of friendship under such cir- 
cumstances, and then you will appear more amiable 
and zealous. 

To take a suitable time, is as indispensable in vis- 
iting, as in any thing else. 

One can attain this, by remembering the habits of 
the person he is going to see ; by making your ar- 
rangements so as not to call at the time of taking 
meals, in moments of occupation, and when our 
friends are walking. This time necessarily varies ; 
but as a general rule we must take care not to make 
ceremonious visits, either before the middle of the 
day, or after five o'clock. To do otherwise would, 
on the one hand, look like importunity, by presenting 
one's-self too early; and on the other, might interfere 
with arrangements that had been made for the even- 
ing. 

After making one's toilet with care, visiters should 
furnish themselves with cards, that is with small 
pieces of card or pasteboard, upon which their name 
is printed or well written. Gentlemen ought simply 
to put their cards in their pocket, but ladies may 
carry them in a small elegant portfolio, called a card 
case. This they can hold in their hand, and it will 
contribute essentially (with an elegant handkerchief 
of embroidered battise,) to give them an air of good 
taste. 






BOOK OF POLITENESS. 63 

We shall here make a digression in relation to 
cards. It was not considered impolite, formerly, to 
take the cards of a cast off pack, cut them crosswise 
into three parts, and write one's name upon them ; 
this, however, is now a subject of ridicule, and is 
only seen in provincial towns, where they some- 
times also substitute for these cards small pieces of 
thick paper. Next to these cards come those made 
of thin pasteboard, smooth, gilt-edged, watered, and 
intended to have the name in writing. These are 
suitable for young gentlemen and young ladies ; and 
they answer for half ceremonious visits. After these, 
come lithographic cards, then printed ones, and last 
those which are engraved. Some cards are figured 
in a rich manner, presenting every degree of expen- 
sive elegance. Every one will choose these accord- 
ing to his taste ; but it is w r ell to observe that cards 
ornamented with borders, and those of the color of 
the rose, and sky blue, are not suitable for men, nor 
for ladies of mature years, because they have an air 
of over-nicety. 

The title is usually placed under the name, and, 
in large cities, the address, at the bottom of the card 
and in smaller letters. Mourning cards are sur- 
mounted with a black margin, half mourning ones 
are of a blight gray. 

It is bad ton to keep the cards you have received 



64 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

around the frame of a looking glass ; such an expo- 
sure shows that you wish to make a display of the 
names of distinguished visiters. At the beginning of 
a new year, or when from some cause or other which 
multiplies visiters at your house, (such as a funeral 
or a marriage,) you are obliged to return these 
numerous calls, it is not amiss to preserve the cards 
in a convenient place, and save yourself the trouble 
of writing a list; but if, during the year, your glass 
is always seen bristling with smoke-dried cards, it 
will be attributed without doubt, to an ill-regulated 
self-esteem. But let us return to our visiters. 

If the call is made in a carriage, the servant will 
ask if the lady you wish to see is at home. If per- 
sons call in a hired carriage, or on foot, they go 
themselves to ask the servants. Servants are con- 
sidered as soldiers on duty; if they reply that the 
person has gone out, we should by no means urge 
the point, even if we were certain it was not the 
case; and if by chance we should see the person, 
we should appear not to have noticed it, but leave 
our card and retire. When the servant informs us 
that the lady or gentleman is unwell, engaged in 
business, or dining, we must act in a similar man- 
ner. 

We should leave as many cards as there are per- 
sons we wish to see in the house ; for example, one 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 65 

for the husband, another for his wife, another for 
the aunt, &c. When admitted, we should lay aside 
our over-shoes, umbrella, cloak, &c. in the ante- 
chamber, even ladies should lay aside their cloaks in 
the houses of distinguished persons. In the provin- 
cial towns they commonly keep them on. We then 
are announced by the servant, if it is the custom of 
the house, or at least we wait until (without announc- 
ing us.) he opens the door of the apartment. 

In case of the absence of the servants, you ought 
not to enter immediately, but knock gently with the 
finger, and wait until some one opens the door or 
bids you come in. If he does neither, you open the 
door slowly and softly: should you find no one, do 
not go about and open other doors, or pass into an 
inner room, but retrace your steps immediately, re- 
turn to the ante-room, and remain until some one 
comes to give ycu an introduction. If you are 
obliged to stay very long, you can leave your card on 
a piece of furniture or with the porter. This is a 
case of rare occurrence ; but it is well to provide for 
it, in order not to be taken unawares. When admit- 
ted, a gentleman presents himself with his hat in 
his hand, and advancing towards the lady, salutes 
her gracefully and respectfully. As soon as he ob- 
serves the lady is looking for a seat to offer him, he 
must lose no time in providing one for himself (com- 
6* 



66 GENTLEMAN AND LADy's 

monly a chair) this he places towards the door by 
which he entered, and at some distance from the 
lady, to whom he should leave the upper part of the 
room. He ought by no means to sit, except she is 
seated ; and holding his hat upon his knee must not 
balance himself or sink down in his chair, but pre- 
serve an easy, polite and becoming attitude. It would 
be familiar and bad ton to put down the hat or cane, 
before the gentleman, and particularly the lady of 
the house, has invited you to do it. Even then it is 
proper to refuse, and not to do it until asked two or 
three times. Tn putting down the hat, we should not 
do it carelessly, nor ought we to place it on a couch, 
for this is impolite. The couch, which in ancient 
times was regarded as a sanctuary, ought neither to 
be touched nor approached by a man. It is best to 
put the hat on a bracket or chandelier stand, &c. The 
lady of a house does not attempt to take the hats of 
gentlemen, except she wishes to treat them with fa- 
miliarity, and this is seldom done in calls of pure 
ceremony. 

These remarks will apply also to ladies. Within 
fifteen years past it has been their custom to lay aside 
their hats and shawls ; but that supposes an intima- 
cy, which would authorize their abstaining from it 
at the houses of those with whom they are not much 
acquainted ; and, if they are invited to lay them aside. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 67 

they should refuse. The short time devoted to a 
ceremonious visit, the necessity of consulting a glass 
in replacing the head-dress, and of being assisted in 
putting on the shawl, prevent ladies from accepting 
the invitation to lay them aside. If they are slight- 
ly familiar with the person they are visiting, and 
wish to be more at ease, they should ask permission, 
which we should grant them, at the same time rising 
to assist them in taking off their hat and shawl. An 
arm-chair, or a piece of furniture at a distant part of 
the room should receive these articles ; they should 
not be placed upon the couch, without the mistress 
of the house puts them there. At the house of a 
person we visit habitually, we can lay them aside 
without saying a word, and a lady can even adjust 
her hair and handkerchief, (fierier) before the glass, 
provided she occupies only a few moments in doing 
it. 

If the person you call upon is preparing to go out, 
or to sit down at table, you ought, although he asks 
you to remain, to retire as soon as possible. The 
person visited so unseasonably, should, on her part, 
be careful to conceal her knowledge that the other 
wishes the visit ended quickly. We should always 
appear delighted to receive a visiter, and should he 
make a short visit, we must express to him our re- 
gret. Ceremonious visits should be short ; if the 



68 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

conversation ceases without being again continued 
by the person you have come to see, if she gets up 
from her seat under any pretext whatever, custom 
requires you to make your salutation and withdraw. 

If, before this tacit invitation to retire, other visit- 
ers are announced, you should adroitly leave them 
without saying anything, In case the master of the 
house, in waiting upon you to the door, should ask 
you to remain longer, you should briefly reply to him, 
that an indispensable engagement calls you, and you 
must entreat him with earnestness not to detain you. 
You should terminate your visit by briskly shutting 
the door. 

If, on entering the room, you find strangers engag- 
ed in conversation, content yourself with the few 
words which the master or mistress of the house 
shall address to you ; stop only a few moments, 
make a general salutation, and conduct yourself as 
in the preceding case. When you have happened 
to meet the strangers elsewhere, they may unite 
sometimes with the person you are visiting, to pre- 
vent your taking leave ; reply in a polite and flatter- 
ing manner, but still persist in retiring. If while 
you are present, a letter is brought to the person you 
are visiting, and she should lay it down without 
opening it, you must entreat her to read it ; she will 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 69 

not do it, and this circumstance will warn you to 
shorten your visit. 

When you make a half ceremonious call, and the 
person you are visiting, insists upon your stopping, 
it is proper to do so, but after a few minutes you 
should rise to go : if you are urged still further, and 
are taken by the hands and made to sit down as it 
were by force, to leave immediately would be impo- 
lite, but nevertheless you must, after a short interval, 
get up a third time, and then certainly retire. If, 
during your call, a member of the family enters the 
room, you need not on this account take leave, but 
content yourself by rising, and saluting the person. 
If a lady, you must not seat yourself until she sits 
down; if a gentleman, you can yield to the invita- 
tion made you to take your seat, while the other re- 
mains standing. If you make a visit with others, 
there are some points to be observed in relation to 
your companions. In going up the staircase, it is 
rigorously the cuslom to give precedence to those to 
whom you owe respect, and to yield to such persons 
the most convenient part of the stairs, which is that 
next the wall Above all, do not forget this last cau- 
tion if you accompany a lady ; and a well-bred gen- 
tleman^ at such a time, should offer his arm. When 
there are many persons, he should bestow this mark 
of respect on the oldest. If you meet any one on 



70 GENTLEMAN AND LADl's 

the staircase, place yourself on the side opposite to 
the one he occupies. It would be vexatious and out 
of place to make an everlasting ceremony as to who 
should be announced first; the preference must be 
given to ladies ; next to them, to age and rank. The 
time of taking leave should be also determined by 
ladies, or by aged persons, and those who are of con- 
sequence. It would be impolite to wish to retire 
before they gave the signal. We should add, that it 
is unsuitable for more than three or four to visit to- 
gether. Persons of high ton are accompanied even 
to the ante-room by one or two servants, who receive 
them again when going out. 

To carry children or dogs with one on a visit of 
ceremony, is altogether vulgar and provincial. Even 
in half-ceremonious visits, it is necessary to leave 
one's dog in the ante-room, as w T ell as the nurse who 
holds the infant, for this circumstance alone excuses 
such a suite. As to animals, it is a thousand times 
better not to have them at all. 

We justly reproach inhabitants of the province 
for lavishing salutations in meeting people, or in 
taking leave of them. This custom, which may 
make us contract a reservedness or too much famil- 
iarity, is extremely ridiculous. Is it not difficult to 
keep one's countenance, when we see a visiter sa- 
lute every article of furniture, to turn and turn again 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 71 

twenty times as you conduct him, and pour forth at 
every pause a volley of salutations and adieus? Our 
readers will beware of this over politeness; they will 
salute the first time, at the moment they take leave, 
and again, when the person who conducts them back 
shall have stopped at the door. We have before said 
that when we do not find persons at home, or when 
we are afraid of disturbing them, we leave a card; 
but this is not what we call particularly visits by 
card (visites par cartes). In these last visits, it is not 
our object to see the persons, since we do not ask 
for them, and we confine ourselves to giving our 
card to the porter or domestic. This custom, which 
has been introduced necessarily among persons of 
very general acquaintance, and especially at times 
wmen every one ought to be visited, as on the new- 
year's day, — this custom so far is not ridiculous, but it 
becomes so by the great extent which has been given 
to it for some time past. This extent consists in 
making a visit without leaving our apartment; that 
is to say, merely by sending our card by a domes- 
tic, or indeed by means of an agency established 
for this purpose. The practice of visits by cards, 
seems to persons of good society the most imperti- 
nent and vulgar thing which can be imagined. Do 
not then permit it, except when the question is about 
returning visits made in this way ; and do not use 



7£ GENTLEMAN AND LADi's 

such retaliations, except to prevent these ill-advised 
visiters from thinking that you put yourself out to 
oblige them. 

In works devoted to the instruction of the laws of 
propriety, we think only of fortune and affluence ; 
we entirely forget people of a more modest condi- 
tion, and when we find ourselves in connexion w th 
them, we cry out against their impoliteness. It is 
an injustice, and in my opinion, a false calculation. 
An injustice, because true politeness pertains less to 
rank, than to uprightness and goodness of heart; a 
false calculation, for to refuse to initiate people into 
what renders the social relations easy and agreeable, 
is to prepare for ourselves collision and vexation, and 
to retard as much as is in our power, the practice of 
the forms of civilization. 

Despising then this foolish disdain, we shall ap- 
plaud the great care of persons not in affluence, who, 
having neither porter nor domestic, place at their 
door a slate furnished with a pencil, that in their 
absence visiters may write their names ; for these 
visiters are seldom such as carry cards. We shall 
applaud the benevolent care of persons whose stair- 
case is not lighted, or whose apartment is in the up- 
per stories, and who leave with the porter a candle 
which every one who arrives, takes, in order to as- 
cend, and returns it again on descending. If any of 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 73 

our rich readers should be tempted to smile at the 
announcement of these precautions of the more 
humble citizens, we would remind them that they are 
entirely strangers to the spirit of politeness, of which 
these precautions are a striking example. 

This digression naturally leads us to the second 
part of our task relative to visits, concerning the du- 
ties which politeness imposes as to receiving them, 
for it is not less important to receive people well, 
than to present ourselves well to them. 

Before passing to this important subject, it would 
seem my duty to finish what remains for me to say 
concerning visits, by the mention of visits of audi- 
ence, of congratulation, of condolence, and of repast ; 
but except the first, to which I am going to devote a 
few words, details of all the others will be found in 
the chapters devoted to conversation, to formalities 
of repasts, of mourning, &c. 

We should not merely call upon ministers, heads 
of the public administration, and very distinguished 
persons ; we must beforehand request of them by 
writing a place of meeting and must specify the 
object of our visit. We must call upon them at the 
appointed hour ; we must abstain from inquiring 
after their health, and observe strictly the obliga- 
tions of decorum. These visits, which are the acme 
of ceremony, ought necessarily to be very short. 
7 



74 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

We shall see, in the chapter on Epistolary Propri- 
ety, what titles are proper to be given to these im- 
portant personages. It is well to be furnished with 
a letter of admission, that in case of necessity we 
may show it to the servant. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 75 



CHAPTER III. 

Of the Manner of Receiving Visitors. 

To receive visitors with ease and elegance, and 
in such a manner that everything in you, and about 
you, shall partake of propriety and grace, to endeavor 
that people may always be satisfied when they leave 
you, and desirous to come again, — such are the obli- 
gations of the master, and especially of the mistress 
of a house. 

Everything in the house, ought, as far as possible, 
to offer English comfort, and French grace. Perfect 
order, exquisite neatness and elegance which easily 
dispenses with being sumptuous, ought to mark the 
entrance of the house, the furniture and the dress 
of the lady. 

In a house where affluence abounds, it is indis- 
pensable to have a drawing-room, for it is trouble- 
some and in bad ton to receive visits in a lodging- 
room, at one's own dwelling. This may indeed do 
for a mere call ; but it becomes almost ridiculous 
when, after dinner, it is necessary to pass into this 
room to take coffee, if you are receiving a small 
company, &c. This custom is not any longer 



/() GENTLEMAN AND LADY « 

adopted, except in the provincial towns and among 
persons who do not pride themselves on their good 
ton. 

To receive company in a dining-room, is not 
allowed except among those persons who cannot 
bear the expense of furnishing a parlour or drawing- 
room. Simplicity, admitted into an apartment of 
this kind, suited to the smallness of their means, we 
cannot but approve, while we regret nevertheless, 
the disagreeable things to which such a residence 
subjects them. But we have, in this respect, an 
express warning to make to people who give them- 
selves up to it unnecessarily, for it is altogether 
opposed to the received usages of good society to 
put yourselves in a situation which you cannot 
adorn, where you cannot place arm-chairs, a chim- 
ney-piece, a glass, a clock, and all things useful to 
persons who come to see you; where you are exposed 
to receiving twenty visits during dinner ; of seeing 
as many interruptions during the setting of your 
table, since it is impossible to spread the cloth while 
strangers remain : finally of making them witnesses 
of your domestic cares while removing the remains 
of a repast, the table-cloth, dishes, &c. 

Young mothers of families who wish to have with 
them their children, (troublesome guests, in a draw- 
ing-room, as every one knows,) think that they may 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 77 

remain in the dining-room, and have strangers 
conducted into an adjacent apartment. That this 
may not be inconvenient, it is necessary to observe 
three things ; first, that strangers be admitted into 
this apartment before seeing the mistress of the 
house, because they would not fail to create difficul- 
ties, by saying that they did not wish to disturb her ; 
second, that the apartment be constantly warmed in 
winter; third, that in summer it should be furnished 
precisely as an occupied chamber, for nothing is 
worse than to conduct people into a room which 
seems to be to let. 

Unless from absolute inability, you ought to light 
your staircase. iC the practices of good domestic 
economy regulated by the cares of civilization, were 
more generally extended, a staircase not lighted 
would not often be found. 

After having thus cast a rapid glance into the 
interior of the house, let us see in what manner it is 
necessary to receive visitors. 

When we see any one enter, whether announced 
or not, we rise immediately, advance toward them, 
request them to sit down, avoiding however the 
old form of, c Take the trouble to be seated.' If it is a 
young man, we offer him an arm-chair, or a stuffed 
one ; if an elderly man, we insist upon his accepting 
the arm-chair; if a lady, we beg her to be seated 
7* 



78 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

upon the ottoman. If the master of the house re- 
ceives the visitors, he will take a chair and place 
himself at a little distance from them : if, on the 
contrary, it is the mistress of the house, and if she 
is intimate with the lady who visits her, she will 
place herself near her. If several ladies come at a 
time, we give this last place to the one most distin- 
guished by rank. In winter, the most honorable 
places are those at the corner of the fire-place; in 
proportion as they place you in front of the fire, your 
seat is considered inferior in rank. Moreover, when 
it happens to be a respectable married lady, and one 
to whom we wish to do honor, we take her by the 
hand and conduct her to the corner of the fire-place. 
If this place is occupied by a young lady, she ought 
to rise and oifer her seat to the other lady, taking 
for herself a chair in the middle of the circle. 

A mistress of a house ought to watch anxiously 
that they experience no restraint before her ; conse- 
quently > she will take care to present screens to the 
ladies seated in front of the fire ; she will move 
under their feet tabourets, or what is better, pads, 
fcoussins) but never foot-stoves. If she is alone 
with an intimate acquaintance, she will request her 
to take her's, but she will never extend this polite- 
ness to a gentleman. 

If a door or window happens to be open in the 



EOOK OF VOLITENESS. 79 

room in summer time, we should ask of visitors, if 
it incommodes them. 

Tf a lady who receives a half ceremonious visit is 
sewing, she ought to leave off immediately, and not 
resume it except at the request of the visitor. If 
they are on quite intimate terms, she ought herself 
to request permission to continue. If a person visits 
in an entirely ceremonious way, it would be very 
impolite to work even an instant. Moreover, even 
with friends, we should hardly be occupied with our 
work, but should seem to forget it on their account. 

In proportion as the visitor is a stranger, the mas- 
ter or mistress of the house rises, and any persons 
who may be already there are obliged to do the same. 
Some of them then withdraw; in this case, if the mas- 
ter and the mistress of the house have with them any 
persons of their family, after having conducted as far 
as the door those who are going, they request one of 
their relations to take their place. If the case be 
otherwise, it is necessary to choose between the per- 
sons who remain and those who retire. If the latter 
are superior in rank, age or consideration, we must 
give them the preference, and vice versa. But how- 
ever respectable the person be who departs, we may 
dispense with conducting them farther than the door 
of the room. 

The manner in which we should usually re-con- 



80 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

duct visitors is regulated in an invariable manner. 
If it is a lady who is to be accompanied, the master 
of the house takes her hand, passes it under his arm, 
and thus leads her as far as the bottom of the stair- 
case, unless the steps be so narrow that two cannot 
go abreast. It is no longer the custom to give the 
hand to ladies, but to offer them the arm. This new 
custom does not at all change the ancient rule of 
propriety which requires that in descending a stair- 
case, we should give the side next the wall to the 
lady whom we accompany ; we commonly present 
to her the right arm, provided however, that neces- 
sity does not oblige us, in order to avoid placing her 
next the balustrade, to offer the left. If she is tore- 
turn in a carriage, we should politely hand her into 
it. 

In the provincial towns, they conduct all or almost 
all visitors, as far as the street door, unless they are 
gentlemen and have visited a lady. She ought then 
to accompany them, as is always done in Paris, that 
is to say, as far as the door of the room, or the head 
of the stairs. Parisians add to this custom an agree- 
able civility ; they hold the door open, and standing 
upon the threshold or edge of the staircase, follow 
with their eyes the visitor until he turns round to 
make the last salutation or adieu, or to request the 
host to return. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 81 

We no longer practice that frank and open hospi- 
tality of the provinces, by virtue of which, in the mid- 
dle of winter, we request people to refresh themselves 
with some solid eatables. Such a proposal would 
now excite a smile. We do not make any such offer 
to visitors, but under these circumstances. First, 
during Yery hot weather, we invite them to take a 
glass of syrup, or of iced water. Second, if any one 
is reading, we offer him eau sucrde, that is, the 
little household article to which we have given that 
name. Third, we offer orange-flower water to a lady 
who happens to be suddenly indisposed. Excepting 
these cases, we make no offer of this kind. If any 
one wishes to refresh himself, he requests the mis- 
tress of the house to allow him to ring the bell. After 
assent is given, he asks of the domestic who comes, 
whatever he desires. 



62 GKNTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



CHAPTER IV. 



Of the Carriage of the Body. 

The carriage of the body seems so simple, so com- 
mon, and so easy a thing, that undoubtedly on see- 
ing this title, many readers will think I design to 
send them back to puerile and plain civility. But if 
they will take the pains to reflect upon the number- 
less violations of propriety in the carriage of the 
body, of which they are daily witnesses; if they will 
call to the mind the many strange motions, ridiculous 
gestures, pretending attitudes, affected looks, and , 
clownish movements ; if they ill recollect that the 
carriage of the body ought to be in perfect harmony 
with the situation, age, mind and sex, and a dis- 
tinguishing trait of the physiognomy; if they will 
consider the unfavorable prejudices to which a dis- 
dainful, immodest, or vulgar deportment give rise, 
they will understand my anxiety in this respect. 

It is without doubt impossible to notice all faults 
in the carriage of the body. This volume would not 
be sufficient for it ; we must be satisfied therefore 
with designating the principal ones. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 83 

To look steadily at any one, especially if you are 
a lady and are speaking to a gentleman ; to turn the 
head frequently on one side and the other during 
conversation ; to balance yourself upon your chair ; 
to bend forward ; to strike your hands upon your 
knees ; to hold one of your knees between your 
hands locked together ; to cross your legs : to extend 
your feet on the andirons ; to admire yourself with 
complacency in a glass ; to adjust in an affected man- 
ner y^ cravat, hair, dress , or handkerchief ; to re- 
in without gloves ; to fold carefully your shawl, 
instead of throwing it with graceful negligence upon 
a table, &c. ; to fret about a hat which you have just 
left off; to laugh immoderately ; to place your hand 
upon the person with whom you are conversing ; to 
take him by the buttons, the collar of his coat, the 
cuffs, the waist, &c; to seize ladies by the waist, or 
to touch their person; to roll the eyes, or to raise 
them with affectation ; to take snuff from the box of 
your neighbor, or to offer it to strangers, especially 
to ladies ; to play continually with the seals of your 
watch, a chain, or a fan ; to beat time with the feet 
and hands ; to whirl round a chair on one leg ; to 
shake with your feet the chair of your neighbor; to 
stroke your face ; rub your hands continually ; wink 
your eyes ; shrug up your shoulders; stamp with 
your feet, &c; — all these bad habits, of which we 



84 GENTLEMAN AND LADY's 

ought never to speak to people, among those who 
are witnesses of them, and are in the highest degree 
displeasing. 

The carriage of the body is as expressive as the 
tone of voice, and perhaps more so, because it is 
more constant; it betrays to the observer all the 
shades of character, and we ought to be very careful 
of thus making a general confession, by affected 
manners, a pretending deportment, sneering ways, 
rough movements, a hard countenance, impertinent 
signs and looks, simpering smiles, clownish gestures, 
a nonchalant and effeminate posture, or a carriage of 
the body distinguished by prudery and stiffness. 

Young ladies, and very young men little habitua- 
ted to the world, ought to be on their guard against 
excessive timidity, for it not only paralyzes their 
powers, renders them awkward, and gives them an 
almost silly air, but it may even cause them to be 
accused of pride, among people who do not know 
that embarrassment frequently takes the form of su- 
perciliousness. How often does it happen that timid 
persons do not salute you at all, answer in a 
low voice, or very ill, omit a thousand little duties 
of society, and fail in a numberless agreeable atten- 
tions, for want of courage ? These attentions, and 
these duties, they discharge in petto, but who will 
thank them for it ? A proper degree of confidence, 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 85 

but not degenerating into assurance, still less into 
boldness or familiarity, is then one of the. most de- 
sirable qualities in the world. To obtain which, we 
must observe the ton, and the manners of polite and 
benevolent people, take them for our guides, and, 
under their direction, make continual efforts to con- 
quer our timidity. 

Propriety in the carriage of the body is especially 
indispensable to ladies. It is by this that, in a walk, 
a ball, or any assembly, people who cannot converse 
with them, judge of their merit and their good edu- 
cation. How many dancers move off, and how many 
persons sigh with pity, at the sight of a beautiful 
woman who has a mincing way, affects grace, in- 
clines her head affectedly, and who seems to admire 
herself incessantly, and to invite others to admire 
her also. Who ever makes up his mind to enter into 
conversation with an immovable lady, and one who 
is formal and precise, lengthening out the body, 
pressing the lips, and carrying back the elbows as 
if they were fastened to her side? 

The gait of a lady ought neither to be too quick 
nor too slow ; the most easy and most convenient step 
is that which fatigues the least and pleases most. 
The body and the head should be erect without af- 
fectation and without haughtiness ; the movements, 



86 GEATLEMAN AN!) LADY's 

especially those of the arms, easy and natural. The 
countenance should be pleasant and modest. 

It is not in good ton for a lady to speak too quick 
or too loud. When seated, she ought neither to 
cross her legs, nor take a vulgar attitude. She 
should occupy her chair entirely, and appear neither 
too restless, nor too immovable, tt is altogether 
out of place for her to throw her drapery around her 
in sitttng down, or to spread out her dress for dis- 
play, as upstarts do in order to avoid the least rum- 
ple. 

But what is especially insupportable in this sex is, 
an inquiet, bold, and imperious air ; for it is unnatu- 
ral, and not allowable in any case. If a lady has 
cares, let her conceal them from the world, or not 
go into it Whatever be her merit, let her not for- 
get that she may be a man by the superiority of her 
mind and decision of character, but that external- 
ly she ought to be a woman ! She ought to present 
herself as a being made to please, to love, and to 
seek a support 3 a being inferior to man, and near to 
angels. An affectionate, complying, and almost 
timid aspect, a tender solicitude for those who are 
about her, should be shown in her whole person. 
Her face should breathe hope, gentleness and satis- 
faction ; dejection, anxiety, and ill-humor should be 
constantly banished. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 



87 



Before leaving a subject so fruitful, I shall point 
out to my readers two examples of a bad position. 
The one is a fashionable with his head stiff, a borrow- 
ed air, his leg strained out, trembling lest he should 
disarrange the symmetry of his cravat, and lest he 
should pucker his pantaloons, his sleeve or the col- 
lar of his coat. 

The other is an awkward person, with his feet 
drawn together and placed upon the round of the 
chair, his hands spread out upon his knees, his shoul- 
ders sunk, and his mouth half open. Between these 
two caricatures there are many degrees which are 
ridiculous, but which we leave to the sagacity of our 
readers to appreciate. We come now to our instruc- 
tions in respect to conversation. They are so im- 
portant, that we think it our duty to divide them 
into two parts, namely ; physical proprieties, and 
moral proprieties. 



88 GENTLEMAN AND LADY's 



CHAPTER V. 

Of Physical Proprieties in Conversation. 

This first division will comprehend the physical 
care of the organs we use in conversation, our move- 
ments, the manner of listening, pronunciation, and 
purity of speech in a grammatical view. 

SECTION I. 

Physical Observances in Conversation. 

Conversation is the principal, not to say the only 
means of pleasing, and making our way in the world. 
How does it happen then, that so many persons con- 
verse, without being troubled at the ridicule thrown 
upon themselves, and the ennui they occasion their 
hearers ; without going into the inquiry, whether 
they have not some physical qualities which present 
more or less obstacles to the art of conversing well, 
or without thinking of the means of correcting them ! 

We shall point out some faults and the means of 
remedying them. It is essential in speaking, to be 



BOOK OF POLITKNESS. 89 

well on our guard not to protrude the tongue too 
near the edge of the lips. This bad habit has many- 
great inconveniences : it occasions a kind of disagree- 
able hissing, produced by the immediate contact of 
this organ as it passes the teeth ; and exposes us to 
throw out saliva.* When an unfortunate habit or 
too great a development of the tongue produces these 
accidents, we should take care to keep this unlucky 
organ out of the way on one side of the gums or 
the other. As to the fault which is opposite to this, 
that is, stammering, by reason of too small size of 
the tongue, we should practice when we are alone 
speaking distinctly. To declaim and to exercise 
ourselves upon the words which present the greatest 
difficulties, is a useful exercise. 

There are some persons in whom the saliva is so 
abundant, that it makes their pronunciation thick; 
such persons should accustom themselves to swallow 
it before beginning to speak. 

Politeness in accordance with health, requires that 
our teeth should be perfectly clean. A yellow and 
foul set of teeth, which emit an odor, will not suffer 
any one to be sensible to our grace or the eloquence 
of our language. Feelings of disgust are without 
appeal. 

* When this accident happens to any one, you must 
appear not to perceive it. 

8* 



90 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

Some persons who have fine teeth, have the la- 
mentable fault of showing them in speaking; this ri- 
diculous vanity excites laughter, and besides, injures 
the physiognomy : it is not necessary to conceal the 
teeth to the utmost, but always without affectation. 
To use a tooth-pick while speaking, to carry the fin- 
gers to the gums, to hold a flower between the teeth, 
are habits of bad ton. 

To open the mouth widely when one speaks, es- 
pecially when making an exclamation of wonder 
or surprise ; to draw the mouth on one side to give 
ourselves the air of an original ; to contract it, in 
order to make it small ; to laugh violently in an un- 
meaning and boisterous manner ; to impart to the 
lips, trembling and convulsive motions when any 
one relates or reads something sad or terrible ; to 
force our breath into the face of the person we are 
conversing with — all these are shocking faults, and 
insupportable grimaces. 

SECTION II. 

Of Gestures. 

To act a pantomine with every word, cannot be 
tolerated ; extended or numerous gestures, which do 
not accord with the conversation; mysterious signs 
accompanying the announcement of the most simple 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 91 

thing; abrupt gestures, in friendly conversation; 
mincing gestures, in serious conversation ; rapid 
movements of the person, sitting or standing, and 
who seems to be performing a sort of a dance — 
all these are equally great faults against propriety 
and good taste. 

We should not absolutely condemn gestures, 
which, according to the Abbe Delille, give physiog- 
nomy to our conversation. Moderate action corres- 
ponding to our words, and by turns a little comic, 
lively, and graceful, are allowable, and even indis- 
pensable. The left hand must not move, but a sig- 
nificant and exact co-operation of the right hand, 
should never be wanting in conversation : but I must 
censure dialogists, who put their hand into their pock- 
ets or work-bags, who always rest them joined or 
crossed, without making any gesture. Such persons 
give themselves the air of automatons, while, on 
the other hand, excessive gesticulators, have the 
appearance of madmen. 

Those persons who in conversing, violently seize 
hold of the arm of their chair ; play with little objects 
which come under their hands ; who amuse them- 
selves by scratching or defacing furniture, turning 
their hat backwards and forwards, twisting and un- 
twisting the strings of their bag, or the ends of their 
cravat ; are, without doubt, ignorant how much op- 



92 GENTLEMAN AND LADY's 

posed to politeness, are these degrees of familiar- 
ity, childishness and embarrassment. I will briefly 
add, that those who are witnesses of all these ridicu- 
lous actions, ought never to notice them, unless they 
wish to be still more ridiculous themselves. 



SECTION III. 

Of the Talent of Listening to Others. 

To converse, is not to talk continually, as prattlers 
suppose ; it is to listen and speak in our turn; we 
mast not acquit ourselves the less well in the one 
than in the other. To do this, we should attend half 
of the time to the person who is addressing us, (on 
this account it is impolite to do any work while talk- 
ing ;) if they hesitate or are embarrassed, you should 
appear not to notice it, and in case you are a little 
acquainted, after a few moments, you should, in a 
very modest manner, supply the word which seems 
to have escaped them. If they are interrupted by 
any incident, when the cause of the interruption shall 
have ceased, you will not wait until they resume the 
conversation, but with a smile of benevolence, and 
an engaging gesture, request them to proceed ; please 
to continue ; you were just saying ? — If we are obliged 
in this manner, to palliate any such interruption, 
much more, ought we never to allow ourselves to be 



BOOK OF rOLITEIfESS. 93 

the cause of it. This is so rigorous a rule, that if, in 
the warmth of conversation, two persons commence 
speaking at once, both ought to stop immediately, 
when they perceive it, and each, while excusing 
themselves, to decline proceeding. It is proper for 
the one worthy of the most respect to resume the 
conversation. 

If a person shall relate anything to you, who, 
without having any pleasantry, makes attempts at it; 
and without being affecting, endeavors to move 
you, however wearied you may he, appear pleased 
and assume an air of interest. If the narrator 
wanders into long digressions, have patience to let 
him extricate himself alone from the labyrinth of his 
story. If the history is interminable, be resigned, 
and do not appear less attentive. This condescen- 
sion is especially to be observed, if you are listening 
to an elderly or respectable person. If the merciless 
story-teller is your equal or friend, you may say to 
him, in order to induce him to finish his narration, 
and finally — 

Novices in the customs of the world, think they 
can abruptly interrupt a conversation which is begun, 
by asking to have some incidents, which they have 
not understood, explained, or by making the person 
who is telling the story repeat the names : this 
should not be done until after some consideration, 



94 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

and in the most polite manner. If the narrator pro- 
nounces badly ; if you see that other hearers are in 
the same situation as yourself; if you foresee that 
for want of having followed him in his narration, 
you will not be able to reply with politeness, you 
can in this case, interrupt; but in some such man- 
ner as this ; / ask your pardon, Sir, I fear I have tost 
some part of your interesting conversation, will you be 
kind enough to repeat it, &c. It is necessary also, 
to choose a favorable moment, as for instance, when 
the narrator pauses, hesitates for a word, or stops to 
take his handkerchief. 

When a person relates to you a plain falsehood, 
the art of listening becomes embarrassing, for if you 
seem to believe it, you would pass for a fool, and if 
you appear to doubt it, you will pass for an uncivil 
person. An air of coldness, a slight attention, an 
expression like the following, That is astonishing, 
will extricate you honorably from your embarrass- 
ment; but when an event is narrated which is only 
extraordinary, or not improbable, your manner should 
be otherwise. Your countenance should express as- 
tonishment, and you should reply by a phrase of this 
kind ; If I did not knoio your strict regard for the 
truth, or if any person but you had told me this, I 
should have hardly believed it. Under no circum- 
stances should you interrupt him. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 95 

It happens sometimes that you foresee some inci- 
dent in an interesting story ; and the pleasure that 
you find in this; the desire of showing that you have 
guessed correctly, and the intention of proving how 
much you are interested, induce you to interrupt sud- 
denly in this manner, I see it, it is so, exactly. An in- 
terruption of this kind, although well meant and nat- 
ural, will offend old persons, who like to tell a story 
at full length, and will confound formal narrators, 
who will be in despair that a phrase is taken from 
them which they had intended for effect; these inter- 
ruptions are only allowable among our intimate 
friends, or inferiors, for otherwise you will have an 
ill-humored answer to your J see it, &c. as with a 
triumphant air, egad, but you cant see it, &c. which 
is always embarrassing. 

The worst kind of interruption of all others, is that 
which hauteur dictates. A clever person seizing 
hold of a story which another is telling, and with the 
intention of making it more lively, becomes, not- 
withstanding his eloquence, a model of impertinence 
and vulgarity. 

It is, doubtless, hard to see a fool spoil a good an- 
ecdote, of which he might have made something in- 
teresting; but if we should not be restrained by po- 
liteness from expressing our feelings, we ought to 
be by interest. Now hearers of delicacy will remain 



96 GENTLEMAN AND LADy's 

silent to the conclusion of the recital, and will ad- 
dress themselves with good feelings to the poor nar- 
rator who is injured in his rights. 

Interruption is pardonable if it is made to prove 
or clear up a fact in favor of a person who is absent. 
When the}' accuse you, you can, according to strict 
rules, interrupt by an exclamation, but it is better to 
do it by a gesture. 

There is often much art and grace in listening, 
while you gesticulate gently ; for example, by count- 
ing upon the ringers ; by making a gesture of sur- 
prise ; by a motion of assent, or an exclamation. 
This is a tacit manner of saying, ah, I recollect, you 
are right, and charms the narrator without interrupt- 
ing him. 

In a lively, animated and friendly dialogue, we 
can interrupt each other by turns, in order to finish 
a sentence which is begun, or to improve an epithet; 
this contributes to vivacity in discourse, but it ought 
not, however, to be too often repeated. 

There are many shoals to be avoided in listening, 
and which always betray inexperience in society. 
To say from time to time to the narrator, Yes, yes, 
by nodding the head, making motions with the hand, 
a custom of old persons, and which is a good repre- 
sentation of a pendulum; to keep the eyes fixed and 
the mouth gaping open; to have an air of an absent 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 97 

person or of one in a reverie j to point the finger at 
persons designated by the narrator ; to gape without 
concealing by the hand or the handkerchief, which 
is by no means flattering to the speaker ; to cast your 
eye frequently towards the clock — all these habits 
are offences against good ton. 

SECTION IV. 
Of Pronunciation. 

Pronunciation is still more indispensable in con- 
versation than elocution ; for indeed before selecting 
our expressions, we must make them understood, 
and one can do this but imperfectly if he pronounces 
badly. From this fault arise forced repetitions, the 
loss of what is appropriate, fatigue, disgust, the im- 
patience of the two persons speaking, and in fine, all 
the sad results of deafness. Should we not use every 
effort to rid ourselves of this ? 

The first, the greatest impediment to pronouncing 
well, is volubility. By speaking too fast, we speak 
confusedly, and utter inarticulate and unintelligi- 
ble sounds, and this, without dispute, is of all the 
faults in pronunciation, the most insupportable. We 
know very well, that to speak too slowly, and as 
they say, to listen to our own words, is a caprice 
which seems to denote pride or nonchalance ; and 
9 



3S GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

that in certain cases it is necessary to speak quickly ; 
but we ought never to speak precipitately, even on 
subjects which require us to be brief. Besides the 
physical inconvenience, indistinctness has other 
moral inconveniences : it supposes heedlessness, 
loquacity, or foolishness. 

Next comes hesitancy, which is little less trouble- 
some, for it fills the conversation with ridiculous and 
painful efforts. This defect which is sometimes 
owing to the organization, happens still more fre- 
quently from neglecting to think before we speak, 
from timidity, from some lively emotion which 
obliges us to stammer, or from a formal anxiety to 
make use of select terms. This last motive is almost 
an excess. "With the intention of pleasing persons, 
you weary them by repetitions, by far-fetched minc- 
ing words, and in order to appear clever, you render 
yourself excessively annoying. 

The habits acquired in childhood and in small towns, 
and a provincial accent, are frequently obstacles to 
good pronunciation ; let us instance some examples 
of this. It is not uncommon to hear, even among 
those who are considered as correct speakers, in 
general, such a misuse of words as the following : 
Me for /, Miss for Mrs. set for sit, sat out for set out, 
expect, (of a passed event ;) lay for lie, shew for show- 
ed, would for should, had nt ought for ought not, &c. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 99 

As to accent, each province has its peculiarities. 
To discover it, to shun it, and to modify it by an op- 
5 posite effort, are the means of avoiding these shoals ; 
■ but however ridiculous we may appear in running 
: upon them continually, we are a hundred times less 
so than those people who, like true pedagogues, stop 
. you in the midst of an affecting recital, to repeat 
[ with a sardonic smile, a vulgar phrase, a word badly 
j pronounced, or a wrong accent which happens to 
. escape you. 

Not only among persons of good society, should 
ij we condemn pedantry in pronunciation, but we 
i ought, moreover, with Rousseau, to blame over-nice- 
j ty of pronunciation or purism. He could not tole- 
rate (and many others like him,) those people so 
, particular in sounding every letter of a word.* 

Besides a general accent, there is also a particular 
accent, which gives a shade to the words, when we 
express a sentiment. We feel all its delicacy and 
, its charm, but we feel also that it ought to be in 
; perfect harmony with the language ; that it ought 
.to be free from all affectation, and all exaggeration. 
jjTo utter hard things in a tone of mildness; to dis- 

* The examples in the original, are the final letters of 
the words, tabac, sang, estomac. In English, some per- 
sons are as scrupulous in the distinct pronunciation of 
every letter in such words as extra-ordinary, Wednes- 
day, «fec. T. 



100 GENTLEMAN AND LADYS 

play in a humble voice proud pretensions ; to open 
a political discussion in a caressing tone ', to recount 
an affair of pleasantry with a melancholy accent, — is 
ridiculous in the highest degree. It is no less so, to 
force the accent, to pervert it into irony ; or to in- 
troduce into discourse, a sort of declamation or 
tone. 

We cannot judge by the accent of a person who 
speaks too high or too low, but we decide, in the 
first case, that he is vulgar, and in the second, that 
he is disdainful. 

SECTION V. 

Of Correctness in Speaking. 
i Surtout quen vos dlscours la langue r6v6r£e.' 

In addressing this advice to readers, we shall be- 
ware of considering them as strangers to the rules of 
grammar ; it is so shameful at the present day to be 
ignorant of one's own language, that it would not 
be less so, to suspect others of not knowing it ; but 
although we may not be deprived of this indispensa- 
ble knowledge, it is still necessary carefully to be- 
ware of contracting bad habits in language ; of using 
bad phrases, and even of using terms of which we 
know not the import ; a little study and attention 
will afford a certain remedy to the embarrassment 
which we might experience. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 101 

Young people cannot too much guard against 
these faults, which show an education that has been 
little attended to. They will arrive at it by study- 
ing a good grammarian, and by paying attention to 
the sense of their words. 

If, in the silence of the study, we have much 
trouble in rendering correctly a long sentence, how 
must it be in the world, when the earnestness of 
conversation prevents us from reflecting ? To make 
long phrases, is to be willing to make mistakes in 
language ; and if we take time to present these in- 
terminable sentences in a correct form, we only ap- 
pear the more clumsy, or the more pretending, for 
conversation ought never to seem labored, and the 
expression and the thoughts ought to be of a simul- 
taneous casting. 

Avoid the pronouns who, which, particularly when 
they are interrogatives ; for although the grammar 
does not absolutely condemn their frequency, yet as 
it is useless and disagreeable to the ear, we should 
endeavor to avoid it. Thus, instead of who is it who 
did such a thing ? — what is this thing that is here ? say, 
who did such a thing ? — what is this thing t 

Persons who are careful of their conversation, 
avoid, as faults of language, expressions which cer- 
tainly do not deserve this title, but which injure the 
clearness, elegance, and harmony of conversation. 
9* 



102 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

Thus they will abstain from uniting those words 
which, being in conflict as to their meaning and 
pronunciation, make an ambiguity, except when 
written. They carefully beware of accumulating 
synonymes and epithets profusely, or at least, of 
forgetting with regard to these last, the laws of gra- 
dation; of multiplying adverbs, which burden and 
weaken discourse ; they pay great attention to the 
requirements of euphony, and, in order to this, avoid 
bringing near to each other, words of similar sound, 
and of repeating similar words even of the same 
meaning, such as at present ice offer a present, it does 
a good deal of good. 

These scrupulous and privileged talkers are par- 
ticularly careful of the connecting particles, for they 
know how much their omission injures euphony ; 
how it causes persons who ara little charitable, to 
believe that it is a covering, under which are adroitly 
concealed doubt or ignorance, and thisopinion is not 
always a prejudice. 

I had forgotten to say that our skilful talkers en- 
deavor not to furnish, by fortuitous coincidences of 
words, opportunities for puns ; that in the mode of 
their conversation, they avoid rhymes so unfortu- 
nate and even ridiculous in prose ; that they dread 
repetitions of phrases, and axioms, as the repetitions 
of words; that by short and judicious pauses, they 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 103 

mark the punctuation in the spoken as in the writ- 
ten language; finally, that they endeavor to render 
their conversation clear, correct and elegant ; but 
these talking-models would be in less danger of de- 
feating their object, if they had less of the precise 
air of a pedagogue. So far from this, if a grammat- 
ical error escapes them, they quickly correct it, 
but with ease and gaiety. If they hear a gross gram- 
matical error, they do not allow themselves even a 
smile, or a look which could indicate their feeling, 
or trouble the one guilty of the error. 



104 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



CHAPTER VI. 

Of the Moral Observances in Conversation. 

Goodness, moderation and decorum — these are the 
motto and the soul of moral propriety in conver- 
sation. 

A solicitude to be always agreeable and obliging ; 
of observing a proper medium in everything; of 
respecting the rights of others, even in tne most tri- 
fling things; susceptibility for every thing which is 
connected with delicacy, piety, and modesty — all 
these qualities which belong to politeness, are in- 
cluded in these expressive words ; goodness, modera- 
tion, decorum. 

SECTION I. 

Of Formal and Vulgar Usages. 

In the first rank of customary formalities, we place 
those concerning information about the health. We 
shall, necessarily, have little to say on this head ; 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 105 

there are, however, some little rules which are not 
to be neglected. 

It is proper to vary the phraselogy of these formal 
questions, as much as possible ; and we must abstain 
from them entirely, towards a superior, or a person 
with whom we are but little acquainted, for such 
inquiries presuppose some degree of intimacy. In 
the last case, there is a method of manifesting our 
interest, without violating etiquette ; it consists in 
making these inquiries of the domestics, or of other 
persons of the house, and of saying afterwards when 
introduced ; ' I am happy Sir, to hear that you are 
in good health.' 

Custom forbids a lady to make these inquiries of a 
gentleman, unless he is ill or very aged. To put a 
corrective upon this mark of regard, a lady who ad- 
dresses a gentleman, should be earnest in her inqui- 
ries of the health of his family, however little inti- 
macy she may have with them. Many persons ask 
this question mechanically, without waiting for the 
answer, or else hasten to reply, before they have re- 
ceived it. This is in bad ton. Inquiries about the 
health, it is true, are frequently unimportant, but 
they should appear to be dictated by attention and 
kindness. We must not however be deceived, but 
be careful not to mention a slight indisposition to 



106 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

persons who are strangers to us, because their inter- 
est can be only formal. 

After we are informed of the health of the person 
we are visiting, it is proper to inquire of them in re- 
lation to the health of their families; but it would 
be wearisome to them, to make a long enumeration of 
the members who compose the family. We can put 
a general question, designating the most important 
members. In case of the absence of near relations, 
we ask the person we are visiting, if they have heard 
from them lately, if the news is favorable. They, 
on their part, ask the same of us. 

When you are not on visits of great ceremony, at 
the time of taking leave, you are commonly desired 
to give the compliments and salutations of the per- 
sons you are visiting to those with whom you live, 
then you should reply briefly, but give them assur- 
ances of your regard, and thank them. 

Politeness infuses into visits of some little cere- 
mony, a coloring of modesty, grace, and deference, 
w T hich should be preserved with the greatest care. 

In speaking, it is always proper to give the name 
of Sir, Madam, or Miss, and if the sentence is 
somewhat long, the title ought to be repeated. If 
the question is with regard to answering in the affir- 
mative or negative, we ought never to say roughly 
yes or no. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 107 

If the person addressed has a title, or that which 
he has from his profession, we should give it him, as 
Count, Doctor, &c. in case we meet with many 
persons of the same profession, we can then distin- 
guish them, adding their name to the title. 

A lady will not say, my husband, except among 
intimates; in every other case, she should address 
him by his name, calling him Mr. It is equally good 
ton that except on occasions of ceremony, and while 
she is quite young, to designate him by his christian 
name. 

But when one speaks to a gentleman of the lady 
to whom he is married, he should not say your wife, 
unless he is intimately acquainted, but Mrs. such-a- 
cme, is the most proper. The rules of politeness in 
this respect, are the same in speaking of the hus- 
band. 

When we speak of ourself and another person, 
whether he is absent or present, propriety requires 
us to mention ourselves last. Thus we should say 
he and I, you and 1. 

When you relate a personal occurrence, the cir- 
cumstances connected with which are honorable to 
yourself, and a distinguished person had also a share 
in the honor, you should only mention him, and in- 
stead of the plural form, ice resolved, we did such a 
thing, you should forget yourself, and say, Mr. JV*. 



108 GENTLEMAN AND Lady's 

resolved, or did such a thing so and so. Delicacy will 
dictate this degree of modesty to you, and your su- 
perior in his turn will proclaim at his own expense, 
your merit on the occasion. 

We know that the word false is not to be found in 
the dictionary of politeness, and that when we 
are obliged to deny the assertion of any one, we 
employ apologetical forms. The most proper ones 
are such as the following : / may be mistaken, I am 
undoubtedly mistaken, but, . . . Be so good as to excuse 
my mistake, but it seems to me, . . . I ask 'pardon, but I 
thought, &c. Those persons are but ill-bred, who 
think to soften down a denial merely by expressions 
of doubt. They say, if what you advance is true, if 
what madam says is positive, &c. With these forms, 
they think they comply with the rules of politeness. 
It is incivility with affectation. 

However persons may say invidiously that forms 
avail much in the world, I agree with them, but in 
quite another sense. 

We should never ask a thing of any one without 
saying, will you have the goodness, icill you do me the 
favor, will you be so good, &c. 

In a circle, we should not pass before a lady ; and 
should never present any thing by extending the 
arm over her, but we pass round behind, and pre- 
sent it. In case we cannot do it, we say , / ask your 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 109 

'pardon. &c, To a question which we do not fully 
comprehend, we never answer, Ha? JVhat? but, Be 
so good as* &c. Pardon me, 1 did not understand. 

Never refuse with disdain a pinch of snuff, and 
rather than disoblige people, take one, even if you 
throw it away, after having pretended to take it. 
Beware of presenting to ladies, in balls or assem- 
blies, a box of sweet things, under penalty of having 
the air of a caricature. 

If you strike against any one in the least, ask par- 
don for it immediately. The other should at the 
same time answer you, It is nothing, nothing at all, 
&c, even if the blow should have been violent. 

It is customary to employ the [ew moments of a 
visit of mere politeness, in looking at the portraits 
which adorn the fireplace, and even taking them 
down, if you are invited to do it. It would be the 
extreme of impoliteness, to say that they were flat- 
tered, or to pretend to recognize in the portrait of a 
young lady, the likeness of an elderly lady, or of one 
less favored by nature. It would moreover be im- 
proper to make long compliments ; indirect, and in- 
genious praise, is all that is proper. 

10 



110 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



SECTION II. 

Of Questions, and frequently recurring Expressions. 

It is an axiom of propriety that we should never 
speak of ourselves, (except to intimate friends) and 
that we should converse with strangers about them- 
selves, and everything which can interest them. 
Questions are therefore necessary, but they demand 
infinite delicacy and tact, in order neither to fatigue 
nor ever wound the feelings. If, instead of express- 
ing a mild and heartfelt interest, you ask a dry 
question dictated by a cold curiosity ; if you seem 
to pay no attention to the answers which you call 
forth ; if you mal-adroitly take a commanding tone ; 
if you prolong without bounds this kind of conver- 
sation ; if, perceiving that you are embarrassed, and 
that you endeavor to save yourself by an evasive 
answer, instead of keeping silence, you witness the 
foolish regrets of your indiscretion ; be assured that 
both your questions and yourself will be consider- 
ed as a torment. 

Madame Necker ingeniously observes that these 
favorite and frequently repeated terms with which 
we fill our conversation, serve, ordinarily as a mark 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. Ill 

of people's character. ' Thus,' says she, \ those who 
exceed the truth are in the habit of saying-, You may 
rely upon it, it is the truth; long talkers say, In a 
word, to be brief ; and the proud say, Without boast- 
ing,' &c. This striking observation is well founded, 
and consequently we ought to take good care not 
to let people into the secret of our peculiarities. 

But, independently of this motive, it is necessary 
for us carefully to avoid frequently recurring words, 
as in time, habit multiplies them to an inconceivable 
degree. They embarrass and overwhelm our con- 
versation, turn away the attention of those who lis- 
ten to us, and render us importunate, and ridiculous, 
without our being able to perceive it. 

If habitual terms, which on no other account are 
reprehensible, can become so troublesome what re- 
sults may these trite phrases, trivial expressions, 
and vulgar transitions produce, when they become 
frequent! 

SECTION III. 
Of Narrations, Analysis, and Digressions. 

There are many conditions indispensable to the 
success of a narrative. These conditions are, first, 
novelty ; the best stories weary when they are mul- 



112 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

tiplied too much, because every one wishes to be an 
actor in his turn upon the stage of the world. So 
that, when you have anything excellent to relate, 
consult less your own desire to tell it, than the 
wishes of others to hear you. There are buttoo many 
people who discover the secret of wearying while 
telling very good things, on account of their too 
great eagerness to tell them. 

The next thing is to take a suitable opportunity. 
Let your narration spring naturally from the conver- 
sation ; let it explain a fact, or come in support of 
an opinion, but let it never appear to be introduced 
by the foolish pleasure of talking, or by a not less 
foolish desire of making a display of talent. Remem- 
ber that the most meagre recitals, when they are 
apropos, frequently please more than the best things 
in the world, when they are said out of time. And 
even endeavoring to monopolize the conversation is 
in bad ton, particularly for young persons and ladies, 
especially if it is but a few moments since they oc- 
cupied the attention of the company. It is an agree- 
able and modest mark of propriety to request some 
one to relate an anecdote of the day, of which you 
have made mention, and the circumstances of which 
you desire to know. This is well suited to persons 
of distinguished talents. The person called upon, 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 113 

bows and excuses himself with a few words before 
acceding to your request. 

It is of all importance that the language corres- 
pond to the different forms which the narration re- 
quires ; that, under pretext of adorning our story, we 
do not wander into far-fetched comparisons, dull de- 
tails, or interminable dialogues ; that if we relate 
anything amusing or striking, we should observe the 
utmost seriousness, and finally, before commencing 
a recital of this kind, we keep in mind these lines of 
Lafontaine : 

II ne faut jamais dire aux gens, 

Ecoutez un bon mot, oyez une merveille, 

Savez-vous si les ecoutans 
En feront une estime a la v6tre pareille ? 

When, for want of observing this, as well as many 
other similar rules, narrators fail of the expected ef- 
fect, and think to be able to tell it over again, and 
remarking on the comic part of the story, and labor- 
ing to repeat it thus ; — Do you not think this excellent, 
wonderful ? Alas ! they only add to their own de- 
feat, and to the ennui of their poor hearers. 

If one relates an anecdote which you already 
know, permit him to finish it, and do not in any way 
draw off the attention of those who are listening. 
If your opinion is asked, give it frankly, and with- 



114 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

out wishing to appear better informed than the nar- 
rator himself. Still farther ; if you happen to be in 
tete-a-tete with the same narrator, observe the same 
silence, and listen with an air of interest, and if he 
happens to impart to you what he related the pre- 
ceding day, which he had from you yourself, you 
should appear to listen with equal interest, as if for 
the first time. Frequently, in the midst of a recital, 
the narrator, through forgetfulness, hesitates, and 
thinks that he can recall it. Look at him attentive- 
ly. If he is in doubt, declare that you are altogether 
ignorant of the subject in question. If his memory 
returns, request him to continue, at the same time 
saying ; / listen to you always with new pleasure. 
This delicate politeness is particularly to be observed 
towards old persons. 

When your narrations have had success, keep a 
modest countenance ; leave others to point out the 
striking parts which have pleased them. The surest 
means of not having the approbation of others, in 
actions as well as other things, is to solicit it, whether 
it be by looks, or by words. 

As every hearer is obliged to listen or understand 
without objecting, the consequence is, that we should 
feel our ground before speaking, and ask if such or 
such a thing is known to the company. When a 
story has been published in the newspapers, so that 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 115 

it is not entirely new, or seems borrowed from a 
compilation of anas, if we attribute it to some person 
of our acquaintance, (of course one that is absent,) 
an ineffable ridicule very properly stigmatizes the 
narrator. 

We come now to what seems to me the most diffi- 
cult part of conversation, and if you are not sure of 
being able to class your ideas with regularity, to ex- 
press them with much clearness, and an easy ele- 
gance, do not have the temerity to wish to analyze 
a book, or a dramatic piece. You would be laying 
up for yourself a rude mortification, which would 
have an unfavorable influence on your entr6 into 
society. You would be wrong, however, in conclud- 
ing, tbat I condemn you to perpetual silence ; I only 
wish to inspire you with a salutary diffidence, in or- 
der to preserve you from such a rude check, and to 

put it in your power some future day to answer, in 
this particular, the wishes of a distinguished and 
brilliant assembly. 

Begin by putting down upon paper a hasty sketch 
of a short piece, as for instance a vaudeville, or a 
little comedy. You will do this until, being sure 

i of the manner in which you would embrace the 
ensemble, and dispose of the details, you can produce 

i it without embarrassment. When arrived at this 
point, abstain from these kinds of analysis, which 
though indeed more correct, seem labored. They 



116 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

have besides less freedom, appropriateness, and 
grace. 

Know this, and remember it well, that every other 
preparation than thinking what you are about to say, 
will make you acquire two intolerable faults, affec- 
tation and stiffness. 

To conclude, I give this advice only to those per- 
sons who, by a quick and penetrating perception, by 
a love of the fine arts, and by a peculiar readiness, 
find themselves able to speak properly of literary 
productions. 

Those who are less engaged in these things, should 
content themselves with simply and briefly explain- 
ing a subject, and of mentioning the emotion they 
felt; with speaking of some brilliant passage, and 
adding that they do not pretend to pronounce judg- 
ment. 

The first degree of digression is the parenthesis ; 
provided it is short, natural, and seldom repeated ; 
and that you take care to announce it always; and 
finally, in order not to abuse it, you should make 
a skilful use of it. The second degree of digres- 
sion becomes more nice, for it includes those ac- 
cessory reflections, those common but agreeable 
and well-settled expressions ; those general or parti- 
cular allusions, which are only to be used with a 
peculiar emphasis, which is to language what the 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 117 

italic character is to printing". This method of 
speaking in italics may be striking and artless ; but 
it often becomes obscure and trivial ; the habit is 
dangerous, and one should use this difficult digres- 
sion only before intimate friends. 

We now come to the third degree ; to what is 
properly called digression ; most frequently it is in- 
voluntary. Often in a lively and animated dialogue, 
the impetus of conversation carries you, as well as 
the person with whom you are conversing, far from 
the point from which you started. Jf it is a question 
of pleasure or interest, return to your point by em- 
ploying a polite turn, as, Pray let us not lose sight of 
our business. But if it is an affair of nothings suc- 
ceeding nothings, let it flow on. 

Voluntary digression, when it is not a mere work 
of loquacity, may be employed in serious discourse, 
as political, philosophical, or moral discussions; but 
it is important to treat it with infinite reserve, and 
care, and never to introduce a personal apology, or 
a domestic incident, altogether out of place, as those 
persons do, who, in narrating any event relative to 
an individual, recount his life, their connexion with 
him, or his whole family, and make the event of an 
hour remind us of ages. 

Lawyers, literary people, military men, travellers, 



118 GENTLEMAN AND LADY's 

invalids and aged ladies, ought to have a prudent 
and continual distrust of the abuse of digressions. 

SECTION IV. 

Of Suppositions and Comparisons. 

The two shoals to be avoided in this form of lan- 
guage are directly opposed to each other ; the one is 
triviality, the other bombast. 

The object of supposition, which is already anti- 
quated, and sometimes too simple, is to increase the 
force of reasoning, and to carry conviction to the 
mind of the person who listens to you ; comparison 
tends to make an image, or to place before us the 
object described. When both these qualities are 
regulated by reason, use, and taste, it is very well ; 
but how seldom is this the case ! 

They are not so used, if, in the course of a dis- 
cussion, you suppose a respectable person to supply 
the place of a madman, an ill-bred person, or a rob- 
ber ; or, if you suppose him to be in a situation dis- 
graceful or even ridiculous. As, for example; If 
you had been this had person; or, Suppose, that you 
had committed this base act ; or, that you should be 
laughed at, &c. 

They are also misplaced, whenever, being satisfied 
with avoiding disagreeable comparisons, we endeav- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 119 

or to mark out some one as contemptible, by com- 
paring his exterior with that of some other person 
in the company. When we say ; This unfortunate 
man is of your size, sir ; he has your traits, your phy- 
siognomy, &c. 

They are also misplaced, if used in the presence of 
.people of a profession upon which the injurious com- 
parisons fall, as when we say ; Jis quackish as a doc- 
tor ; greedy as an attorney ; loquacious as a lawyer, 
&c. 

Finally, politeness and taste cannot at all exist 
in comparisons, if they are common or trivial, as 
; when we say, black as the chimney-back, high as one's 
hand, &c; or, if they are in a turgid and pretending 
style, such as, learned as the Muses, fresh as the 
.meadows, &c. 

SECTION V. 

Of Discussions and Quotations. 

■ Whatever be the subject of conversation, propose 
your opinion with modesty ; defend it with sang- 
froid and a mild tone if you are opposed ; yield 
with a good grace if you are wrong ; yield also, al- 
though you are in the right, if the subject of discus- 
sion is of little importance, and especially if the one 
vho opposes you is a lady, or an old person. More- 



120 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

over, if love of truth or the desire of affording in- 
struction force you to enter into a discussion, do it 
with address and politeness. If you do not bring 
over your opponent to your own opinion, you will 
at least gain his esteem. 

But if you have to do with one of those people who, 
possessed with a mania of discussion, commence 
by contradicting before they hear, and who are al- 
ways ready to sustain the contrary opinion, yield to 
him; you will have nothing to gain with him. Be 
assured that the spirit of contradiction can be con- 
quered only by silence. 

The insupportable pedantry of a cloud of quoters, 
without tact or talent, has justly, for a long time, 
thrown quotations into disrepute ; but if they are 
well chosen, few, and short; if they are a-propos, 

Qui fuit comme le temps, qui plait comme les graces ; 

if they are altogether new, and wielded by 
a person possessed of modesty, elegance, and taste, 
having a perfect knowledge of the world, quotations 
have much success and charm; but without these 
conditions, there is little safety ; and in this matter 
there can be no mediocrity ; you will either be a 
good model, or an insupportable pedant. Consider 
if you will rashly run this chance, especially on 
making your debut in society, when young persons 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 121 

ought so carefully to avoid making a parade of a vain 
college erudition, and not seek the reputation of 
a savant by employing words borrowed from foreign 
languages, or scientific terois unknown in good so- 
ciety. 



SECTION VI. 

Of Pleasantry, Proverbs, Puns, and Bon Mots. 

If society is not a school for exercising pedantry, 
neither is it an arena for the use of those perversely 
j clever people, who think themselves furnished with 
j a patent to insult with grace. Whatever may be the 
keenness of their sarcasms, the piquancy of their 
observations, or the smile which they excite in me, I 
do not the less refuse to allow to those caustic spirits 
the name of polite persons, or of good ton; for, in 
politeness there must be good feeling. But those 
twho incessantly study to trouble and wound people, 
^without taking any precaution except to deprive 
'them of the right or means of complaining ; who 
are ready to catch at the ler.st error, to exagge- 
rate it, to clothe it in the most bitter language, to 
Vpresent it in the most ridiculous light ; who meanly 
'attack those who cannot answer them, or expose 
^themselves every day for a sarcasm to sport with 
11 



122 GENTLEMAN AND LADy's 

their own life and that of another in a duel — such 
people, what are they ? — in truth, I dare not say. 

One such picture, which, certainly is not highly 
colored, would render pleasantries always odious ; 
but to indulge in pleasantry is not to resemble such 
mischievous persons, thank heaven, it is far oth- 
erwise ; for mild, kind, and harmless pleasantry 
should be taken in good part even by those who are 
the subjects of it; it is a friendly, and sportive con- 
test, in which severity, jealousy, and resentment 
should never appear ; whenever you perceive the 
least trace of them, the pleasantry is at an end ; de- 
sist, then, the moment they appear. 

As to hoaxing, that caustic of fools; as to that 
silly gaiety, excited by the candor or politeness of 
people whom you falsely cause to believe the most 
foolish things, because they do not make known to 
you that they see through this pleasure of stupid 
fellows, I have nothing to say of them, except that I 
have too good an opinion of my reader to suppose 
that he does not despise them as I do. 

Popular quotations and proverbs, as well as other 
quotations, require some care : and, except in famil- 
iar conversation, are altogether misplaced. If they 
are frequent, conversation becomes a tedious gossip- 
ping; if introduced without a short previous re- 
mark, one of two things will take place, they will 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 123 

either prevent the speaker from being understood, or 
they will give him the air of Sancho Panza. But 
the previous remark, however, need be but short ; 
, as the proverb says y as the loisdom of nations has it. 
j A proverb well applied, and placed at the end of a 
phrase, frequently makes a very happy conclusion. 

I only speak to censure ; 1 entreat my readers 
j not to suffer themselves to be the manufacturers of 
: puns, and to despise this talent of fools and childish 
j means to excite a passing laugh. Not that we can- 
not repeat in good company one of those rare politi- 
cal bon mots which are happy in every respect ; nor 
that we ought to deprecate this kind of pleasantry 
I before people who are fond of them, still less to tell 
r jthem what they hear every day, That is poor ; to 
jhave taste, does not authorize us to be impolite. 
, We must be much more severe upon another kind 
of equivoques ; namely, those which offend modesty. 
Propriety allows you, and it even requires you not 
,to listen to, but even to interrupt an ill-bred person 
who importunes you with those indecent witticisms 
which a man of good society ought always to avoid; 
.they are those by aid of which we cover certain 
pleasantries with a veil so transparent, that they are 
\he more observed. What pleasure can we find in 
.causing ladies to blush, and in meriting the name of 
fa man of bad society ? 



124 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

There are those who think that they may allow 
themselves every kind of pleasantry before certain 
persons ; but a man of good ton ought to observe it 
wherever he is. We might quote more than one 
example of persons, who have lost politeness of man- 
ners and of language by assuming the habits and 
conversation of ail kinds of society into which chance 
may have carried them. It requires but a moment 
to lose those delicate shades of character which con- 
stitute a man of the world, and which cost us so 
much labor to acquire. 

It is a great error to suppose that we must always 
shine in conversation, and that it is better to make 
ourselves ad mil ^d by a lively and ready repartee, 
than to content ourselves sometimes with silence, or 
with an answer less brilliant than judicious.* We 



* That a reply may be truly pleasing, it is necessary 
that he who makes it has a right so to do, and that we 
may quote it without doing him any wrong 5 otherwise, 
we should laugh at the reply, and despise the author of 
it. There are regies which are pleasing in the mouth 
of a military man, but which would be ridiculous in the 
mouth of a civil magistrate. A young lady may make 
lively and brilliant repartees, which would be insupport- 
able in a woman in the decline of life ; as the latter 
might make such as would be unsuitable in a young lady • 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 125 

must not imagine that all traits of wit are in the 
class of politeness; a vain and triumphant air spoils 
a bon mot : moreover, when you repeat a thing of 
this kind of which you are the author, beware of 
saying so to your auditors. 

SECTION VII. 

Of Euiogiums, Complainings, Improprieties in gene- 
ral, and Prejudices. 

One of the most improper things, is to praise to 
excess and unseasonably. Extravagant and mis- 
placed euiogiums neither honor the one who bestows 
them, nor the persons who receive them. 

An infallible method of giving a meritorious per- 
son the air of a fool, is to address him to his face 
and without disguise, to load hirn with exaggerated 
euiogiums ; it is indeed not a little embarrassing to 
reply in such a case. If we remain silent, we appear 
to be inhaling the incense with complacency ; if we 
repel it, we only seem to excite it the more. Thus 
we see, in such a case, and even among very clever 
persons too, those who reply by silly exclamations 
and by rude assertions. You were laughing at me, 
they say ; this cannot be tolerated ; it is to be sup- 
posed that the person who praises you is incapable 
of such an act. 1 think it would be better to say, / 
11* 



126 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

did not knoic you were so kind (or so good) J should 
indeed think you were joking me. Or else, we should 
say, your partiality blinds you. 

Persons who are unacquainted with the world, 
commonly think that they cannot address a lady 
without first assailing her with compliments. This 
is a mistake, gentlemen, and I can with relation to 
this point, reveal to you what my sex prefers to 
these vulgar eulogiums. 

It is in bad ton to overwhelm with insipid flattery 
all women that we meet, without distinction of age, 
rank or merit. These insipidities may indeed please 
some of light and frivolous minds,, but will disgust a 
woman of good sense. Carry on with them a lively, 
piquant and varied conversation ; and remember 
that they have a too active imagination, a too great 
versatility of disposition, to support conversation for 
a long time upon the same subject. 

Butis it then necessary to proscribe eulogiums en- 
tirely ? Not at all — society has not yet arrived at that 
degree of philosophy; eulogiums are and will for a 
long time be a means of success ; but they should be 
in the first place, true, or at least probable, in order 
not to have the appearance of outrageous insults ; 
they should be indirect and delicate, that we may 
listen to them without being obliged to interrupt; 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 127 

and they should be tempered with a sort of judgment, 
the skilful use of which, is itself even a eulogium. 
I repeat, as I have often said, let there be modera- 
tion in everything. 

Should we not regard as gross and ridiculous 
language, that exaggeration which we frequently 
hear used in praise as well as in censure ? It seems 
that true politeness in language consists principal- 
ly in a certain moderation of expressions. It is much 
better to cause people to think more than we say, 
and not outrage language, and run the risk of going 
beyond what we ought to say. 

Under any circumstances, complaining has always 
a bad grace. 

Banish from your complaints ill-nature and ani- 
mosity ; let your anger be only an expression of the 
wrong you have suffered, and not of that which you 
would cause ; this is the surest means of gaining to 
your side persons who would perhaps be doubtful 
whether to favor your adversary or yourself. 

Politeness is not less opposed to making excessive 
; complaints to the first person you meet, than to the 
! frequent and extravagant eulogiums which you be- 
i stow improperly upon those from whom you expect 
a favor in return. 

By the word improprieties, we generally under- 
stand all violations of politeness. We, however, give 



126 



GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 



to this word a particular and limited sense. It sig- 
nifies a want of due regard to, and aforgeifulness of, 
the delicate attentions which seem to identify us 
with the situation of others. We will mention some 
examples of these particular violations of politeness. 
To accost sad people with a smiling face and spright- 
ly manners, which prove to them the little interest 
which you take in their situation ; to trouble by a 
whimsical ancT cross ill-humor, and by misanthropic 
declamations, the pleasure of contented persons ; to 
exalt the advantages of beauty before aged ladies or 
those who are naturally unfortunate ; to speak of the 
power that wealth bestows in the presence of people 
hardly arrived at mediocrity of fortune ; to boast of 
one's strength or health before a vale tudinar inn, &c. 

The sense which we here give to the term jJfeju- 
dices is still more limited than that which we have 
just given to the expression improprieties. 

We do not mean to speak here of those erroneous 
judgments, acknowledged as such, which though 
undermined, and shaken, are still respected by that 
society which they torment. We wish only to ad- 
monish our fair readers of those unfriendly prejudi- 
ces of nation against nation, city against city, and 
section against section ; that malevolent disposition 
which with a Parisian makes the name 'provincial, 
synonymous with awkwardness and bad ton, and 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 129 

which, in the saloons of the Chausee d'Antin, allows 
no favor to persons lodging in the Marais ; because 
the people of the Marais, provincials and English- 
men, do not consider it any fault to return prejudice 
for prejudice, and contempt for contempt. 



130 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



CHAPTER VII. 

Of Epistolary Composition. 

Next to social communications by means of 
visits and conversation, are communications by 
means of letters and billets. It is not only absence, 
but a multiplicity of business, and a great number of 
relations which give a very great extension to this 
part of our social interests. 

Our readers have too much judgment to think that 
we wish to give them lessons in style, or teach them 
how they should write letters of friendship, of con- 
gratulation, of condolence, of apology, of recom- 
mendations, of invitation, of complaint, or of censure. 
This enumeration alone, shows the impossibility of 
it. Some general reflections upon propriety in epis- 
tolary composition, and strict details of the forms 
and ceremonial parts of Tetters, will compose this 
important chapter. 

SECTION I. 

Of Propriety in Letter Writing. 

If in conversation we ought to attend to propriety 
of language, its choice and graceful euphony, how 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 131 

much more is it necessary to endeavor to make our 
style in writing clear, precise, elegant, and appro- 
priate to all subjects. Vivacity of discourse forces 
us frequently to sacrifice happy though tardy ex- 
pressions to the necessity of avoiding hesitancy; but 
what is thus an obstacle in speaking, does not inter- 
fere with the use of the pen. We ought, therefore, 
to avoid repetitions, erasing, insertions, omissions, 
and confusion of ideas or labored construction. If 
we write a familiar letter to an equal or a friend, 
these blemishes may remain ; but otherwise, we 
must commence our letter again. 

The most exact observance of the rules of language 
is strictly necessary ; a fault of orthography, or an 
incorrect expression, are not allowable, even in the 
least careful letter or the most unimportant billet. 
Even correction is not admissible ; for, besides being 
a blemish to the letter, it betrays the ignorance or 
inattention of him who writes it. For these reasons, 
it is well to make a rough draft, if we are little ac- 
customed to epistolary style, and if being very young, 
we cannot perfectly remember the rules of syntax, 
and the dictionary. Some persons, it is true, cen- 
sure this precaution, which, say they, marks the 
style with affectation and stiffness. This censure 
does not seem to me well-founded. The loss of time 
which this method requires, is a more real inconven- 



132 GENTLEMAN AND LADY's 

ience ; and for this reason, and on account of the 
embarrassment with which we may be troubled, it is 
well to accustom ourselves to writing a letter c?ctem- 
pore with neatness, elegance and correctness. 

The choice of materials for writing, without being 
very essential, is yet necessary; to write on very cearse 
paper, is allowable only to the most indigent ) to use 
gilt edged and perfumed paper for letters of business, 
would be ridiculous. The selection of paper ought 
always to be in keeping with the person, the age, 
the sex, and the circumstances of the correspondents. 
Ornamented paper, of which we have just spoken; 
paper bordered with colored vignettes and embossed 
with ornaments in relief upon the edges} and paper 
slightly colored with delicate shades, are designed 
for young ladies, and those whose condition, taste, 
and dignity, presuppose habits of luxury and ele- 
gance. Many distinguished people, however, reason- 
ably prefer simplicity in this thing, and make use of 
very beautiful paper, but yet without ornament. 

People of business, heads of companies or estab- 
lishments, and persons of distinction, w T ith many- 
titles, use paper printed at the top, that is to say, 
having the name of their residence, the three first 
figures of the date of the year, their address, and 

these words, Mr. , (here follow the titles) to 

Mr. . 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 133 

It is extremely impolite to write a letter upon a 
single leaf of paper, even if it is a billet ; it should 
be always double, even though we write only two or 
three lines. It is still more vulgar to use for an en- 
velope, paper on which there are one or two words 
foreign to the letter itself, whether they be written 
or printed. 

Billets, letters folded lengthwise, and half-envel- 
opes, are little used. A folded letter, especially if 
written upon vellum paper, should be pressed at the 
folds by means of a paper- folder. 

The rules of politeness ought moreover to decide 
as to the expense of postage. They require us to 
defray the expense of the letter if it is written to 
distinguished persons, or to those of whom we ask 
any favor ; but it would be an incivility, and some- 
times a want of delicacy, to do it when we write to 
a friend, an acquaintance, or to persons of little for- 
tune, whose feelings we should fear to wound. We 
must therefore, in order to save them the expense as 
well as to avoid dissatisfaction, endeavor to make 
some excuse of business. 

Letters for new year's day, and other holidays, 
are usually written beforehand, in order to arrive on 
the previous or very same day. This is particularly 
required towards relations ; for friends and intimate 
12 



134 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

acquaintances, the following" week will do, and for 
other persons, any time within the month. 

It is as indispensable to answer when you are 
written to, as w T hen you are spoken to, and the indo- 
lence which so many correspondents allow in them- 
selves, in this respect, is an incivility. And if after 
all they decide to answer, they begin by apologies so 
constantly renewed, that they become common-place. 
We must use much care that these excuses may not 
be ridiculous. Conciseness, and some new terms of 
expression, are, in this case, indispensable. The 
same observation is applicable in making use of re- 
proving terms. 

Letters supply the place of visits, as we have 
seen, in bestowing presents, or on occasions of mar- 
riages, funerals, &c ; to neglect to write in a similar 
case, is gross impoliteness. 

Two persons should not write in the same letter, 
by one writing upon the first, and another upon the 
second leaf, except we are intimate with the corres- 
pondent. The same is applicable to postscripts. It 
is not allowable, except to familiar friends, to use 
expressions borrowed from foreign languages, as for 
instance the phrase of the Italians , I hiss your hands, 
&c. The language of men who write to ladies ought 
always to have a polish of respect, with which the 
latter might dispense in answering. Except on oc- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 135 

casions of great ceremony, a lady ought not to ad- 
dress to a man such phrases as, / have the honor to 

■ be, &c, while the latter should use the most respect- 
ful terms, as Deign, madam, to allow me; allow me 
the honor of -presenting you my respects, &c. 

You may use a lofty style towards persons to whom 
you owe respect; an easy, trifling, or even jesting 

■ style, towards a friend ; and a courteous style to- 
'■ wards ladies generally. You should not write in a 
1 trifling style to persons of a higher standing. It 

sometimes happens that a man of superior rank hon- 

■ ors with his friendship a man of lower condition, and 
is pleased that the latter writes to him without cere- 

p mony. In this case we may use the privilege which 
- is given us ; but we must take care not to abuse it, 
n and to make known from time to time that we are 

1 ready to confine ourselves within respectful bounds. 

When you write upon any subject, consider it 

fully before putting it upon paper, and treat of each 

{•■ topic in order, that you may not be obliged to recur 

^ to any one again, after having spoken of another 

■ thing. 

If you have many subjects to treat of in the same 
letter, commence with the most important; for if 
the person to whom you write is interrupted while 
reading it, he will be the more impatient to resume 



136 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

the reading, however little interesting he may find 
it. 

It is useful and convenient to begin a new para- 
graph at every change of the subject. 

After having written Sir or Madam at the top of 
the letter, we should not commence with one of these 
phrases ; Sir, madam — , your sister, has icritten me, 
that. We should say, I understand by a letter which 
madam — , your sister, has icritten me. 

Take care also, when writing to a person worthy 
of respect, not to make compliments to any one. 
But write to this third person whatever you wish 
him to know. 

Titles of respect, as Lordship, Majesty, Highness, 
Excellency, Honor, Madam, &c. ought never to be 
abbreviated, either in writing to the persons them- 
selves, or to any one who has acquaintance with 
them. 

Figures are used only for sums and dates ; num- 
bers of men, days, weeks, &c. are to be written at 
length. 

SECTION II. 

Of the Interior and Exterior Form of Letters. 

The interior form of a letter comprehends the titles 
and qualities of persons to whom it is proper to give 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 137 

them ; the more or less courteous phrases which we 
use ; the more or less respectful manner with which 
the commencement and body of the letter are to be 
arranged ; and the more or less humble terms which 
we are to use for the signature, the address or the 
superscription. 

The exterior form of a letter is what concerns the 
size of the paper ; the blank that we should leave 
between the vedette, (or line containing only the 
name) and the first line ; between the last line, the 
appellation, and signature ; the manner of folding 
the letter, and the choice and mode of putting on the 
seal. 

In addressing the pope, we say at the top of 
the letter, Holy Father, or Most Holy Father ; and 
instead of You, we should say, Your Holiness ; to 
a prince cardinal, M\ y Lord, and Your Most Eminent 
Highness. 

To a cardinal, My Lord, and Your Eminence. 

To an archbishop or bishop, My Lord, and Your 
Grace. 

To an emperor or empress, we say, Sire, or Madam; 
and instead of You, we say, Your Imperial Majesty. 

To a king we also say, Sire, and Your Majesty. 

To a queen, Madam, and Your Majesty. 

To the brother of a king. Your Royal Highness. 



138 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

To an elector of the empire, Your Electoral High- 
ness. 

To a sovereign prince, Your Most Serene Highness. 

To a prince, Your Highness. 

To an ambassador or minister, Your Excellency. 

To the chancellor of France, My Lord, and Your 
Lordship. 

The title Excellency is not given to ladies. 

Persons who have an exact knowledge of the lan- 
guage and usage of the court, know what is the most 
proper manner of expressing themselves. We will 
give some examples in which the different degrees 
of respect may be readily perceived. 

' I have received the letter with which you have 
been pleased to honor me.' 

; I have received the letter which you have done me 
the favor to write to me, which you have done me the 
honor to write to me, which you have taken the 
trouble to write to me.' 

There are some persons who commence their let- 
ters with these words ; I have received your's of the 
12th current ; this is a fault ; we should say, your let- 
ter. The first is the style of those people who, being 
pressed with business, are obliged to make abbrevi- 
ations ; and we must, in the common customs of life, 
beware of imitating them in this respect. We may 
say the same in respect to persons who write at the 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 139 

top of their letters, * 7" have received your honored 
letter of such a date ; ' or, l in answer to your honored 
letter) ' or, ' [write you these few words. 1 All these 
forms are objectionable. 

We should never repeat in the first sentence of a 
letter, the names My Lord, Sir, or Madam, with 
which we began. Bat if we write to a prince, or 
even to a minister, we should after the first line use 
the words, Your Majesty, Your Highness, or Your 
Excellency, and repeat them from time to time, in the 
course of the letter, if it is of some length. 

As to the conclusion of a letter, we should not say 
simply, lam, without adding some such phrase as 
these ; With the most profound respect ; with profound 
respect, with the highest regard, &c. To persons who 
have the title of majesty, highness, eminence, &c. we 
say, / am your majesty's, or your highnesses, &lc. very 
humble, &c. 

The words esteem and affection are used only in 
letters to friends or acquaintance, because they are 
too familiar ; but when accompanied by any words 
which relieve them, they do not offend one. As for 
example, we can say, lam with profound respect, and 
the highest esteem, &c. 

The following forms may be used with elegance; 

Accept, Sir, the assurances of high consideration ; 
be pleased to accept the assurances, &c. 



140 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

Letters of petition or request should be in folio, 
that is to say, upon a sheet of paper in its fall size ) 
the margin should be half the breadth of the page } 
the spaces and blanks which we ought to leave be- 
tween the upper edge of the paper and the vedette* 
and between the vedette and the first line, are very 
different, according to the degree of inferiority or 
superiority. The greater these spaces are, the more 
respect do they indicate. The first line ought al- 
ways to begin below the middle of the page, when 
we write to a person to whom we owe much respect ; 
but the second page should begin one line below the 
vedette. A blank space should always be left be- 
tween the last words of the signature, and the lower 
edge of the paper, If there should not be sufficient 
room, it would be better to carry one or two lines 
over to the succeeding page, than to fail in this 
respect. 

For a familiar letter, it has become fashionable to 
leave no margin at all. It is, however, in these let- 
ters only that margins can be useful, namely, in re- 
ceiving a vertical line when all the paper is filled. 

The date of a letter may be put at the beginning 
when we write to an equal ; but in writing to a su- 
perior, it should be at the end, in order lhat the title 

* See page 137. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 141 

at the head of the letter may be entirely alone. In 
letters of business, on the contrary, it is necessary 
to date at the top and on the first line, that persons 
may know conveniently, the chronological order of 
their communications. 

The date is often necessary to the understanding 
of many passages of your letter, or to explain the 
sense of one which your correspondent may have re- 
ceived at the same time from another person. 

In a simple billet, we put the date of the day, 
Monday, &c. It is well sometimes to add the hour. 

Every letter to a superior ought to be folded in 
an envelope. It shows a want of respect to seal 
with a wafer; we must use Gealing-wax. Men 
usually select red ; but young ladies use gilt, rose, 
and other colors. Both use black wax when they 
are in mourning. Except in this last case, the color 
is immaterial, but not the size, for very large ones 
are in bad taste. The smaller and more glossy, the 
better ton they are. Although sealing-wax is pre- 
ferable, still we must sometimes avoid using it ; it is 
when we are afraid that the seal maybe opened. 

When the letter is closed with or without an en- 
velope, we put only a single seal upon it; but if the 
letter is large, we use two. Moreover, if it contains 
important papers, it should have three seals or more, 
according to the nature of the envelope. If a per- 



142 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

son takes charge of a letter as a favor, it would be 
very impolite to put more than one seal upon it. If 
the letter should be folded in such a manner that by 
partly opening it at the end, its contents may be 
read, it would be equally impolite to put a little wax 
upon the edges. We can use this precaution only 
when the letter is sent by the post or by a domestic. 

When we use no envelope, and the third page of 
the letter is all written upon, we should leave a 
small blank space where the seal is to be put; with- 
out this precaution, many very important words will 
be covered. 

We should not seal a letter of respect with an an- 
tique device. It is more polite to use our coat 
of arms or cipher. 

Persons of taste, who have no coat of arms, adopt 
a seal bearing some ingenious device, in keeping with 
their profession, sentiments, &c. 

A letter which is to be shown, as a letter of intro- 
duction or recommendation, ought never to be seal- 
ed, since the bearer ought necessarily to know the 
contents. But to seal it without having first allow- 
ed the bearer to read it, would be very impolite. 
You should prove to the person recommended, that 
you have spared no pains to render him a service. 

It is only conscripts, and peasants, who fold a 
letter like an apothecary's packet, who omit to press 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 143 

the wafer with a seal, or secure it by pricking it in 
every part with the point of a pin. 

We never seal petitions which are to be presented 
to the king ; and to the members of the royal family. 

Some distinguished persons are flattered in writ- 
ing to them, by our omitting to designate precisely 
their address. It is an error ; we should indicate 
with exactness the town, and the province, state, 
&c. if there is more than one town of the same 
name, in a large city, it is well to write the name 
of the street and number, and the quarter of the 
city where the street is. People of business, abbre- 
viate this by putting N and the number, or the num- 
ber alone ; this practice is more expeditious than 
polite. 

/We generally address a letter lo one person only ; 
\mt in certain cases we may address to two or more 
collectively. 

It is well to add to the name, the title or profes- 
sion, in order to prevent mistake. However, if cir- 
cumstances have obliged any one of your acquaint- 
ance to act in an inferior situation, it would be a 
want of delicacy to join to his name that of his bu- 
siness. 

When we write to the king, we put simply in the 
address, To the King. To foreign kings we say, To 
his Catholic Majesty, his Britannic Majesty, &c. 



144 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

To persons who have the title of highness, we say, 
To his Highness, and then their quality or rank. To 
ministers and ambassadors, we say, To his Excellency, 
the Minister, or Embassador. If a person has many 
titles, we select the highest, and omit the others. 

In billets, we put the date at the top of the paper, 
and begin the letter about two inches below. The 
word Sir is put in the first line. We conclude with 
one of these phrases, I am, Sir, yours ; I am entirely 
yours, &c. We do not write a billet to ladies, or to 
superiors, as this was introduced only to avoid cere- 
mony. 

The most familiar billets are written in the third 
person, contrary to the common practice. They 
contain very little, and begin thus, Mr. or Madam 
N present their respects, or compliments, to Mr. Such- 
a-one, and request, &c. After having made the re- 
quest, we end with, and he will oblige Ids humble 
servant. 

In this kind of billets, it is best not to use the pro- 
noun he or she, for independently of the incivility, it 
might result in confusion. Sometimes it would be 
difficult to know whether the pronoun referred to 
the person who received the letter, or to the one 
who wrote it. 

I shall conclude this chapter by an observation 
relative to friendly and familiar letters ; not that I 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 145 

have the folly to pretend to regulate by any ceremo- 
nial, the sentiments of the heart; but there is in re- 
ality nothing more cold and ridiculous, than accu- 
mulations of epithets like these, Your tender, sincere 
and constant friend , &c. 



13 



146 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



CHAPTER VIII. 

Additional Rules in respect to the Social Relations. 

I include under this name, everj^thing relating to 
friendly attentions, such as services, loans, presents, 
advice, and also things in relation to discretion, such 
as respect in conversation, letters, secrets, confiden- 
tial communications, &c. 

SECTION I. 

Of an Obliging Deportment. 

Polite persons are necessarily obliging. A smile 
is always on their lips, an earnestness in their coun- 
tenance, when we ask a favor of them. The} 7 know 
that to render a service with a bad grace, is in reali- 
ty not to render it. If they are obliged to refuse a 
favor, they do this with mildness and delicacy ; they 
express such feeling regret, that they still inspire us 
with gratitude ; in short, their conduct appears so 
perfectly natural, that it really seems that the oppor- 
tunity which is offered them of obliging us, is oblig- 
ing themselves ; they refuse all our thanks, without 
affectation or effort. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 147 

This amiable character, a necessary attendant of 
perfect good breeding, is not always found with all 
its charms, in the world. There are besides, some 
obliging persons, who force us to extort their ser- 
vices, who feel of great consequence, who like to be 
supplicated and thanked to excess. Do not imitate 
them : they make us ungrateful in spite of ourselves, 
they make gratitude a pain and a burden. "When 
one asks of you any favor, reply kindly, " I am at 
your service, and shall be very happy to render you 
any assistance in my power;" or else, with a sad 
manner, lament that there is such an obstacle, &c. 
Then examine the means of overcoming the obsta- 
cle, even if you should be assured beforehand that 
none exists. 

Other persons, pretending to be polite, make pro- 
testations of their services and zeal, without taking 
the trouble to abide by their offers when an occasion 
is afforded them : so great is their trifling in this re- 
spect that they can be justly compared to those false 
heroes who are always talking of fighting, and who 
■would be put to flight at the sight of a drawn sword. 
: These indications of zeal are suspicious, when they 
°are employed every moment and without any reason ; 
a knowledge of the world teaches us to discern them, 
'and to give them that degree of confidence which 
they merit. Sometimes we can congratulate persons, 



148 GEKTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

wish them well, and have the appearance of taking 
an interest in the recital which they are making of 
their affairs, without really feeling the least interest 
for them. We cannot always command our indiffer- 
ence in this respect, but we are obliged to spare 
them that constraint and ennui, which would infal- 
libly be shown if we should manifest to them the 
coldness which they inspire. It belongs to those 
persons who know the world, not to confound this 
politeness, with the pretended zeal of the Don Quix- 
ottes of the drawing-room, of whom we have spoken 
above. 

In order that a service may be completed, it is ne- 
cessary that it should be done quickly, nothing being 
more disobliging than tardiness, and the alternative, 
which you place a person in, either of addressing to 
you new solicitations, or of suffering by your delay. 
Your tardy assistance may perhaps be prejudicial, 
for one would surfer a long time before resolving to 
importune you anew. 

Make use then of despatch. If any circumstances 
prevent you from acting, inform the person, apolo- 
gise, and promise to make reparation for your ne- 
glect. On his part, the person who is under the obli- 
gation to you, should be careful of using a single 
term of reproach and of accosting you with an air of 
dissatisfaction. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 149 

When any one who is visiting you has need of a 
shawl, a handkerchief, a hat, offer it with a complai- 
sant zeal, resist the refusal which is made (and which 
propriety does not require) select the best you have, 
in short, urge the persons not to be in haste to 
return the articles. If it is very bad weather, and 
the occasion a proper one, offer an umbrella or your 
carriage. These things are returned the next day 
by a domestic, who is charged to thank the person 
for them. If the articles are linen, they should not 
be returned before they are washed. 

When a lady has borrowed ornaments of another, 
as for instance, jewels, the latter should always offer 
to lend her more than are asked for : she ought also 
to keep a profound silence about the things which 
she has lent, and even abstain from wearing thern 
for some time afterwards, in order that they may not 
be recognised. If any one, perceiving they were 
borrowed, should speak to the person of it, he would 
pass for an ill-bred man. If the borrower speaks to 
you of it, it is well to reply that nobody had recog- 
nised them. All this advice is minute, but what 
kind will you have ? it concerns female self-esteem. 

One species of borrowing which is of daily occur- 
rence, and happens very often to the loss of the own- 
ers, is the borrowing of books. Persons are so want- 
ing in delicacy on this subject, that those who have 
13* 



150 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

a passion for books, and who are very obliging in 
other respects, are forced to refuse making these 
troublesome loans. The case, however, is a very 
perplexing one ; we cannot say, I am not willing to 
lend you this work ; but if the borrower is a suspicious 
person, we can say we have occasion to use it, that 
we regret it very much, but that we will lend it to 
him in a few days. However, we do not lend it at 
all. 

Well-bred persons do not make a bare request 
for a book ; they wait until it is offered, and then 
they accept the offer hesitatingly ; they find out the 
length of time they can keep it, and return it punc- 
tually at the appointed day. In order to prevent 
every accident, they cover it with cloth or paper, 
since the favor should render them more careful than 
the value of the book ; they also take care not to 
turn down the leaves, or make marks, marginal 
notes, &c. 

If any accident happens to a borrowed article, we 
must repair the loss immediately. I shall not speak 
of more important loans, which are out of the range 
of politeness. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 151 



SECTION II. 

Of Presents. 

In the eyes of persons of delicacy, presents are 
not of worth, except from the manner in which they 
are bestowed ; in our advice, then, let us strive to 
give them this value. 

Presents are offered first to relations and to friends ; 
and they occur under different circumstances; on 
our arrival at a place from which we have been ab- 
sent for a long time ; when our intimate friends 
leave the town in which we reside ; on our return 
from a journey, particularly to the capital; in re- 
markable and remote countries ; on birth days, or 
days of baptism, or new year's day. 

But this day is not the only occasion of ex- 
changing presents in a family, it is also an occasion 
for recollecting services and civilities ; of making 
our respects to ladies, to superiors whom we wish to 
honor. It moreover offers us a delicate means of 
succoring the unfortunate. 

Secondly, at harvest time, if one owns land, in the 
hunting season, if one is a hunter ; it is in good ton 



152 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

to send to oar intimate friends, fine fruits, rare flow- 
ers, or some choice articles of game. 

The most delicate presents are the productions of 
our own industry ; a drawing, a piece of needle 
work, ornamental hair- work, &c. But such offer- 
ings, though invaluable among friends, are not used 
on occasions of ceremony. 

Next to fitness of time for presents, comes fitness 
in the selection of them ; generally, luxury and ele- 
gance ought to reign in the latter ; but this rule has 
numerous exceptions : and although it would be out 
of place to offer things purely useful (to which cer- 
tain incidents would give the appearance of charity) 
still we should be in an error to suppose that a pres- 
ent is suitable, which is brilliant alone. It must by 
all means be adapted to the taste, age, and profes- 
sions of persons, and their connexions with us. 
Thus to superiors, you offer fruits, game, &c. to a 
student, books j* to a friend of the arts, music, or 
engravings; to young married ladies, delicate and 
graceful articles of the toilet, &c. 

Presents should excite surprise and pleasure, there- 
fore you ought to involve them in a mystery, and 
present them with an air of joyful kindness. 

* It is not polite, when the presents are pamphlets, to 
off?" those of which vou have cut the leaves: 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 153 

When you have made your offering, and thanks 
have been elicited, do not bring back the conversa- 
tion to the same subject 5 be careful, particularly, of 
making your gift of consequence. On the contrary, 
when it's merit has been extolled, when the persons 
who have received the present, have evinced a live- 
ly satisfaction, say that the gift receives all its value 
from their opinion of it. 

However slight charm a present may have, or if 
even insignificant, we should be ill-bred not to mani- 
fest much pleasure in receiving it. It is besides, 
necessary, when an opportunity offers, to speak of it, 
not to fail of saying to the donor, how useful or 
agreeable his present is to you. In proportion as a 
long space of time has elapsed, this attention is the 
more amiable ; it proves that you have preserved the 
object with care. And this reminds me, that we 
should never give away a present which we have re- 
ceived from another person, or at least that we 
should so arrange it, that it may never be known. 

It is well to mingle with our manifestations of 
gratitude, some exceptions to the high value of the 
gift, but not to dwell a long time on the subject, or 
ito exclaim about it with earnestness. Under some 
circumstances, these declamations may seem dictat- 
; ed by avarice and a want of delicacy ; they are be- 
sides in bad taste at all times. 



154 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

We often make a present to some one through his 
children or wife, especially on new year's day, when 
it is the custom to present at least confectionary to 
the young families of one's acquaintance. At Paris, 
we make such presents to married ladies ; in the 
provincial towns, we do not. Above al], when one 
has received a present of some value, he calls upon 
the person who gave it, or, if the distance is great, 
addresses to him a letter of thanks. Every one 
knows that custom requires us to make a remunera- 
tion of a proportionate value, to the domestic who is 
the bearer of the present. 

SECTION III. 

Of Advice. 

Advice is a very good thing, it is true ; it is how- 
ever a thing which in society is the most displeasing. 
A giver of advice, who is incessantly repeating, If I 
was in your place, I should do so and so, repels every 
one by his pride and indiscretion. Such an imperti- 
nent person should know, that he ought not to give 
advice without he is asked, and that the number of 
those who ask it is very limited : we are not, howev- 
er, speaking here of gratifications of vanity, but of 
that advice, the kindness and affection of which, 
gives it a claim to our attention. It is necessary to 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 155 

use much reserve and care, because otherwise you 
would seem to have a tone of superiority which 
would array the self-esteem of your friend against 
your wisest counsels. Of the forms of modesty, no 
one in this place is superfluous : we may say, " It is 
possible that I am mistaken, I should be far from 
having the courage to enquire of you," &c. 

If a person makes any objections, do not say, You 
do not understand me, but, I have not expressed my- 
self properly. 

SECTION IV. 

Of Discretion. 

The duties of discretion are so sensibly felt by 
persons of good breeding, that they do not violate 
them except through forgetfulness, It will be 
enough then to make an enumeration of them, with- 
out intending to point out their necessity. 

Discretion requires in the first place, respect with 
regard to conversation. If, when we enter the house 
of any one, we hear persons talking in an earnest 
manner, we step more heavily, in order to give no- 
tice to those who are engaged in the conversation. 
If, in an assembly, two persons retire by themselves 
to speak of business, we should be careful not to ap- 



156 GENTLEMAN AND Lady's 

proach them, nor speak to them until they have sep- 
arated. 

People who have lived a little in the world, know 
how essential it is not to mingle with curiosity in 
the business of persons whom we visit; nor are 
they ignorant what conduct is to be observed in case 
we surprise persons by an unexpected call; but 
young persons may not know, and I beg them to 
give their attention to it. 

When we see a person occupied, we retire, or at 
least make signs of it ; if they should detain us, we 
step aside, and appear to be examining a picture, or 
looking out of the window, in order to prove that 
we take no notice of what engages them. But the 
desire to find for ourselves some such occupation, 
ought not to lead us to turn over the leaves of books 
placed upon the chimney-piece or elsewhere ; to run 
over a pamphlet; or to handle visiting cards, or let- 
ters, even though it be only to read the superscrip- 
tion. If the person visited should be opening a clos- 
et or drawers, it would be rude curiosity to approach 
in order to see what was contained there. If, among 
a number of valuable things, they take one to show 
you, be satisfied with looking at that alone, without 
appearing to think of the others. 

If, before the person visited comes in, we should 
see another visitor, who, to pass the time, should 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 157 

take a journal or a book from his pocket, it would be 
extremely impolite to read over his shoulder, and 
equally uncivil to read what a person is writing. 

It is not allowable to take down the books from a 
library ; but we may, and we even ought to read the 
titles, in order to praise the good taste which has 
been shown in the choice of the works. 

If it happens that any one exhibits to a circle some 
rare and valuable object, do not be in haste to ask 
for it, or to take it by reaching out your hand ; wait 
modestly until it comes to you ; do not examine it 
too long when you have it, and if by chance any ill- 
bred person requests it before you have seen it, do 
not detain it ; it is better to suffer this small priva- 
tion than to pass for a badly educated virtuoso. 

However insignificant the boasted object may be, 
never criticise it; if your opinion is asked, answer a 
few words of praise ; if the thing is really curious, 
abstain from exaggerated compliments. 

To violate the secresy of letters, under any pre- 
text whatever, is so base and odious, that I dare not 
say a word about it; I think, I ought to say, that it 
is also very reprehensible to endeavor to read any 
part of a letter folded in such a manner as to be part- 
1 ly open at the ends ; and when a certain passage in 
a letter concerning yourself is handed you to read, 
■• you should put your finger below it in order not to 
14 



158 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

read anything more ; and if you are allowed to add 
anything in a letter, have the discretion not to cast 
your eyes over the rest, and be expeditious so as to 
avoid the suspicion that you take advantage of the 
circumstance. 

Politeness is also opposed, in certain cases, to a 
too great haste to know anything relating to our- 
selves. For example, if a person brings you a let- 
ter, you should not be in a hurry to open it, but see 
whether the letter concerns the bearer at all, or only 
yourself. In the first case, you should open it, and 
read it while he is present; in the other case, you 
should lay it aside. 

Politeness does not, however, impose such re- 
straints upon curiosity in small things, and leave us 
free in important ones. Thus, we shall not say that 
we ought religiously to keep a secret, and that confi- 
dence received is a sacred deposit ; but we shall say 
to persons who have curiosity to know any private 
circumstance, that they ought to be rilled with shame 
if they do not desist all importunity as soon as they 
hear the word, it is a secret. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 159 



CHAPTER IX. 



Of Travelling. 

This chapter, although only accessory, and but re- 
motely connected with the social relations, should 
be added here ; as we do not wish to make any vol- 
untary omission, and, besides, if in travelling, the 
duties of politeness are less numerous, they are not, 
therefore, less obligatory. 

Persons about to travel, ought to make visits of 
taking leave among their acquaintances, of whom 
they should ask if they have any commands for 
them. It would be indiscreet, unless in case of per- 
fect intimacy, to accept this offer, or to ask them to 
take charge of such or such a thing, especially if it 
is a packet ; if persons are very intimate, we may 
request them to let us hear of their arrival. 

Before their departure, the names of passengers 
are entered in the order of their numbers, at the pub- 
lic coach offices. After this, each one takes the 
place assigned him. Politeness, however, requires 
L .hat a man should offer his seat to a lady who is less 
well accommodated ; for it would be improper that 



160 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'9 

he should be seated upon the back seat, while she 
should be seated upon the front one. Some persons 
cannot bear the motion of a coach when they ride 
backwards ; and this manner of riding incommodes 
them extremely. Polite travellers will take pleas- 
ure in relieving them from this trouble. Ladies, on 
their part, ought not to require too much, nor put to 
too severe a test the complaisance of gentlemen. 
The latter, however, should at every stopping place, 
attentively help them alight, by offering the hand, 
and directing their feet on the step of the coach. 
The same thing is necessary in assisting them to get 
in again. It would appear badly, to take advantage 
of one's superiority of rank, to consult his own con- 
venience alone. It is necessary on the contrary, for 
him to have great care not to incommode any one, 
and to show every civility to his fellow travellers. 

Politeness in travelling is not so rigorous as in so- 
ciety ; it only requires that we should not incom- 
mode our companions ; that we should be agreeable 
to them ; that we should politely answer their ques- 
tions; but it leaves us free to read, sleep, look about, 
or observe silence, &c. 

A traveller would be uncivil if he should open or 
shut the windows of the coach without consulting 
the people who are with him; or, if he should, with- 
out offering to them, take any light and delicate food, 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 161 

as fruits, cakes, or confectionary, but which they do 
not generally accept; and he would appear disagree- 
able., if, knowing the route, he should not point out 
the beautiful sites, and satisfy any questions con- 
cerning them ; finally, he would deserve the name 
of an imprudent prater, if he should converse with 
his fellow travellers as with intimate acquaint- 
ances. 

On our return, we should carry or send the com- 
missions which we have received. Partial acquaint- 
ances, to whom we have offered only by writing, to 
take their commands, should not expect a visit on 
our return ; this right belongs only to relations, 
friends, or intimate acquaintances. 

Finally, all those for whom you have executed any 
commissions, owe you a visit of thanks as soon as it 
can be done. 

If you travel on horseback, in distinguished com- 
pany, give them the right, and keep a little behind, 
regulating yourself by the progress of your compan- 
ions. There is one exception to this rule ; it is when 
one of the two horses is skittish, so that it is abso- 
lutely necessary that the other should pass on first, 
that this one may follow. 

If you happen to be on the windward side, so that 
| you throw dust upon your companion, you should 
change your position. When we pass by trees, the 
14* 



162 GENTLEMAN AND LADY's 

branches of which are about the height of the shoul- 
ders, the one who goes first ought to take care that 
the branches, in going back to their former situation, 
should not strike with violence against the person 
who follows. 

If you are passing a large stream, a small river, or 
a muddy pool, by fording, it is polite to go first ; but 
if we have not taken precautions, and fall in the 
rear, we ought to keep at a distance, so that the 
horse's feet may not spatter the water or mud upon 
the gentleman before us. If your companion gallops 
his horse, you should never pass him, nor make your 
horse caper, unless he signifies that it is agreeable to 
him. 



EOOK OF POLITENESS. 163 



PART III. 

OF PROPRIETY IN RELATION TO PLEASURES. 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Entertainments. 

Politeness ought, as we have seen, to direct and 
embellish all the circumstances of life ; but it is, if 
possible, still more necessary in relation to pleas- 
ures, which, without it, Would have no attraction. 

Without intending to adopt the epigrammatic style, 
I will say that dining is almost an event, so many 
points of propriety have the master of the house and 
his guests to observe. 

When we intend giving an entertainment, we 
begin by selecting such guests as may enjoy them- 
selves together, or at least tolerate one another. If 
it is to be composed of gentlemen, there should be 
no lady present, except the lady of the house. The 
dinner being determined upon, we give out two or 
three days beforehand, verbal or written invitations 
During the carnival or other season of gaiety, it is 



164 GENTLEMAN AND LADY"? 

necessary to do it at least five days in advance, on 
account of the numerous engagements. 

When we receive a written invitation, we must 
answer immediately whether we accept or not ; al- 
though silence may be considered equivalent to an 
acceptance. In the latter case, w T e should give a 
plausible reason of our declining, and do it with po- 
liteness. When the invitation is verbal, we must 
avoid being urged ; for nothing is more foolish and 
disobliging ; we ought either to accept or refuse in 
a frank and friendly manner, offering some reasona- 
ble motive for declining, to which we should not 
again refer. It is not allowable to be urged, except 
when we are requested to dine with some one whom 
we have seen only at the house of a third person, or 
when we are invited on a visit or other similar occa- 
sion. In the former case, if we accept, we should 
first leave a card in order to open the acquaintance. 

Having once accepted, we cannot break our en- 
gagement, unless for a most urgent cause. 

An invitation ought to specify exactly the hour 
of meeting, and you should arrive precisely at that 
hour. The table should be ready, and the mistress 
of the house in the drawing-room, to receive the 
guests. When they are all assembled, a domestic 
announces that the dinner is served up ; at this sig- 
nal we rise immediately, and wait until the master 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 1G5 

of the house requests us to pass into the dining-room, 
whither he conducts us, by going before. 

It is quite common for the lady of the house to act 
as guide, while he offers his hand to the lady of most 
distinction. The guests also give their arms to la- 
dies, whom they conduct as far as the table, and to 
the place which they are to occupy. Take care, if 
you are not the principal guest, not to offer your 
hand to the handsomest or most distinguished lady; 
for it is a great impoliteness. 

Having arrived at the table, each guest respectful- 
ly salutes the lady whom he conducts, and who in 
turn bows also. It is one of the first and most diffi- 
cult things properly to arrange the guests, and to 
place them in such a manner that the conversation 
may always be general during the entertainment; 
we should as much as possible avoid putting next 
one another, two persons of the same profession ; for 
it would necessarily result in an aside conversation, 
which would injure the general conversation, and 
consequently the gaiety of the occasion. The two 
most distinguished gentlemen are placed next the 
mistress of the house ; the two most distinguished 
ladies next the master of the house ; the right hand 
is especially the place of honor. If the number of 
gentlemen is nearly equal to that of the ladies, we 
should take care to intermingle them ; w T e should 



166 GENTLEMAN AKD LADY'S 

separate husbands from their wives, and remove near 
relations as far from one another as possible, because 
being' always together, they ought not to converse 
among themselves in a general party. 

The younger guests, or those of less distinction, 
are placed at the lower end of the table. 

In order to be able to watch the course of the din- 
ner, and to see that nothing is wanting to their 
guests, the master and mistress of the house usually 
seat themselves in the centre of the table, opposite 
each other. As soon as the guests are seated, the 
lady of the house serves in plates, from a pile at her 
left hand, the soup which she sends round, begin- 
ning with her neighbors at the right and left, and 
continuing in the order of their distinction. These 
first plates usually pass twice, for every one endeav- 
ors to make his neighbor accept whatever is sent 
him. 

The master of the house carves or causes to be 
carved by some expert guests, the large pieces, in 
order afterwards to do the honors himself. If you 
have no skill in carving meats, you should not at- 
tempt it ; and never discharge this duty except when 
your good ofaees are solicited by him ; neither can 
we refuse from his hand anything sent us. 

A master of a house ought never to pride himself 
upon what appears on his table, nor confuse himself 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 167 

with apologies for the bad cheer which he offers 
you ; it is much better for him to observe silence in 
this respect, and leave it to his guests to pronounce 
eulogiums on the dinner ; neither is it in good ton 
to urge guests to eat nor to load their plate against 
their will. 

I will now give a few words of advice to guests; 
puerile it may be, but which it is well to listen to, 
and observe. It is ridic ulcus to make a display of 
your napkin ; to attach it with pins upon your 
bosom, or to pass it through your buttonhole ; to use 
a fork in eating soup ; to ask for meat instead of beef; 
for poultry instead of saying chicken, or turkey; to 
turn up your cuffs while carving; to take bread, 
even when it is within your reach, instead of calling 
upon the servant ; to cut with a knife youi bread ? 
which should be broken by your hand ; and to pour 
your coffee into the saucer to cool. 

Guests of the house of a distinguished personage 
are accompanied each by his own servant, who takes 
his place behind his chair. They should not ad- 
dress him during the entertainment, still jess repri- 
mand him. Before placing themselves at the table, 
they ought to direct him to serve the other guests 
also, and to retire as soon as the table is cleared, be- 
cause the domestics of the house ought to eat by 
themselves. 



168 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

During the first course, each one helps himself at 
his pleasure to whatever he drinks ; but, in the sec- 
ond course, when the master of the house passes 
round choice wine, it would be uncivil to refuse it. 
We are not obliged, however, to accept a second 
glass. 

When at the end of the second course, the cloth 
is removed, the guests may assist in turning off 
that part of it which is before them, and contribute 
to the arrangement of the dessert plates which hap- 
pen to be near, but without attempting to alter the 
disposition of them. From the time that the dessert 
appears on the table, the duties of the master of the 
house diminish, as do also his rights. 

If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or 
elderly person, politeness requires him to save them 
all trouble of pouring out for themselves to drink, of 
procuring anything to eat, and of obtaining whatev- 
er they are in want of at the table. He ought to be 
eager to offer them what he thinks to be most to 
their taste. 

It would be impolite to monopolize a conversation 
which ought to be general. If the company is large, 
we should converse with our neighbors, raising the 
voice only enough to make ourselves understood. 

Custom allows ladies at the end of an entertain- 
ment to dip their fingers into a glass of water, and 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 169 

to wipe them with their napkin ; it allows them also 
to rinse the mouth, using their plate for this purpose ; 
but, in my opinion, custom sanctions it in vain. 

It is for the mistress of the house to give the sig- 
nal to leave the table ; all the guests then rise, and, 
offering their arms to the ladies, wait upon them to 
the drawing-room, where coffee and liqueurs are 
prepared. We do not take coffee at the table, ex- 
cept at unceremonious dinners. In leaving the ta- 
ble, the master of the house ought to go last. Po- 
liteness requires us to remain at least an hour in the 
drawing-room after dinner; and, if we can dispose 
of an entire evening, it would be well to devote it to 
the person who has entertained us. 

We should not leave the table before the end of 
the entertainment, unless from urgent necessity. If 
it is a married lady, she requests some one to ac- 
company her ; if a young lady, she goes with her 
! mother. 

The question whether it is proper, or not, to sing 
at table, depends now upon the ton of the master of 
'the house. We do not sing at the houses of people 
:of fashion and the high classes of society ; but we 
•may do it at the social tables of citizens. In this 
case, we may repeat what has been said and proved 
•a thousand times how ridiculous it is to be urged 
when we know how to sing, or to insist upon 
15 



170 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

hearing a person sing who has an invincible 
timidity. 

After dinner, we converse, have music, or more 
frequently, prepare the tables for games. In the 
coarse of the soiree, the mistress of the house sends 
round upon a waiter eau sucree or refreshing syrups. 
During the week which follows the entertainment, 
each guest owes a visit to the person who has invit- 
ed them. We usually converse at this time, of the 
dinner, of the pleasure we have enjoyed, and of the 
persons whom we met there. This visit has receiv- 
ed the cant name of the visite de digestion. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS* 171 



CHAPTER II. 

Of Promenades, Parties, and Amusements. 

The paragraphs contained in this chapter concern 
the most common relations of society. Complai- 
sance and attentions ought therefore to embellish 
and adorn these relations with all the delicate shades 
of politeness. 

SECTION I. 

Of Promenades. 

A young man who walks with an elderly person, 
undoubtedly knows that his companion has not the 
same strength and agility as himself; he ought there- 
fore to regulate his pace by that of the old person. 
The same precauiicn should be observed when we 
accompany a person of distinction to whom we owe 
respect. Decorum requires that a gentleman should 
offer his arm to a lady who walks with him ', and 
politeness requires him to ask permission to carry 
anything which she may have in her hand, as a bag, 
a book, or a parasol (if the sun does not shine ;) in 
I case of a refusal, he ought to insist upon it. 



172 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

If there are more ladies than gentlemen, we should 
offer our arm to the oldest, and to a married lady 
rather than to an unmarried one. If we are accom- 
panied by two ladies, we cannot dispense with offer- 
ing our arm to each of them. 

Place your company upon that side which seems 
to them most convenient, and beware of opposing 
their tastes or desires. When occasion presents it- 
self, offer seats to your companions to rest them- 
selves, and do not urge them to rise until they man- 
ifest a wish to continue their walk. If they accept 
your invitation to sit down, and it happens that there 
are not a sufficient number of seats, then the ladies 
should sit, and the gentlemen remain standing. 

In a large public garden, chairs are seldom want- 
ing ; if it is necessary to go for some to the place 
where they are kept, this is the business of the gen- 
tlemen, who ought to take care not to place them 
before persons already seated, for this would be an 
incivility. When payment for the seats is called 
for, one gentleman of the company pays for the 
whole. It would be impolite to offer to reimburse 
him. 

There is also a rule of politeness to be observed 
with regard to those whom we meet in walking. 
We ought to offend neither their eyes nor their ears. 
We must take care not to attract their attention by 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 173 

immoderate laughter, nor allow ourselves liberties 
which we cannot take in a private garden. To sing 
and skip about in walking, would expose us to the 
hootings of the multitude, and to unpleasant things 
for which we could only accuse our own folly. 

If you are in a public promenade ; converse upon 
general topics, which can offend no one, in order 
that your remarks may not be wrongly interpreted 
by persons who happen to hear them. Beware on 
the other hand, of listening to the conversation of 
those who are not of your party. 

If you give your arm to a lady in the street, she 
ought to be next the wall. And if by chance, you 
are obliged to cross over, you should then change 
the arm. This deference is likewise due to all 
who are entitled to our respect. Two gentlemen 
do not take one another's arms in the street, unless 
they are young persons and intimate friends. 

We never go in advance of the lady whom we 
accompany, and if she stops, we do so likewise, and 
remain with her in looking at whatever attracts her 
attention. If a mendicant comes up to ask alms, 
we immediately draw out our purse to satisfy his 
wants, so that the lady w T ith whom we are walk- 
ing may not be importuned by him. 

If we walk in a private garden, and the company 
is numerous, we may separate, and form distinct 
15* 



174 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

groups. If the master of the house or any person 
of consideration, invite you to walk up and down 
the alleys, take care to give them the right, it being 
the most honorable side. At the end of each alley, 
and when you must retrace your steps, turn inside 
towards the other person, and not outward, as you 
would thus present your back to him. If you hap- 
pen to be with two persons who are your superiors, 
do not place yourself in the middle, for that is the 
place of honor ; the right, is the second, and the left 
the third place. 

Be careful also of the choice cf places if you take 
an airing in a coach, and yield the first seats to la- 
dies and distinguished persons. The one of most 
consequence gets in first, and places himself at the 
right of the back seat ; the left of the same seat is 
occupied next; then, the third person seats himself 
on the front seat, facing the one in the first place ; 
the fourth person takes the remaining seat, facing 
the one in the second place. If there is no servant, 
it is proper for the gentlemen to open the door, ar- 
range the packets, &c. 

In a cabriolet or chaise, the right side is for the 
one who drives when there are only two persons. 
If there are three, the driver sits in the middle, even 
although he may be very inferior to his companions. 
I may add, that it is not customary for a lady to go 






BOOK OF POLITENESS. 175 

alone in a hired cabriolet, since she would then be 
in the company of the driver only. 

SECTION II. 
Of Parties and Amusements. 

We shall have but few things to say upon the 
manner of conducting one's-se]f in a party, for we 
should only repeat the advice we have already 
given as respects propriety in the carriage of the 
person, in visits, and in conversation. 

If a gentleman enters a drawing-room where 
there are more than ten persons, he should salute 
all generally, by a very respectful inclination of the 
head, and present his respects first to the lady of the 
house, but converse at first only with her husband ; 
gentlemen usually stand in groups, while the ladies 
sitting, answer the salutation by a similar one ; we 
should remark that the ladies do not rise, except in 
saluting one of their own sex. 

However distinguished a person may be, we do 
not allow conversation to be disturbed by their com- 
ing. They listen for a few moments while observ- 
ing what persons are present, then mingle in the 
conversation, without pretending at all to monopo- 
lize it. When conversation is not general, nor the 
subject sufficiently interesting to occupy the whole 



176 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

company, they break up into different groups. 
Each one converses with one or more of his neigh- 
bors on his right and left. We should, if we wish 
to speak to any one, avoid leaning upon the person 
who happens to be between. A gentleman ought 
not to lean upon the arm of a lady's chair, but he 
may, while standing, support himself by the back of 
it, in order to converse with the lady half turned to- 
wards him. 

It would be extremely impolite to converse in a 
load voice with any one upon private subjects, to 
make use of allegories and particular allusions which 
are understood only by the person with whom you 
are conversing and yourself. It would be equally 
out of place to converse in a foreign language, with 
any one who might be able to speak it. 

It is not proper to withdraw in the midst of any 
conversation, but to wait until the subject in which 
you are engaged shall be finished ; you then sa- 
lute only the person with whom you have been talk- 
ing, and depart without taking leave of any one, not 
even the gentleman and lady of the house. 

The mind has need of recreations ; it cannot be 
always occupied. Hence the custom of passing a 
few moments in those family and social parties, 
where we take part in the various amusements and 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 177 

games which have been invented to relax and di- 
vert the mind. 

It is useless to observe here that we do not mean 
to speak of those scandalous establishments in which 
are frequently swallowed up the resources of fami- 
lies, and where a person, led by an unhappy passion, 
may consume in one evening, enough to furnish an 
annual support for fifty orphans; we design to speak 
only of those innocent games, in which we are am- 
bitious only of the glory of a triumph. To propose 
to play a deep game would be to expose ourselves 
to contempt. For, those who composed the assem- 
bly, would imagine that he who makes this request, 
has no other object in view but to enrich himself 
at the expense of others, and that he is accustom- 
ed to frequent those abominable houses of which 
we have just spoken. 

We should have a bad opinion of a player who, 
when he gained, should show excessive joy, and if 
he lost, should betray the least chagrin ; for he 
ought to remember that it is only for amusement 
that he plays. 

Conduct yourself without letting escape the least 
word of dissatisfaction, and be pleasant even if you 
are unfortunate. 

When you leave off playing, converse with your 
adversary, and not seem to avoid him, but especial- 



178 GENTLEMAN AND LADY's 

ly never speak to him of his good luck in playing, 
unless it be with a frank gaiety, for otherwise you 
would seem to be inspired with anger. 

Play with fairness, and do not endeavor to see the 
hand of your adversary in order to profit by it ; pay 
attention to your game, and not hold conversation 
with others. This inattention would render you 
necessarily insupportable to those who play with 
you. 

If any play is contested, we should not discuss 
it with warmth, but refer to disinterested persons, 
explaining to them with calmness and politeness the 
point in dispute. 

In playing, we must always preserve an even 
temper ; neither should we devote too much time 
to it, for then this amusement would become irk- 
some, and would soon be changed to a fatiguing oc- 
cupation. 

When the mistress of the house has prepared the 
tables for playing, she takes as many cards as each 
game requires players, and presents them to the 
persons present, beginning with the one whom she 
wishes especially to honor. To accept a card, is 
considered an engagement to play. The distribution 
of the players requires all the attention of the mis- 
tress of the house, for there are some persons not 
to be desired for partners. There are, besides, bad 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 179 

players, persons who being little accustomed to play- 
ing, stop a long time to think, bite their lips, strike 
their feet together under the table, drum upon the 
table with their ringers ; pretend that such a person 
being near brings them bad luck, and request out of 
their turn to shuffle the cards, in order to change 
the luck, &c. 

The mistress of the house experiences, besides 
the embarrassment of arranging these unlucky play- 
ers, sufficient trouble in keeping from the same 
table, those who have any antipathy to one another. 

When we commence playing, we salute, by an 
inclination of the head, the persons with whom we 
play, as we deal to them the first card. Gentlemen 
should collect the cards at the end of each hand, 
shuffle, and present them to the lady who is to deal. 

We may, without impropriety, ask of any one if 
he plays such a game, even if he plays well; and 
we may ask those invited to play, whom they de- 
sire as partners. The most honorable set, namely, 
that in which the mistress of the house plays, can 
never be refused, unless we are unacquainted with 
playing. 



180 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



SECTION III. 

Little Sports and Games of Society. 

Those sports, called innocent, generally please 
young persons of both sexes, because they excite an 
interest, while they require an exercise of the mem- 
ory and of the mind. It is necessary, however, in this, 
as in everything else, to manifest attention, delica- 
cy, and propriety. We ought not to endeavor to be 
noticed for our too great vivacity or freedom. We 
should be satisfied with showing our talent at play- 
ing in our turn, and taking part in the common gai- 
ety, without pretension or too great zeal. We 
should especiauy avoid throwing out any vindictive 
remarks, bestowing misplaced compliments, or im- 
posing forfeits which would cause mortification. 

A young gentleman ought never to seize a young 
lady by the body, catch hold of her ribband or bou- 
quet, nor pay exclusive attention to the same per- 
son. He should be agreeable and pleasant towards 
all. 

The selection of different games belongs to the 
ladies. The person who receives the company, 
should be careful to vary them ; and when she per- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 181 

ceives that any game loses its interest, she should 
propose another. 

There are almost always persons in society who 
wish to take the lead, and give the ton; it is a ca- 
price or fault which should be avoided. We may 
modestly propose any amusement, and ask the opin- 
ion of others in regard to it ; but never pretend to 
dictate, nor even urge having our own proposal ac- 
cepted. If it does not please generally, we should 
be silent, and resign ourselves with a good grace to 
the decisions of the majority. 

In these little sports, the penalties which are im- 
posed, too often consist in embracing the ladies of 
the company ; but as they cannot iefuse, since you 
follow the rule of the game, take care to do it with 
such propriety, that modesty may not be offended. 

Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound 
the -feelings of any one of the company. 



16 



182 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



CHAPTER III. 

Of Balls, Concerts, and Public Shows. 

These amusements presuppose a fortune, and 
good ton ; the practice of society, therefore, and con- 
sequently a forgetfulness of the precepts of polite- 
ness in respect to them, would be truly prepos- 
terous. 



SECTION I. 

Of Balls. 

I was going to say, let us begin with private balls ; 
but I recollect that this denomination is no longer 
fashionable. We do not say, a hall at Madam such 
a one's, but an evening party {soiree). Nevertheless, 
when we wish to give a dance, we give the 
invitations a week beforehand, that the ladies may 
have time to prepare articles for their toilet. 

If it is to be a simple evening party, in which we 
may wear a summer walking dress, the mistress of 
the house gives verbal invitations and does not omit 
to apprise her friends of this circumstance, or they 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 183 

might appear in unsuitable dresses, if, on the con- 
trary, the soiree is to be in reality a ball, the invita- 
tions are written, or what is better, printed, and ex- 
pressed in the third person. 

A room appropriated for dresses, and furnished 
with cloak pins to hang up the shawls and other 
garments of the ladies, is almost indispensable. 
Domestics should be there also to aid them in taking 
off and putting on their outside garments. 

We are not obliged to go exactly at the appointed 
hour ; it is even fashionable to go an hour later, 
Married ladies are accompanied by their husbands, 
unmarried ones, by their mother or by a chaperon. 
These last ladies place themselves behind the dan- 
cers ; the master of the house goes before one and 
another, procures seats for them, and then mingles 
again among the gentlemen who are standing, and 
who form groups or walk about the room. 

The toilet of all the assembly should be made with 
great care. A gentleman who should appear in a 
riding-coat and boots, would pass for a person of bad 
ton. 

When you are sure of a place in the dance, you 
go up to a lady, and ask her if she will do you the 
honor to dance with you. If she answers that she 
is engaged, invite her for the next dance, and take 
care not to address yourself afterwards to any ladies 



184 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

next to her, for these not being able to refuse you, 
would feel hurt at being invited after another. 
Never wait until the signal is given to take a part- 
ner, for nothing is more impolite than to invite a 
lady hastily, and when the dancers are already in 
their places ; it can be allowed only when the set is 
incomplete. 

A lady cannot refuse the invitation of a gentleman 
to dance, unless she has already accepted that of 
another, for she would be guilty of an incivility 
which might occasion trouble ; she would besides 
seem to show contempt for him whom she refused, 
and would expose herself to receive an ill compli- 
ment from him. 

Married or young ladies cannot leave a ball-room 
or any other party alone. The former should be ac- 
companied by one or two other married ladies, and 
the latter by their mother, or by a lady to represent 
her. 

We should avoid talking too much ; it would oc- 
casion remarks and have a bad appearance to whis- 
per continually in the ear of our partner. 

The master of the house should see that all the 
ladies dance ; he should take notice of those who 
seem to serve as drapery to the walls of the ball- 
room, or wall-flowers, as the familiar expression is, 
and should see that they are invited to dance. He 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 185 

must do this wholly unperceived, in order not to 
wound the self-esteem of the unfortunate ladies. 

Gentlemen whom the master of the house requests 
to dance with these ladies, should be ready to accede 
to his wish, and even appear pleased at dancing 
with a person thus recommended to their notice. 

Ladies who dance much, ought to be very careful 
not to boast before those who dance but little or not 
at all, of the great number of dances for which they 
are engaged in advance. They should also, without 
being perceived, recommend to these less fortunate 
ladies, gentlemen of their acquaintance. 

In giving the hand for ladies' chain or any figures, 
those dancing should wear a smile, and accompany 
it with a polite inclination of the head, in the man- 
ner of a salutation. At the end of the dance, the 
gentleman re-conducts the lady to her place, bows 
and thanks her for the honor which she has confer- 
red. She also curtesies in silence, smiling with a 
gracious air. 

In these assemblies, we ought to conduct our- 
selves with reserve and politeness towards all pres- 
ent, although they may be unknown to us. 

Persons who have no ear for music, that is to say, 
a false one, ought to refrain from dancing. 

Never hazard taking part in a quadrille unless 
you know how to dance tolerably. If you are a 
16* 



186 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

novice or but little skilled, you would bring disor- 
der into the midst of pleasure. Being once engaged 
to take part in the dance, if the figures are not fa- 
miliar, be careful not to advance first. You can in 
this way govern your steps by those who go before 
you. Beware also of taking your place in a set of 
dancers more skilful than yourself. 

When an unpractised dancer makes a mistake, 
we may apprise him of his error ; but it would be 
very impolite to have the air of giving him a lesson. 

Dance with grace and modesty ; neither affect to 
make a parade of your knowledge ; refrain from 
great leaps and ridiculous jumps which would at- 
tract the attention of all towards you. 

In a private ball or party, it is proper to show still 
more reserve, and not to manifest more preference 
for one lady than another ; we should dance with 
all indiscriminately, but we may, moreover, invite 
the same lady more than once. 

In public balls, a gentleman offers his partner re- 
freshments, which she very seldom accepts, unless 
she is much acquainted with him. But in private 
parties, the persons who receive the company, send 
round cake and other refreshments, of which each 
one helps himself as he pleases. Near the end of 
the evening, in a well regulated ball, it is customary 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 187 

to have a supper, when the gentlemen stand behind 
the ladies who are seated. 

In a soiree without great preparation, we may dis- 
pense with a supper, but refreshments are necessa- 
ry ; and not to have them would be the greatest im- 
politeness. 

The waltz is a dance of quite too loose a charac- 
ter, and unmarried ladies should refrain from it in 
public and private ; very young married ladies, how- 
ever, may be allowed to waltz in private balls, if it is 
very seldom, and with persons of their acquaintance. 
It is indispensable for them to acquit themselves 
with dignity and decency. 

I have spoken of public balls, in contradistinction 
to private ones, and I might also have mentioned 
balls by subscription, for, in regard to the public balls 
of Paris and other large cities, we have nothing to 
advise our readers but to shun them. As to masked 
balls, it is an amusement altogether to be condemn- 
ed, except those of the Opera. Neither should we 
appear there except in a domino. 

We should retire incognito, not to disturb the mas* 
ter and mistress of the house ; we should make then- . 
during the week, a visit of thanks, at which we ma m 
converse of the pleasure of the ball and of the good 
selection of the company. 



188 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



SECTION II. 
Of Concerts. 

The proprieties in deportment which concerts re- 
quire, are little different from those which are re- 
cognized in every other assembly or in public exhi- 
bitions ; for concerts partake of the one and the oth- 
er, according as they are public or private. In pri- 
vate concerts, the ladies occupy the front seats, and 
the gentlemen are generally in groups behind, or at 
the side of them. One should observe the most pro- 
found silence, and refrain from beating time, hum- 
ming the airs, applauding, or making ridiculous 
gestures of admiration. Very often a dancing soiree 
succeeds a concert, and billets of invitation distrib- 
uted two or three days beforehand should give no- 
tice of it to the persons invited. 

When a lady is going to perform, it is good ton 
for a gentleman to stand behind the chair of the per- 
former, and turn over the leaves attentively, if he 
knows how to read music. 

We ought also after an invitation to a concert, to 
return a visit of thanks. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 189 



SECTION III. 

Of Public Shows or Spectacles. 

One would be deceived if he imagined that there 
exist no rules of propriety to be observed in public 
places, where persons assemble together, and at 
theatrical exhibitions. There are some general at- 
tentions which we should manifest to those persons 
whom we meet there. It wonid be impolite to jostle 
continually, and in an importunate manner, those 
near whom we are placed, to step upon the dress of 
a lady, or run against those who are moving at a 
moderate pace. 

If you go with a party to a theatrical entertain- 
ment, one of the gentlemen should carry the tickets 
to the door-keeper, in order to avoid any embarrass- 
ment to ladies on entering ; and when the box is 
open, they should place them in the front row, ac- 
cording to their age, or the consideration they de- 
serve. Young persons should occupy the seats 
behind, and avoid leaning over too much, to the 
incommoding of those who are seated in front of 
them. 

Gentlemen should address themselves to the at- 
tendants at the boxes, make them a compensation, 



190 GENTLEMAN AND LADY's 

and place under their care their hats, the cloaks and 
other articles of dress of the ladies; but we must 
not hang them over the boxes, whether it is a pock- 
et-handkerchief, a tippet, or a shawl, &c* Nor 
ought a person to turn his back to the stage ; for in 
that case, he exposes himself to the derision of the 
pit, and to hear disagreeable remarks. Then the 
eyes of all would be fixed upon you; your impru- 
dence would excite a disturbance, which would be 
troublesome to the audience. 

When a spectator of kind feelings is affected at 
the sight of the misfortunes which the heroes of the 
play suffer, or has his sympathy touched by the vir- 
tues which are displayed, nothing can be more an- 
noying to him, than to have constantly at his side, a 
morose critic, who, without mercy, finds fault with 
the finest parts of the performance, who sees noth- 
ing to his taste, and changes into a place of fatigue 
and ennui, resorts consecrated to amusement and 
pleasure. It is, moreover, almost as ridiculous to 
place no bounds to our applause. 

When ladies enter a box where a gentleman is 
seated in front of them, propriety requires that he 



-In some of the theatres in Paris, this is however 
allowed.— T. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 191 

should offer his seat, notwithstanding they are stran- 
gers to him, and he should insist upon their taking 
it, even after they have once refused. 

If the heat incommodes you, do not open the 
door of the box, without the consent of those who 
occupy it. 

Be very reserved at the theatre, in order not to 
trouble those who are near you, and maintain a pro- 
found silence when the actors are on the stage, so as 
not to interrupt the attention of persons who take 
an interest in the spectacle. 

It is improper to pass too positive and severe 
a judgment on the performance, or the playing of 
the actors, whether to make a eulogium, or to find 
fault with them. One may meet persons of a con- 
trary opinion, and engage himself in a controversy 
which it is prudent to avoid. 

Between the acts, gentlemen should ask the ladies 
if it is agreeable to them to walk in the entries, the 
saloon, or to take refreshments. They should also 
ask them if they wish for a journal of the theatre 
or play bill, or an opera glass ; and if bouquets are 
sold at the door of the theatre, it would be proper 
and gallant to present them with one. 

As soon as you have arrived at the outer door of 
the theatre, if in a carriage, you must take care to 



192 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

have your party all ready at the very moment the 
carriage drives up. It is necessary to do the same 
thing, if you send a porter to get a hired coach. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 193 



CHAPTER IV. 

Of the Duties of Hospitality. 

Those of my readers who from habit, or instinct, 
fear the least appearance of constraint, and perhaps 
even in this work have found lessons of politeness 
too strict, and have thought that civilization has 
augmented them beyond measure, will without 
doubt apply the same remark to the present chapter. 
But what in reality are these slight duties of modern 
hospitality, in comparison to the rigorous ones of 
ancient times ? 

When a billet of announcement has informed you, 
as is customary, that a preceding invitation on your 
part will bring guests to your house, you must begin 
and carefully arrange the apartment you intend for 
them. They should have a good bed, a bureau, 
a fire in the winter, and everything which can con- 
tribute to their comfort ; a wash basin, water, glass 
tumblers, a bottle of cologne, a sugar bowl filled, or 
rather a glass of water prepared, several napkins, 
and everything which will contribute to neatness, 
or elegance, ought to be placed in the apartment. 

These preliminaries being arranged, a little before 
17 



194 GENTLEMAN AND LADIES 

the appointed hour, we must go and wait upon our 
guests ; a domestic should go with you to bring their 
baggage to the house. You should embrace your 
friends and congratulate them ; express the pleas- 
ure you enjoy in receiving them, inquire kindly 
about the incidents of their journey, and conduct 
them in an earnest manner, and introduce them, by 
requesting them to make your house their home ; 
this finishes the second series of the duties of hospi- 
tality. 

The third class of obligations, is assiduity to your 
guests ; because otherwise, it would seem to them, 
that their presence was troublesome. 

To you belongs the care of kindly offering to 
their view everything in your house, in the city or 
in the country, which is interesting; of making par- 
ties in honor of them, as dinner parties of their 
friends, or such as it is presumed will please them ; 
these are obligations of hospitality which you can- 
not omit. When visitors show any intention of 
leaving you, you ought affectionately to endeavor 
to retain them ; nevertheless, if their resolution 
seems immovable, you send to engage their seats at 
the coach office ; you offer them delicate refresh- 
ments, and accompany them thither; then, taking 
leave of them, renew your invitations for another 
visit, and your regret at not having been able to 
succeed better in retaining them. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 195 

To do the honors of one's own house, it is neces- 
sary to have tact, address, knowledge of the world, 
and a great evenness of temper, and much affa- 
bility, it is necessary to forget one's-self, in order 
to be occupied with others, but without hurry, or 
affectation; to encourage timid persons, and put 
them at their ease ; to enter into conversation, di- 
recting it with address rather than sustaining it 
ourselves. 

The mistress of a house ought to be obliging, of 
an equal temper, and attentive in accommodating 
herself to the particular tastes of every one, especial- 
ly to appear delighted that they are with her, and 
make themselves perfectly at home. 

Guests, on their part, should show themselves 
contented and grateful for the reception that is given 
them. They should, on departing, give a generous 
remuneration to the domestics, and immediately 
after arriving at home, write to the persons who 
have entertained them a letter of cordial thanks. 

The duties of hospitality are of frequent recur- 
rence, fatiguing and troublesome, but they are an 
indispensable obligation. To omit them, is to be 
willing to pass for a person of no education, and no 
delicacy, and in short it is to place people in a most 
embarrassing and painful situation. 



196 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



PART IV. 

OF PROPRIETY AS REGARDS OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES. 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Marriage and Baptism. 

These two subjects have peculiar right to the pre- 
cepts of politeness ; for the first is the closest of the 
social relations, and both furnish occasions for the 
most brilliant fetes. 

SECTION I. 

Of Marriage* 

We usually make a profound secret of the pre- 
liminaries of marriage, because, in case of its being 

* The greater part of the marriage ceremonies here 
described, are according to the usages of Catholic coun- 
tries, but some of them are applicable to our own ; and 
it has been thought that it would be interesting to 

American readers to retain the whole as in the original. 

T. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 197 

broken off, we are afraid of malicious interpretations; 
but, after the first words are exchanged, it is neces- 
sary to make it known in confidence to a few inti- 
mate friends, and those to whom we are under obli- 
gations. Afterwards, we give intelligence of it by 
letter to our relations. 

A young man who solicits a lady in marriage, 
should be extremely devoted and respectful; he 
should appear a stranger to all the details of business 
which the two families discuss ; he converses with 
bis intended particularly of their future arrange- 
ments, her tastes, the selection of a residence, fur- 
niture, bridal presents, &c. Avoiding all misplaced 
familiarity, he calls her Miss until returning from 
church, on the day of marriage ; he accompanies 
her in all assemblies, and shows himself a devoted 
suitor. 

When the banns of matrimony have been pub- 
lished, it is customary at Paris for a bouquet-maker 
to come to adorn the bride, presenting her with a 
bouquet. This attention requires a remuneration. 

The marriage is declared in two ways. We in- 
vite three or four days beforehand persons of our 
acquaintance to assist in the nuptial benediction, 
and we specify precisely the time and place where 
the ceremony will be performed. As to the legal 
17* 



198 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

act, which is performed b) T civil authority, we in- 
vite only witnesses and near relations. 

If a person is invited to assist at the repast or fete 
which follows the marriage, we make express men- 
tion of it at the bottom of the letters of invitation,* 

We simply communicate the fact of the marriage 
to those who have been invited neither to the nup- 
tial ceremony, nor to the enteitainment. Propriety 
requires that the person invited to the marriage cer- 
emony should come, or send an excuse if it is im- 
possible to be present. A simple letter of announce- 
ment to uninvited persons, requires only a visit or 
two; the first of which is made by card 

Presents are usually the preliminaries of a mar- 
riage : those which the gentleman makes his in- 
tended wife, are called wedding presents ; they con- 
sist of different articles of the toilet, a set of dia- 
monds, &c. Some persons content themselves with 
sending a purse containing a sum of money in gold, 
for the purchase of these things : the young lady 
then spends it as she thinks proper. The married 
gentleman is moreover to make a present to each of 
the brothers and sisters of his intended. 



* These letters are usually duplicates, for the invita- 
tion should appear to be given by the parents of both 
the future couple. 






BOOK OF POLITENESS. 199 

The young lady, on her part, gives some present 
to her bridemaid : she often presents her with a dress 
or some ornament, and she receives in her turn 
from the other, a girdle, gloves, and a bouquet of 
orange flowers. Since we have spoken of marriage 
presents, we will add that at Paris the married lady- 
mast receive a gift from her sisters and cousins, 
and that in the provincial towns, on the contrary, 
she must offer them some token. 

We will now pass to the ceremony : after the cel- 
ebration of the legal act, which may be some days 
previous, the married couple, followed by their pa- 
rents, commonly go to the church in the carriages 
which conducted them to the office where the legal 
act was performed ; for at Paris, whatever situation 
in life the parties may be in, they never go on foot. 
The married lady goes in one carriage with her 
relations and the bridemaid ; the gentleman in 
another carriage with his father and mother, or his 
nearest relatives. 

The acquaintances of the two married persons, 
repair to the church at the appointed hour ; the 
friends of the gentleman place themselves on the 
right, those of the lady on the left hand, on seats 
prepared beforehand. 

The marriage train then advances in the follow- 
ing order ; the lady gives her hand to her father, or 



200 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

to one who represents him ; then comes the gentle- 
man with his mother, or the lad}' who represents 
her, and afterwards the members of the two families 
follow in couples. 

When the couple and their relations approach the 
altar, each of the persons present bows to them in 
silence : the relations place themselves in the same 
order as the acquaintances, and before the latter, in 
the front row, which should be reserved for them. 
The couple to be married are placed in the middle. 
Although it is polite alwavs to present the right 
hand to the lady whom we conduct, or to give her 
the right when we are next her, yet the bridegroom 
takes the right of the bride, because, in this act, 
which is at once religious and civil, man ought to 
preserve the prerogative which the law both human 
and divine have conferred upon him ; besides, as 
the bridegroom is to place the nuptial ring on the 
finger of the bride, it is more convenient for him to 
be upon the right hand than the left. 

When the clergyman puts the questions to them, 
each should consult their relations by a respectful 
sign of the head, before answering the decisive yes. 

The veil is held over the head cf the bride by two 
children whose parents we wish to compliment. 
The business of the bridemaid who has presided at 
the toilet of the bride, is to designate their places at 






BOOK OF POLITENESS. 201 

the religious ceremony in church; and afterwards, 
at the baH, is to supply the place of the bride, who 
can take no active part; it is usually one of her sis- 
ters or a most intimate friend who is chosen for this 
purpose. 

The groomsman, for there should be one or even 
more, looks well to the list of those invited to the 
ceremony, to see what persons are absent; because 
it is the custom of married persons not to make the 
marriage visit to any one who has been guilty of 
this impoliteness. 

The married gentleman must give presents to the 
attendants at the church, the poor, &c. 

After the nuptial benediction, the married couple 
again salute the assembly, and then receive the 
compliments of each one. There are some families 
in a more humble situation, where the married lady 
is embraced by all at the marriage ceremony ; in 
those in a higher station in life, she embraces only 
her father, her mother, and her new relations. 

The new husband gives his hand to his wife when 
returning from the church; nevertheless at dinner he 
should be placed between his mother and his moth- 
er-in-law, while his wife is to be seated between 
her father and father-in-law. 

In case there is a supper, the married couple sit 
next each other. 



202 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

The married lady opens the ball with the most 
distinguished person in the assembly ; she retires 
privately, accompanied by her mother, and one or 
more near relations whom they wish to compliment. 

The newly married couple make marriage visits 
in the course of a fortnight, in a carriage, and in full 
dress. They should make these visits alone. They 
leave their cards for those with whom they do not 
wish to be intimate. 

Such are the received usages in the capital. In 
the provinces, many of the old and common customs 
are preserved, as the gift of a laced shirt bosom to 
the husband by his wife ; wedding favors or ribbands 
for the wife, ribbands of two colors with which they 
decorate the young persons in the marriage suite, 
&c. 

SECTION IL 

Of Baptism* 

We must invite several months beforehand the 
godfather and godmother of the child that is to be 
baptized. If the ties of blood have given you a right 

* Most of the observances which follow, as well as 
those in the section on marriage, have more particular 
reference to the forms of the Catholic and Episcopal 
churches. — T. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 203 

to this onerous duty, you cannot dispense with it. 
If not, you can seek a specious excuse. 

When one has consented to hold the infant at the 
baptismal font, he should perform this duty in a 
becoming manner, and according to his own condi- 
tion and that of the parents of the child. 

A present should be given to the mother, and this 
present usually consists of confectionary. We must 
also give one to the godmother, a pair of white gloves 
and comfits; if she is a young person, she common- 
ly receives a bouquet of white flowers in addition. If 
the godfather wishes to show her any attention, he 
can add to the presents an elegant and valuable ob- 
ject, such as a fan ; but in that case it is good ton 
for the godmother to send in return some rich and 
tasteful present. She also has the honor of giving 
to the child a cap, and often a baptismal robe. To 
her also belongs the duty of putting the first dress 
on the child. 

The attendant and the nurse have also a present. 

The officers of the church, and the poor, should 
each receive a gratuity proportionate to their condi- 
tion. We simply put a piece of money into the 
hands of the humbler persons; but we present the 
clergyman with a box of presents in which is enclos- 
ed a piece of gold or silver. 

Persons of a very high class in order to free their 



204 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

friends from these expenses, send their domestics to 
present their children at the baptismal font. This is 
a most unbecoming custom ; it seems to consider 
this holy consecration as a slavish ceremony, and 
destroys at its source the sentiment of respect and 
affection, that a godson or daughter should inspire 
in those who have adopted them before God. 

At whatever hour the ceremony is appointed, we 
go to the church in a carriage at the expense of the 
godfather. He and the godmother pass in first; 
then comes the infant borne by its nurse or a ma- 
tron ; then the father, who accompanies the other 
invited persons. 

It is the custom in many houses to give, after re- 
turning from the baptism, an elegant entertainment, 
of which the godfather and godmother receive all 
the honor. Above all, they should give their god- 
child new year's gifts while it is a child, and mani- 
fest their affection during the whole of its life. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 205 



CHAPTER II. 

Of Duties toward the Unfortunate. 

Propriety, the guide of all our relations, cannot 
remain a stranger to the unfortunate ; that which 
takes possession of all our sentiments, cannot forget 
to pity. It is in this light that it is peculiarly touch- 
ing, that it is almost religious, since it even contri- 
butes to bind closer this first, this powerful tie of 
humanity. 

SECTION I. 

Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and Unfortunate. 

When any one of your acquaintance is ill, you 
should regularly send a domestic, to inquire after 
their health, every day, or every other day, accord- 
ing to the virulence and nature of the disease. If 
there is immediate danger, we should send to in- 
quire even twice a day. From time to time, you 
should send to know whether the sick person can see 
any one, because in that case you must go and testi- 
fy in person, all your interest. You should continue 
18 



206 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

to obtain information about their health until their 
recovery or death. 

Our visits to the sick should be very short, silent, 
and reserved. We should address to them words 
of interest in a low voice, and speak softly to 
the member of the family who takes charge of them. 
We ask him who is his physician, what is the treat- 
ment ; we urge every motive of consolation and 
hope ; we ought hardly to reply to the questions 
the person in attendance asks, with regard to our 
own health, or business, and we retire reiterating 
the proofs of our interest. If the person is conval- 
escent or only indisposed, you address a thousand 
questions concerning their complaints ; you sympa- 
thize with them, praise their patience, and describe 
to them the pleasant image of returning health. 
You must be on your guard not to say that you find 
their features much changed, that their recovery 
may be slow, &c. 

To speak these truths is very mal-apropos, and 
with reason ; you would pass for having an un- 
feeling heart, or, rather, a limited understanding. 

When sufferings and troubles assume a virulent 
aspect, and resist all the efforts of medical skill, they 
are infirmities indeed, and a silence the most abso- 
lute and rigorous with respect to them, should be 
observed. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 207 

Not only ought you never to speak to an infirm 
person of his misfortune, but you should also care- 
fully avoid mentioning any person who is afflicted 
in the same way, and of thus alluding indirectly to 
his own case. 

The only occasion when this is allowed, is where 
you can make it appear to him that the comforts of 
which he is deprived are not so permanent but that 
you have experienced similar inconveniences from 
the same cause. Thus to a lame person, you might 
say that you yourself are fatigued with walking, that 
your own legs are not firm, &c. If the infirmity is 
not too visible, and the poor subject speaks to you 
of it, assure him earnestly that you should not have 
observed it. If he complains to you, offer him mo- 
tives of consolation, and take care that you change 
the subject of conversation before he does, for you 
might make him think that you are importuning 
him about his malady. Finally, do all in your 
power to comfort him. If he is afflicted with im- 
perfect sight, place objects near him, but without 
affectation, and without having the air of making 
him think that he requires your assistance, neither 
permit him to thank you. If he is troubled with 
deafness, you must not speak unreasonably loud ; 
bring back the attention of the unfortunate person 
to the subject of your conversation by skilful and 



208 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

delicate transitions, and not abruptly say to him, 
We were speaking of such a thing. This is much 
trouble, perhaps you will say. Trouble to console 
people ! Why, you take more to please them ! 

Persons who are reduced in circumstances, keep 
up in their misfortune (at least in society) their 
habits of opulence ; and to manage with such per- 
sons requires not a little skill. 

If they invite you to their frugal repasts, if they 
offer you any presents, let not the fear of occasion- 
ing them expense, induce you to refuse with 
warmth, and with obstinacy ,' you would wound 
them deeply. Accept them, and seek an opportuni- 
ty of repaying with interest, these proofs of their 
politeness. Do not speak to them first of their sad 
situation ; but if they introduce the subject them- 
selves, receive their confidence with a respectful 
and affectionate attention. Show how much you 
are affected with that which grieves them, and with- 
out forgetting discretion, endeavor, in appearance 
at least, to render them confidence for confidence. 

SECTION II. 

Of Funerals and Mourning. 

When we lose any one of our family, we should 
give intelligence of it to all persons who have had 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 209 

relations of business or friendship with the deceased. 
This letter of announcement usually contains an in- 
vitation to assist at the service and burial. 

On receiving this invitation, we should go to the 
house of the deceased, and follow the body as far as 
the church. We are excused from accompanying it 
to the burying-ground, unless it be a relation, a 
friend, or a superior. If we go as far as the bury- 
ing-ground, we must give the first carriages to the 
relations or most intimate friends of the deceased. 
We should walk with the head uncovered, silently, 
and with a sad and thoughtful mien. Relations 
ought not, from considerations of propriety, to give 
themselves up too much to their grief. You will 
owe a visit to persons who have invited you, if you 
have not been able to accept their invitation. If 
you have attended the ceremony, then they are the 
ones that owe the visit. 

At an interment or funeral service, the members 
of the family are entitled to the first places; they 
are nearest to the cofrin, whether in the procession, 
or in the church. The nearest relations go in a full 
mourning dress. It is not customary at Paris for 
women to follow the procession ; and, nowhere do 
they go quite to the grave, unless they are of a low 
class. A widower or a widow, a father or mother, 
are not present at the interment, or funeral service of 

18* 



210 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

those whom they have lost. The first are presumed 
not to be able to support the afflicting ceremony ; 
the second ought not to show this mark of defer- 
ence. 

There are two kinds of mourning, the full and 
the half mourning. The full mourning is worn for 
a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, hus- 
band, wife, brother and sister. It is divided into 
three periods.* For the first six weeks, we wear only 
woollen garments ; in the six weeks following, we 
wear silk, and the three last months, we mingle 
white with the black. 

Half mourning is worn for uncles, aunts, cousins, 
and second cousins. The first fortnight we wear 
black silk, and the last week, white mixed with black. 

Custom requires that a woman should wear 
mourning for her husband a year and six weeks, 
while that of a widower is only six months. This 
difference, which may appear singular, is founded 
upon reasons of convenience and social relations. 

In the three first months of mourning for her 
husband, a woman wears only woollen garments ; 
the six first weeks, her head dress and neck-kerchief 
are black crape or gauze ; in the six following 

* Several of the particulars which follow, are not ob- 
served in this country. — T. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 211 

weeks, they are white crape or linen. The next six 
months, she dresses in black silk ; in winter, gros 
de Naples ; in summer, taffetas. Head dress, white 
crape. The three last months, she wears black and 
white, and the six last weeks, white only. 

The mourning on the death of a wife, is a black 
cloth coat without buttons," dark shoes, woollen hose, 
black buckles, and a sword-knot of crape, if the 
person carries one. At the end of six weeks, we 
may wear a black coat with buttons, black silk hose, 
silver buckles, and a black ribband upon the sword. 
The half mourning of the three last months is a black 
coat, a sword and silver buckles, white silk stock- 
ings, and a sword-knot of black and white. 

It is altogether contrary to propriety to select for 
yourself at the shops the articles of mourning, to 
have them made in your presence, or to make them 
yourself) and, for a fortnight at least, and sometimes 
even for the six first weeks, ladies ought not to sew, 
even while receiving their relations and intimate 
friends, so much are they supposed to be depressed 
by their affliction. 

During forty days we do not leave the house, ex- 
cept to go to church ; it would be very improper to 



* It is not the custom among us to dispense with but- 
tons.— I 7 . 



212 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

visit, dine out, or go to any assembly during the 
first mourning. When this time has expired, we 
make visits of mourning, and go out a little more, 
but we cannot vet appear in public promenades, at 
spectacles or balls ; we cannot sing, even at home. 
It is only at the time of half mourning that we re- 
sume by degrees our former habits of life. 

For ten days at least, after the death of a very 
near relation, it would be very reprehensible for 
people whose profession recalls ideas of pleasure, as 
musicians, or dancing masters, to return to their 
employment. 

In full mourning, we should wear neither curls 
nor perfumes. To be present at a funeral, or even 
to look at one passing, are forbidden at this time. 
Attending a funeral service, other than that of a 
relation, is equally prohibited. Excepting during 
this period, it is impolite not to attend when invited 
to the funeral service of your acquaintances. You 
should appear there in mourning. At the funeral 
service, as well as at the interment, the male rela- 
tives go first, and then those invited ; the female 
relatives go next, and are followed by other ladies. 

If we marry a person who is in mourning, we put 
on black the day after our marriage ; the time pre- 
ceding is reckoned as if the mourning had been 
worn. On the contrary, if we ourselves are married 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 213 

again at a time when the death of a relation by our 
former marriage requires this sombre dress, we leave 
it off immediately, since our new union annuls the 
former alliance. 

Visits which are paid to persons in mourning, are 
called visits of condolence. Tn making them, we 
observe silence, and never inquire about their health; 
this would be out of place. A gentleman offers 
them his hand, a lady embraces them, even though 
they are but slightly acquainted. We refrain from 
conversing on too gay or personal subjects. 

If we are at a distance, we testify by letter our 
sympathy in the misfortune which afflicts them. 
Their grief cannot excuse them from answering us, 
but it is not immediately necessary. 

With this subject, we shall conclude our treatise 
of politeness; hoping that, having arrived at this 
point, our readers may say, i Without any doubt the 
work is full and methodical ; ' we shall not dare 
to flatter ourselves with more, but this is enough, 
for it is being sure that our labor has been use- 
ful. 

We trust then that we have rendered an essen- 
tial service to youth, in making them acquainted 
with these rules, which have become so necessary ; 
in truth, politeness, on which at the present day we 
pride ourselves, is a virtue which we ought never 



214 BOOK OF POLITENESS. 

to renounce, since it gives to the intercourse of life, 
that sweetness, pleasure, elegance and charm which 
can be truly felt only by those who possess it. As 
the intellectual Madam Lambert has said, ' Po- 
liteness is the desire of pleasing those with whom 
we are obliged to live, and in a manner causing 
all around us to be satisfied with us ; superiors, with 
our respect ; equals, with our esteem ; and infe- 
riors, with our kindness.' 




-> 




\\ 



\ V . V . „ . . » » I °j, * > s > ** 

< % v ' 




Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 
Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
Treatment Date: Dec. 2004 

PreservationTechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN PAPER PRESERVATION 

1 1 1 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Township, PA 16066 
(724)779-2111 






^ 



V ^ 






•x^ V ^ 



■** ^ 







^ ^ 












LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



D00E731t,47S 



8ii 



lilili 



